


Cherry

by halleson37



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Sex, Blood, Bottom Mickey Milkovich, College, Creepy, Drug Use, First Love, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Music, Oral Sex, Original Character(s), Self-Harm, Stalking, Top Ian Gallagher, what are frogs, what are tags
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-04
Updated: 2017-06-13
Packaged: 2018-10-27 20:23:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 44,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10816059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halleson37/pseuds/halleson37
Summary: College!AU. Once Mickey laid his eyes on the handsome, muscular, redhead he quickly nicknamed Cherry, he could not get him out of his sight or mind. He was too shy his first year in college to actually talk to the guy, so instead he decided to stick to a strict regiment of following him around campus. Something that could probably be considered stalking if the person didn't know how in love Mickey was with Cherry.Warning, this story contains the following:-Underlying mental illness/mental illness-Blood-Self harm-Underage drinking-Drug use/mention





	1. Love At First Sight

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to @ MickeysTonic for fixing my oopsies.

Mickey sighed, giving a quick glance to the muscular redhead he had nicknamed Cherry, as he walked through the green to his next class. Cherry was sitting in his normal spot under a maple tree, his face in a textbook. 

Looking in from the outside it would probably look like Mickey was stalking the guy, and maybe he was...But that was just because he loved him so much.

As soon as Mickey saw him one fall night at a party he could not tear his mind or his gaze away. From then on he went to any party he thought the handsome redhead might be at, and purposefully took the long way through the green every Wednesday and Friday because he know Cherry would be under the same fucking tree looking as amazing as ever.

This is not to mention that they shared the same dorm hall. However Cherry was one floor below him, so he only saw him on the stairs when heading in or out, Mickey purposely waiting an extra beat before taking the next flight to his floor due to the small possibility that he could see the freckled bastard.

Today was like every Friday he walked past Cherry on the green, he slowed his steps slightly, watching the pale boy closely as he walked past, desperately wanting to go an talk to him, but too much of a pussy to actually get himself over there, biting his lip and frustrated as he walked past, Cherry out of sight.

As soon as he got to class he pulled out the small notebook he had been jotting things about Cherry on, carefully hovering his body close to the page so no one could see.  

\--- _ September 15th, Friday: Cherry wearing the same grey t I have seen, and green bomber jacket. He was not listening to music today, I wonder why….Hope to see him tonight at  _ _ Kappa Sig, also I like that he is letting his hair grow out.--- _

Through class Mickey let his mind wander as it did almost all the time to his Cherry. He pictured their life together, maybe a small house in the country, or a condo in the city, whatever the redhead would want. He thought about all the wonderful times together they will have, and how their perfect life together would play out.

As he continued to lay out their life together like he had done a million times the bell rang before he even knew it, class dismissing quickly. He sighed the shrill noise bringing him out of his personal fantasy world, and back to lonely reality where Cherry didn't even know he existed.

He had a 30 minute break, and then another class, after that he headed back to his dorm room to get dressed for the frat party.

“Hey” his roommate Ale said as he swung his backpack onto his twin bed.

“Hey, going out” he mumbled digging through his small dresser to pick out clean clothes.

“Like every Friday” Ale said rolling his eyes, “I know.”

Mickey mumbled a snarky remark, pulling off his current sweater to put on an army green button up. It's not that him and Ale didn't get along, it's more like they had nothing in common, and just happened to share the same living quarters.

He did some homework before it was late enough to head to the party. Ale telling him not to drink too much, and Mickey waving a hand at him as he left. He always drank too much, especially if Cherry didn't show up.

The beat was loud and people were dancing, drinking, and doing other various things around the frat house. Mickey took a shot, grabbed a beer and then took to a corner overlooking the main dance floor, if Cherry showed up he knew he would immediately take to dancing.

About 2 shots and 3 beers later Cherry finally showed up, Mickey instantly smiling and being brought back to life when he saw him. After getting a drink Cherry kissed one of the girls he entered with on the cheek, and then went to the far end of the dance floor. Mickey was instantly mesmerized by his moving body like he had never seen it before. A new song coming on just as the redhead started to get into it.

Mickey watched enthralled as Cherry danced, his hips moving side to side and his hands over his head, the redhead adjusting each time a new beat hit the speakers.

After a little while and a couple more drinks for both Cherry and himself, the freckled boy took back on the dance floor, this time with some blond dude who was grinding all over him. Cherry often danced with various boys at parties, and often left with them as well, though Mickey never saw him with the same guy. But each boy he watched Cherry interact with made Mickey want to punch them, expressly blond asshole who was now sucking at his mans neck.

Mickey knew of course that Cherry was not his, not really, no matter how much it felt like he was in his head.

After another song, and more kissing between the boys on the dance floor Mickey watched them move upstairs, knowing what was going on. He took that as his time to leave, he didn't want to see Cherry come back from sex, he had seen it before and it only made him feel sick. Cherry’s hair would be messy, his skin glistening, and a flush still on his face, Mickey only wanted to see that if It was after sex with him, not some blond douchebag.

He dragged his drunken feet back to his dorm room, a cigarette between his teeth and a lonely frown on his face. He quickly jotted down his feelings about Cherry that night in his notebook, knowing they would probably be hard to read the next day due to his drunkenness.

 

\--- _ Fri night at  _ _ Kappa whaeve...drunk, kissen with idiot, blue sirt, hot, daning.--- _

He closed his notebook, and decided to go for a shower. He always slept better after a hot one, so with a heavy heart he went to the stalls, turning on the water and closing his eyes.

He pictured the way Cherry had danced tonight. His hands up in the air, causing his tight shirt to rise up to show his perfect stomach and abs. He thought of the way he had moved his hands all over the blond asshole and put himself in that place, practically feeling Cherry’s strong hands on his hips. He didn't even realize he was touching himself until a low moan left his lips at the thought of Cherry’s beautiful full lips around his dick.

To stifle any further notices he put his fist in his mouth, jerking himself hard and fast to the thought of Cherry blowing him. He pictured his hands in that perfect red hair, little hums escaping the perfect pink lips around his cock, his bright green eyes looking up at him. He pictured Cherry whispering his name as he came on the brick bathroom wall, biting down so hard on his knuckles that he tasted the metal of blood.

After he cleaned off, sucking at where his teeth had broken through the skin of his finger he dried off, falling into bed just as lonely as when he had left so many hours ago.

He always thought seeing Cherry would make him feel less lonely, and It did as he watched him, but as soon as they were apart and Mickey realized they were not in the fantasy relationship he had made up in his head, It sent him into a spiral of lonely sadness, beating himself up for being so crazy and stupid.

 


	2. Hidden

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to @ MickeysTonic for fixing my oopsies.

It was Wednesday and Mickey was making his way across the green, his face lighting up as he saw Cherry, like he didn't know he was going to be there. He did what he always did as he passed, and made his way to the next class. 

He did not see Cherry Friday at his spot on the green, Mickey figured it was due to the rain, so he hoped more than ever he would seem him tonight at the lastest party.

“I know you are going out” Ale said as he entered their dorm, doing his normal Friday routine.

“Fucking mind reader” Mickey said annoyed, sitting on the edge of his bed.

“What do you even do at those things? Don't you get tired of doing the same thing? I mean I get going every so often, but every Friday night?”

Mickey just shrugged, knowing fully why he went every Friday, but he was not about to share his bad habit with Ale. The closest he had come to letting out his secret obsession was with his sister Mandy. They talked fairly frequently on the phone, and Mickey trusted her, though he had not told her the whole truth exactly…

It was more that she thought he was kinda seeing this hot redhead, not that they had never even spoken to each other. Mickey was just not ready to share this new development with anyone, not only because he knew Mandy would be mad, but would want to send him to some mental institute; he had been there and done that, and he had no intentions of ever going back.

The first time Mandy and the rest of his family didn't understand. It was all just a big misunderstanding about his first serious relationship. They were all just upset that he was gay, that was all! But now, he knew that what him and Cherry had was going to go somewhere, once he was able to get himself to actually talk to the guy, they were meant to be together.

So as he headed out to the party he willed himself to try and make a move, tonight would be the night he told himself.

Tonight was not the night, Cherry had never even show up at all, leaving Mickey even more hurt than normal. It felt like Cherry had skipped out on their date, on their Friday night routine. It was not only upsetting to Mickey, but made him angry. Angry at himself and angry at Cherry.

He sat on the front steps of his dorms, not wanting to go back to an empty bed. His whole body was shaking and hot tears rolled down his cheeks.

It had been a while since Cherry had skipped out on a Friday night and it hit Mickey hard. 

“Fucking stupid, you are stupid and crazy, he does not love you, he does not even know you exist” Mickey said to himself under his breath, thudding his head against his bent up knees.

“Fuck you” he told himself, banging his head against his knees yet again, increasing the hardness with every “crazy, stupid” until his head was pounding and his chest was heaving.

“You okay?” the small voice of a girl came as he banged his head into his knees again.

“What?” he said through tears, looking up to see a small brunette standing above him.

“You okay?” she said again, sitting done next to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulder.

This was the first time Mickey had been touched since he left for school. It was also the first time he had interacted with anyone outside of class and Ale.

“Do I look fucking okay?” he said, meaning it to come out nasty, because honestly he didn't know how else to say it. Clearly he was not okay, he was a stupid idiot who fucked everything up.

“No. ” she said, the word sounding bigger than she was.

“I am Claire” she continued, resting her head on his shoulder.

He knew he should shake her off, he didn't even know her. Besides what was wrong with him was none of her business. But someone was caring, for once in the months he had been here someone was paying attention to him even though they didn't have to...and to be touched...to have someone's arm wrapped around him felt good.

“Mickey” he practically whispered, his voice shaky.

“Nice to meet you Mickey, bad nights sucks.”

“Yeah, fucking tell me about it” he kinda laughed, shaking his head, it still pounding like crazy.

“You having a bad night too?” He asked.

“Mine has been alright tonight, but I have had plenty in the past” she said, voice calm and even unlike his own.

“Huh” he mumbled, unsure of what to say next.

“I assume you live here?” She asked, tilting her head back towards the dorms behind them.

“4th floor” he said, his breath finally starting to calm some.

“I’m on the third.”

The third Mickey thought, the same as Cherry.

“Fuck” he said at the thought of Cherry coming back into his mind, he could never seem to get rid of him no matter how hard he tried.

“Hate the third floor that much?” She laughed, the happy noise somehow soothing.

“Just someone on it,” he said, quickly adding “well I don’t hate him.”

“Aww boy problems” she said, nodding.

“I guess” he said, willing himself not to picture Cherry’s face.

“He cute?” she asked, a small smile leaving her lips.

“Really fucking hot” he said, shaking his head, so much for not picturing the redhead.

“I will have to keep a look out” she giggled, standing up.

Mickey immediately felt a loss as she stood, reaching up without knowing it to grab her wrist.

“Wow!” she said, pulling her hand away.

“I’m sorry, i’m sorry” he said, ashamed that he had fucked up yet again.  

“I was just gonna say we should go inside, i’m cold” Claire said, giving him a little smile.

“Yeah, thanks” He said standing, “I’m really sorry, just been…” he paused taking a deep breath “lonely lately.”

“I get it, no hurt feelings.”

As they headed up the stairs, and reached the third floor Mickey looked confused at the door, not knowing if he should follow her or what.

“Got a phone?” she asked, standing by the door.

“Yes” he said fishing it out and handing it to Claire.

She quickly typed some things than handed it back to him.

"Text, call, whatever, we should hangout.”

He looked down to see a new contact added to his phone,  _ “Claire :-)” _

“Thanks, thanks for not being a douchebag” he said sheepishly, somewhat embarrassed by how much of a pussy he was being, had been since he got to this fucking school.

“Get some sleep Mickey” she said, wrapping him in a tight huge before pushing open the door and disappearing.

Mickey slept better that night than he would have without the Claire interference, happy that he might have someone around here to talk to. 


	3. Dark Side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to @ MickeysTonic for fixing my oopsies. 
> 
> Song featured in the chapter is "Dark Side" by Phoebe Ryan.

The next few days after meeting Claire went better as well, though he still saw Cherry Wednesday and Friday on the green, his heart fluttering like it always did. 

And as he got back to his dorm Friday before the party he got the crazy Idea to invite Claire, his thinking that actually going to a party with someone other than Cherry would make him feel better.

_ “YES! Sounds fun! :-p” _ her text read back. Making him smile at something that was not the redhead for the first time in forever.

They met at the same place they first had, Claire looping her arm under his as they walked in the direction of the party.

“So you go to these things often?” She asked, her sparkly skirt glistening under the streetlamp.

“Uh yeah, free booze.” he said, that only being a partial truth.

“Always a good thing.” she laughed, the house booming just up the street.

They grabbed drinks and Mickey didn't quite know what to do, he normally just stood in a corner but that kind seemed weird with someone else, so he just stood by the drinks waiting for Claire to make a move.

“Wanna dance?” she asked “I love this song!”

“Uhh..” Mikey started but she was already pulling him into the middle of the room where everyone was gyrating.

_ I'm in love with your dark side! So don't turn on the light And stay with me tonight! _

As the chorus of the song played Claire grabbed both of Mickey’s hands as she swayed back and forth. And before Mickey knew it he was dancing to, putting one of his hands into his dark hair, closing his eyes and biting his bottom lip as the catchy song continued to play, and he continued to move back and forth, Claire dancing just in front of him.

_ You're bad, this is good as it gets I don't want nobody perfect, no. And I want to go deeper, down with you. So pull me beneath the surface. Even if it hurts, I want your heart. Even at your worst, I love you hard If you wanna keep me, go too far. _

Mickey opened his eyes just after a moment, his body still swaying to see Cherry just behind Claire. His Cherry..A Cherry who was eyeing him, actually looking right at him. Those fucking beautiful green eyes staring right into his blue ones.

Mickey froze, stilling all his movements to just stare into the green eyes of the dancing redhead.

Claire quickly noticed, turning her head around to look at Cherry before hastily turning back to Mickey.

“Keep dancing, he is looking at you, and you look super hot.” she whispered into his ear.

Mickey blinked, unsure that this was even happening, that Cherry was even paying attention to him, that he was real and Claire was real and he was having a good time dancing. 

Claire noticed his lack of movements, grabbing his hand and practically making him start moving again, turning them slightly to the side so the redhead could get a better look.

Mickey snapped back into reality as Claire spun him, his head feeling woozy but willing himself to start dancing again since clearly that was getting Cherry’s attention like it never had before.  

_ 'Cause I'm in love with your dark side I'm in love with your dark side I'm in love with your dark side So don't turn on the light And stay with me tonight. _

“Fuck fuck fuck ” Mickey said in his head, eyes glancing over to look at the redhead who was still eyeing him. Then suddenly as the base dropped Cherry was getting closer, and closer, and closer...so close that “Oh my fucking god!” Mickey thought as the redhead placed a hand on his shoulder, whispering something to Claire that he could not hear over the music that made her nod and disappeared into the sea of people.

Then it was just them...Just Cherry looking down at him. He was taller and more muscular up close. Mickey could even smell mint on him, all of it overwhelming and intoxicating in the most ceral way.

“I’m Ian.” Cherry whisper down to him, his mouth brushing against Mickey’s ear sending shivers to his toes.

“Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian!” Mickey kept repeating in his head, knowing he should say something back, but he was just so amazed that he had a name for his Cherry, a real fucking name to go along with the beautiful boy he had built a life around in his head.

“What's yours?” Ian prompted at his lack of an answer, his large perfect arms wrapping around Mickey’s shoulders as they continued to sway to the music.

_ I don't want another version Don't be a better person Don't want nobody perfect So pull me beneath the surface. _

He slowed, the words hard to get out.

“Mick-uh-ey” he managed, feeling stupid that he could not even say his own name.

“Well Mickey, you have some nice moves” Ian laughed, pulling the dark haired boy closer, their chest brushing up against each other.

_ 'Cause I'm in love with your dark side I'm in love with your dark side _

Mickey could not breath, or speak, all he could do was sway as Cherry, Ian, did. Ian was so goddamn warm, and he smelled and felt so good, he was everything that was ever perfect in the world, and Mickey never wanted it go away.

_ Don't turn on the light And stay with me tonight _

As the song ended and the next one turned on Mickey suddenly felt himself being spun around, at first confused and then understanding as Ian pressed his torso to Mickey’s back, his pelvis pressing against Mickey’s butt, sending warmth straight to his dick.  

Ian proceeded to grind against his ass, one of his hands tangling with Mickey’s fingers and the other pressing into his hip.

Mickey felt like nothing and everything at the same time, he felt like he was on another fucking plain of existence, and if he blinked it would all be gone. But as he closed his eyes than opened them again he was still there, Cherry still pressed against him.

“Fuck.” Mickey thought, amazed, thrilled, and shocked.

“What?” Ian said, leaning down slightly to whisper into his ear.

Well at least Mickey thought he had thought it.

“Fuck.” Mickey repeated, turning his head so Ian could hear him.

Ian smiled, the most amazing and bright smile Mickey had ever seen, turning him around once again.

“You wanna?” Ian said, a sly smile brimming his lips as he pressed a hand to the back of Mickey’s neck and leaned down to kiss him.

Okay now Mickey could not breath, he was kissing Cherry. Cherry, Ian’s lips were pressed to his, his hands in his hair, his...oh god, tongue in his mouth.

Ian tasted like fucking bubblegum and beer, and it was the best taste in the world. His tongue was licking the whole of Mickey’s mouth, their tongues sucking desperately at each other as the kiss only deepened.

Mickey had not kissed many people, in fact he had only ever fucked, or been fucked by one other person, and only kissed maybe one person before that. But all of it had never been like this, never even fucking come close.

He was fully stiff now as Ian bit at his lips, and tangled their tongues, Mickey just desperately trying to keep up.

As Ian broke apart their kiss, Mickey to desperate for it never to stop to make the move. He was part relieved that he could catch his breath, and part scared it would not happen again.

“Wanna get the fuck outa here?” Ian asked, leaning down again to press his lips just under Mickey’s jaw.

All Mickey could managed was a nod.

 


	4. Going Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a short one. The next chapter is going to be long, and a lot happens, so watch out! <3

Ian took Mickey's hand, leading him through the sea of partiers out the back door of the house, the cool air hitting his face. 

Mickey wanted to say something say anything. How amazing this was, how thankful he was, how much he loved the boy holding his hand. But he was also just too shocked and shy, blankly looking up at Cherry as they got away from the noise of the house. 

“I have seen you around ya know?” Ian said, his warm breath heating Mickey's cheeks as he spoke. “But never seen ya dance before, pretty hot.” 

“Thanks” Mickey said, looking down just as a blush creeped over his face, hoping Ian had not really noticed how much he had been around. 

“Your place or mine?” Ian asked, placing a hand at the back of his neck once again to lean down and kiss him. The sudden movement causing a small moan to leave Mickey's lips. 

Ian mumbled a moan back into Mickey's mouth, the action causing the dark haired boy to press closer to him. Mickey just wanted to get as much of Cherry as he could. 

“Greedy” Ian said pulling away only to press his lips under Mickey’s jaw, sucking and nipping at the tender skin. 

“Aww” is all Mickey said, pushing his pelvis into Ian’s thigh, greedy indeed.

“I can't fucking believe this is happening” Mickey breathed out, his eyes closed as Cherry continued to suck at his neck, one of his hands tangled into Mickey's dark hair as the other griped his waist. 

Ian hummed, pulling back to lock their eyes. 

“What you mean?” 

Mickey paused, unsure how to answer that without outing himself. So to by some time he leaned up to press his lips to Ian’s again, the redhead falling into the sloppy kiss immediately. 

“Just don’t, uh, get round much I guess” Mickey said, after a moment of kissing. That being a truthful statement. 

“Well you are hot enough to get whoever you want, so I will make it good for you” Ian said with a naughty smile, the statement making Mickey not only blush again, but feel incredibly good about himself. 

He had never thought of himself as bad looking necessarily, more normal. And he certainly didn't think people payed enough attention to him to actually think he was hot. Not to add that Cherry was the one saying these things. Saying them for real, not just in his mind. 

“Seems fucking good already” Mickey said with a smile, taking Ian’s hand to lead them in the direction of their dorm hall. 

“So your place then?” Ian said as Mickey moved them. 

“My roommate might be in...but we live in the same hall” Mickey said, not thinking about the fact that Ian probably didn't know that little fact. 

“You been watching me Mick?” Ian laughed, sliding a hand into Mickey’s back jean pocket.

Mickey swallowed hard realizing his mistake, but Ian seemed to only be kidding thankfully so he just laughed to, reminding himself to be more careful with what he said.

“Can’t miss that hair” Mickey said, leaning back into Ian’s touch on his ass, Ian’s hand was warm, strong, and only turning him on more. 

Ian ran a hand through his wild red hair, smiling in silence as they reached the dorms. 

“So my room then? My roommate is at the party” Ian suggested, flashing him a perfectly beautiful smile. 

Mickey nodded, nervous and excited.


	5. One Bad Night

Ian led him to his dorm, room 48..As he unlocked the door and walked into the small room Mickey took it all in, trying to guess which of the two twin beds was his mans. 

Ian shut the door and locked it behind him, before going over to a small docking station that sat on the desk to put on some music, the beat filling the small room at just the right level. 

Mickey quickly decided the bed to the left was Ian’s, as it featured a family portrait with the redhead off to the right. 

“I have lots of fucking family” Cherry laughed, leaning over Mickey’s shoulder as he examined the photo. 

“Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to be snooping” he said turning around, though it was not quite a true statement. 

“It’s all good” Ian said, pushing him lightly onto the bed, the motion knocking the air out of him slightly. 

Mickey gasped as Ian climbed over him, attacking his already puffy lips, Ian’s hands moving under his button up. 

Mickey was beyond overwhelmed, and barely keeping up with Cherry’s kisses, getting even more worked up as each second passed. He also did not know what to do with his hands, decidedly resting them lightly on Ian’s back as their tongues danced. 

Mickey panted as they broke apart for a breather, his mind racing, to nervous to get any words out or even move, he was just looking up at the beautiful Ian, feeling lost. 

He felt stupid and embarrassed, he had been building this moment up for so long, thinking about what Cherry felt like, and now that it was here he was worried about not only disappointing but just fucking up in general. To add to his nerves he didn't have very much sexual experience, and he didn't want this to end up just one of Ian’s many one nighters. 

As the redhead started to suck on his neck again, his fingers slowly undoing each of Mickey’s buttons the dark haired boy felt himself start to panic, his heart rate and breathing skyrocketing and his head swimming with non-stop worries and insults to himself. As the feelings continued to quickly spiral he felt his whole body beginning to shake, shutting his eyes and willing himself to not start crying or something that would make Ian hate him even more than he probably already did. 

No matter how many times he told himself to stop freaking out it was to late, he was going into panic mode and nothing could stop it.

He brought his hands to his face, causing Ian to move in the process. Mickey immediately standing up, but not knowing where to go, so he just stood there in the middle of the room with his head in his hands, the whole room spinning and crushing around him. 

“Fuck , stupid, stupid, fuck!” he mouthed into his palms, he chest heaving so hard that he could not breath, his head getting lighter and lighter with each breath of air he could not inhale. He just wanted to die, he wanted Cherry to go away because he knew as soon as he moved his hands and looked Ian would be staring at him, a confused and probably mad look on his face. 

Cherry didn't want some crazy inexperienced fag like him, he wanted someone who was smart, hot, knew how to please, not him, what was he thinking? what was he doing? he had just fucked it all up and Ian would never ever want to see him again. 

He was going to fall, he knew that. As the white and black spots got bigger he felt his legs giving out, but before he could he felt strong arms wrap around him from the side, holding him up. He gasped, a ragged horrible sound coming out of his throat as he drop his hands from his face, all his weight falling into Ian’s arms. 

He continued to make terrible ragged exhales and inhales as Ian set him on the bed, to ashamed and panicked to say anything or look at the redhead. He immediately curled into himself, putting his head to his knees, only to sob and slam his head into his knees, trying to get himself to disappear with every whack. 

“Stop that, hey” Ian said, putting a hand on his forehead so he could not hit himself again. 

“Hey, hey” Ian said again, the words soft as he wrapped his arms around Mickey. 

“Fuck, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, fuck, please, I’m sorry” he repeated, through tears, rocking back and forth in Ian’s arms. 

Ian rested his head lightly against Mickey’s, his mouth just at Mickey’s ear as he whispered “shhhhh, It’s okay, you are fine, shhhh.” 

Mickey sucked in a ragged breath at Ian’s words, willing himself to just feel the redheads arms around him, his lips brushed against his ear. He focused on that, focused on the fact that he was alive, that the warm body next to him was real, that he was okay, no matter how much it didn't feel like that. 

“Shhh, there ya go, it’s okay” Ian whispered again as Mickey's breathing calmed slightly. 

“You never have to see me again” Mickey managed, the words barely audible. 

“What if I want to?” Ian said, a hand slowly circling Mickey’s back. 

“Why? I am a freak, a fucked up crazy freak who can't even...can’t” he could not think of what to say, as it seemed like he couldn't do anything right. 

“I have been called crazy you know? I know what it’s like to feel crazy too” Ian said, not leaving his closeness to Mickey. 

“What?” Mickey said, turning his head to look at Ian for the first time since his panic attack started. 

Mickey had always thought Cherry was perfect, he never figured he could be like him in any respect. 

“I’m bipolar, even spent time in the crazy hospital” Ian said. He never shared things like this, but here with Mickey it felt right, he knew what the brunet boy was feeling, he has had plenty of panic attacks, and even more manic episodes. 

“Really?” Mickey said, his tear stained eyes looking into Ian’s green ones. 

“Mhmm, I am probably plenty crazy for the two of us” Ian said, a small chuckle leaving his lips. 

“You seem…” Mickey said, trailing off. 

“Go ahead, I have heard it all” Ian said, pressing a small kiss to the corner of Mickey’s mouth. 

“Just okay, put together.” 

“Meds have been working well, and I go to therapy, not to say I still don’t have episodes” Ian admitted, running a gentle finger over Mickey’s face to wipe away the tears. 

“But like, I can’t even sleep with someone without, without this.” He brought his arms into the air to emphasize his point, letting them fall heavy in front of himself. 

“Just get overwhelmed being touched? I know touch can be hard for some people” Ian asked. 

“No,” Mickey said shaking his head, “I like being touched. It’s more I just worry about fucking up, not being good enough.” 

Mickey could not believe he was sharing all this. He had never talked about it before, not even when he was admitted. But Ian was easy to talk to, and right now Ian being next to him was holding him together. 

“I’m sure you are awesome in bed” Ian chuckled, running a hand through his hair. 

“Not just that, in general.” 

Ian hummed his understanding, leaning forward slightly to press his forehead to Mickey’s. 

“Well why don’t we try and get some rest huh? Maybe go out for coffee in the morning?” Ian suggested, knowing a good night's rest would make Mickey feel better, it always helped him at least a little bit. 

Mickey nodded, amazed that even after everything Ian had just said that he was not going to avoid him at every cost after tonight, at least he was acting like he wouldn't, but people tended to lie a lot. 

“You gonna be okay If I go brush my teeth? Get us some water?” Ian said, reluctant to leave Mickey’s side if he was not ready. 

“Yeah, yeah, I can go back to my room” Mickey said looking at the floor, preparing himself for what seemed like the longest loneliest walk to his dorm. 

“You can stay if you want, but if you would rather go back to your room I will walk you over” Ian said with a small smile, standing up. 

“I can stay?” Mickey asked, yet again surprised by Cherry’s words. 

“Of course” Ian winked. “we can go to your room and grab your stuff if you want” he continued. 

“Sure, just pajamas, should probably brush my teeth too” Mickey said, a small smile moving over his lips for the first time. 

Ian smiled back at him, stretching out a hand for Mickey to take. He did, standing, his legs still shaky. 

“Got your key?” Ian asked opening the door. 

“Yes” Mickey replied following Ian to the stairs. 

“Up one” Mickey said, as Ian stood in the doorway to the stairwell, truing to go up at his words. 

Ian let Mickey go in front of him, leading him to the end of the hall before Mickey pulled out his key and unlocked the door. 

The room was dark and his roommate was sleeping, so Mickey quickly gathered his bathroom stuff and a pair of pajamas, Ian waiting in the doorway for him. 

They headed to the bathroom first, both brushing their teeth in silence before heading back to Ian’s room. 

“I normally just sleep in boxers, but if you want me to keep on more I can” Ian said, shedding his shirt to show an amazing sculpted chest and torso. 

“That's fine” Mickey said, actually very pleased by that now that he was feeling better. Sleeping next to a practically naked Cherry was a dream come true. 

Mickey turned away from Ian slightly as he striped off his shirt, first putting on a loose white cotton T-shirt before turning back to Ian. He was normally reluctant to show his thighs, they held proof of everything that was wrong with him in his head, showed off just what a fuck up he was. But with Ian it seemed different, if they had, had sex Ian would have seen anyways, and right now, with the amount of caring the redhead was showing him he felt like he had to let Ian see him. 

So with a deep breath, he dropped his jeans, standing there for a second to let Ian look at him before slipping on a pair of plaid pajama pants.

Ian let his eyes wander over Mickey as he changed. The boy was fit and toned, his pale skin beautiful. Ian picturing his tongue tracing over every inch once Mickey was ready. 

And as Mickey turned to face him, and took off his jeans Ian let his eyes wonder over the lower half of the boy. Mickey had various long red scars tracing both thighs, mostly the outside, but some all over. He took a small breath, never having done something like that to himself, but understanding why Mickey might have. He was happy that none of them looked too fresh, maybe one or two small ones where scabbed over, but most completely healed now. 

He gave mickey as small smile, letting the boy put on his pajama pants before taking one of Mickey’s hands in his own to lead him to the bed, both boys laying down under the blankets, Ian skimming a hand through Mickey’s hair once again. 

“Thank you” Mickey whispered, Ian reaching over to flick of the lamp. 

Ian hummed, pressing a kiss to Mickey's temple, “I like you” he said, the words true. 

Everyone he has met at college was the same gay douche bag who only wanted to fuck, and Ian knew that. He knew that at the slight mention of his mental illness all the guys he had been with would have ran, but Mickey, Mickey knew what it was like, even if he was not as healed as Ian yet. 

“I like you too” Mickey smiled into the dark. The night had certainly not gone as planned, but it seemed to be working out and Mickey could not be more pleased at his new found, real, relationship with Cherry.


	6. Sleepyhead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is mostly smut.

Ian work up before the dark haired boy in his bed, the sun shining through the slats in the curtains. The whole night they had been tangled together. 

As Ian stretched out his arms he was careful not to wake the sensitive boy next to him, looking over to see his roommate sitting up on his laptop in the bed across from him. 

“They are sleeping over now?” Ian’s roommate asked, looking down at Mickey. 

Ian shrugged, whispering back, “do you mind, uh giving us some privacy?” 

He had a hard-on and planned on taking care of that as soon as the Mickey woke up. 

Ian’s roommate rolled his eyes, shutting his laptop and standing up. 

“You owe me one Gallagher, next time I bring a girl back you are sleeping in the hall.” 

“Fine, get the fuck outa here” Ian teased with a smile. Him and his roommate got along pretty well despite the small bickering. 

Once Ian’s roommate had vacated, Mickey still sleeping soundly despite the conversation Ian took the time to look at the dark haired boy in his bed. Mickey was handsome, with full lips and silky hair. His chest was well defined and his shoulders broad, body wise he was everything Ian could ask for, and once Mickey felt perfectly comfortable around him Ian figured personality wise Mickey was a match. 

He ran a hand through Mickey’s hair, wanting to gently wake up the boy. He repeated this a few more times until Mickey started to stir, his bright blue eyes opening to look up at Ian. 

“Morning sleepyhead” Ian said, placing a hand atop Mickey’s chest. 

Mickey blinked, feeling like he was still in a dream. Last night had been wild, and now, now he was actually in Cherry’s bed, the beautiful redhead looking down at him. 

“Am I dreaming?” he asked, still unsure that everything that had happened was real, that this was real. 

“No, wide awake” Ian said with a small smile, “want me to prove it to ya?” 

Mickey nodded, figuring what that meant. And indeed he was correct as Ian leaned down, not only kissing him but biting onto his bottom lip, the better equivalent of being pinched. 

“Think you are dreaming now?” Ian said, a bright look on his face that seemed to be contagious. 

“Nope” Mickey smiled, placing a hand at the back of Cherry’s head to bring their lips together again, his hand tangling in the fiery hair he loved so much. 

This time Ian took care to kiss slower than last night, knowing now that Mickey worried about keeping up. Taking care to let him set the pace as their tongues slipped into each others mouths, little moans escaping both their lips as they sucked at each other. 

“I wanna touch you, can I touch you?” Ian asked, nipping at Mickey’s lip again. 

“Yes please” Mickey said, a small moan leaving him.   
He felt calm for once, last night he had showed Ian everything, and now there was only pleasure ahead of him. 

Ian hummed, kissing him again as a hand slipped down Mickey’s body to rub him through his pajama pants. The dark haired boy gasping into his mouth. 

Mickey quickly responded to Ian’s touch, desperately reaching down to pull off his pants and boxers, the redhead dialing in by sitting up and pulling Mickey’s pants and boxers down in one swift motion, his cock slapping hard against his stomach. 

“Sorry we could not do this last night” Mickey moaned into Ian’s mouth as Cherry pressed their lips together again, his hand slowly stroking Mickey up and down. 

The dark haired boy was not as endowed as he was, but he had plenty to work with and his cock was a perfect mixture of pink and red. 

“This is even better” Ian said, ducking his head down to lick at Mickey’s collar bone. 

“Still, aww, I’m sorry I’m a bitch” Mickey moaned, his head falling back as Ian licked at one of his nipples, his hand still stroking Mickey’s hard-on. 

“Don’t say that, we all got issues” Ian said, working on the other pink peek now. 

“It’s, oh god, it’s not cool” Mickey stuttered, his hand tangled into Ian’s hair as the boy continued to kiss down his body; his lips now sucking just above his hipbone. 

Ian bit down, causing Mickey to squirm under him before gently licking at the same spot. 

“No Mick” Ian said looking up at him, “every guy I have met here is boring and only wants to bang, I feel like we have a connection, ya know?” He smiled, going back to now sucking and kissing just above Mickey’s dick, the shorter boy bucking his hips slightly in anticipation. 

Mickey moaned, not only because Ian’s mouth was now ghosting over his cock, but because of his kind words. No matter how much Mickey put himself down this was all his dreams coming true. He knew since the first day he saw Cherry that the redhead would change his life for the better and now it was happening. 

“Yeah, yeah, I get it.. Oh Ian” Mickey whimpered as the redhead took him completely into his mouth, the hot wetness fucking amazing. 

“Fuck” Mickey breathed out as Ian started to slowly bob his head, the redheads lips wrapping excellently around him. 

As Mickey looked down Cherry was looking up at him, his green eyes hooded as he ran his tongue from base to tip before swirling it around the pink head. 

“Fuck you look gorgeous” Mickey moaned, his hand gripping into Ian’s hair as he hollowed his cheeks and moved his head down before moving it back up with wet popping noises, all the while staring right up at Mickey. 

“You taste so good Mick, keep moaning for me” Ian breathed, his lips pink and puffy. 

Mickey did, letting out a desperate whimper as Ian swallowed him up and down, his fingers gingerly playing with his balls or tracing over the inside of his thighs. 

If Mickey thought he was in love with Ian before he was wrong, because now he was for real in love. He had pictured this moment hundreds of time. What Ian would look like, feel like. And it was better than anything he could have even imagine. 

His moaning was getting louder and louder which only caused Ian to work him more, the warm hot feeling building up in his gut as his hips jerked and his legs shook. 

“Gonna, gonna cum Cherry” he gasped as Ian hollowed his cheeks one more time sending Mickey over the edge, shooting his loud down the redheads throat. Ian all the while keeping him down until he was completely done. 

“Cherry?” Ian asked slightly out of breath as he pulled his mouth off of Mickey with a wet sound. He slid up Mickey’s body to hover over him. 

Mickey blinked realizing what he had said, his body completely loose from his orgasm. 

“Red hair” Mickey said, a wide smile on his face as he cached his breath, his eyes closed.

He didn't even care that he had said Ian’s nickname out loud because it was cute and he liked. And it’s not like Ian knew he has called him that before knowing his actual name. 

“Normally just get carrot top” Ian chuckled, kissing Mickey's lips, the dark haired boy lazily opening his mouth to Ian’s. 

“Do you mind?” Mickey said opening his eyes to look up at Ian, he could feel Ian’s erection digging into his thigh through the boys boxers, but he was still to blissed out to move. 

“No, as long as you do somthin about this” Ian smiled, rocking his hips to rub his cock against the inside of Mickey’s thigh. 

Mickey laughed, reaching up and flipping them over so he was now on top if Ian.   
“I have not done it much” Mickey admitted, embarrassed that he would not be able to match Ian’s blowjob skills. 

“I just want to feel you, but if you don’t want to you can just give me a hand job” Ian suggested not wanting to trigger Mickey in anyway. 

“You can’t laugh or anything if I fuck it up” Mickey said, for the first time starting to feel nervous since he woke up this morning. 

“I think I will only be moaning” Ian smiled, leaning up to kiss Mickey as he could see the reluctance of possible failure on his face. 

“But really Mick, I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable or anything” Ian said once they broke apart. 

“I will give it a shot, just no promises” Mickey said, willing himself to at least try, Ian didn't seem like he would make fun of or be mad at his lack of skills. 

“Just want that mouth on me” Ian hummed as Mickey slowly move down his body, pulling down his boxers just enough to free his cock. 

“No way I can fit that whole fucking thing in my mouth” Mickey practically gasped taking in how big Ian was. 

Ian chuckled, holding the base of his cock. 

“Don’t need to, whatever you do will be great” Ian said, trying to prompt Mickey to actually start blowing him. 

“Yeah, yeah” Mickey said, finally placing his lips to the tip if Ian’s perfect pink dick. 

Ian was sweet and salty, and hot on his tongue, all of it intoxicating. 

“Taste good” Mickey mumbled licking a stripe up Ian’s long cock. 

“Mmhmm” Ian let out, Mickey’s mouth perfect no matter what the dark haired boy thought. 

Mickey continued to lick and kiss up and down Ian, pumping his hand where his mouth could not reach as he sucked at the head. 

“Fuck doin so good Mickey, you feel so good” Ian moaned, the words true. 

Mickey mumbled around Ian’s cock his appreciation of the praise, continuing the same actions, little whimpers escaping Ian’s lips at his work, with each one his confidence building. 

“Don’t know what you were worried about, you have the best mouth” Ian moaned as Mickey become more confident with his sucks and licks, Ian placing a hand in his messy dark hair. 

Mickey continued to work Ian, the boy under him beginning to shake more by the second.

Mickey braced himself for Ian to finish, continuing to work him with his hand and mouth as the redheads gasping become more prominent. 

“Gonna, oh fuck, gonna cum. You...” Ian gasped, his orgasm hitting him before he could get the words out, his hips bucking up uncontrollably into Mickey’s mouth, the dark haired boy gagging as the sperm hit the back of his throat. 

Mickey pulled off pretty quickly due to the fact that he was gagging. He was able to swallow half of Ian’s cum successfully, but the other half he had gagged back up, it dribbling out his mouth onto Ian’s stomach. 

“Fuck, I’m sorry” Mickey said wiping his mouth in the back of his hand, a long sticky string connecting the motion. 

“Don’t worry about it” Ian breath catching his breath as he fished a couple tissues from a box sitting on the desk behind his head. 

Ian wiped up what was on his stomach, handing a tissue to Mickey to wipe off his face. 

“Not bad until the end there” Mickey reflected laying back down next to Ian. 

“Nothing was bad about it, felt fucking good” Ian said with a smile, kissing the corner of Mickey’s mouth. 

“Yeah you too” Mickey smiled, feeling very satisfied and relaxed. 

“I am really fucking hungry” Mickey said as his stomach growled.

“Cum is a pretty nutritious breakfast” Ian laughed sitting up and swinging his legs over the side of the bed. 

“Shut the fuck up” Mickey laughed putting back on his bottom garments. 

“Okay, real food it is” Ian rolled his eyes. 

Each boy took a shower, Mickey returning to his room to get a fresh pair of clothes before meeting Ian out front, both boys deciding on a small diner just off campus for breakfast.


	7. First Date

The boys sat across from each other tucked away in a booth at a local diner. 

Mickey ordered blueberry pancakes with a side of bacon, and Ian got an omelet with feta and spinach, Mickey wrinkling his nose at the lack of meat. 

“Not a vegetarian are you?” Mickey asked, taking a sip of his OJ. 

“Haha no” Ian laughed, reaching across the table to take Mickey’s hand in his.

A soothing sigh left Mickey’s lips at Cherry’s warm touch, their fingers tangling. 

“So tell me about yourself, where ya from?” Ian prompted, his thumb tracing over the back of Mickey’s hand. 

“New Jersey, have 3 brothers and a sister” Mickey said. 

“I got 3 brothers and 2 sisters” Ian responded. 

“And I thought my family was big” Mickey laughed. 

“Yeah it was pretty crazy growing up” Ian said.

“Your parents around?” Mickey asked. 

“Dad kinda I guess, never knew my mom. Lived with my adopted parents since I was fairly young though.” Ian admitted, lucky to have them or he never would have been able to attend college. 

“Family get split up by that?” Mickey asked with a concerned smile. 

“Kinda, they adopted me and my older brother and sister, the younger ones went to a different family, but everyone stayed in the city so I saw them often.”

“What city?”

“Chicago, I miss it sometimes” Ian remembered. 

“I would not say I miss New Jersey” Mickey said, “more just miss my sister.”

“You guys close?” 

“We were, and then it kinda dwindled a little” Mickey said, thinking about his short time in the psychiatric hospital his sister had thrown him in, he never really forgave her for that. 

Ian nodded, their food arriving in full force. 

“Thank god!” Mickey exclaimed delighted by the food. 

“That hungry, huh?” Ian smiled, liking Mickey more and more. The dark haired boy was funny and cute, and most importantly had character. 

“Mhmm!” Mickey mumbled through a mouthful of pancake. 

“You're cute” Ian smiled, “how about your parents?”

“Mom is dead, dad is an asshole.” 

“Oh, I’m sorry” Ian said with understanding, digging into his own breakfast. 

“It’s okay, at least he is paying for me to go to school” Mickey said. His dad was fairly influential in their community and made a decent wage, but if anyone knew just what he was like behind closed doors the guy would be in prison.

“What's your major?” Ian asked, finishing off his coffee. 

“Business, it’s okay.”

“I’m in nursing.” 

“Wanna be cleanin bed pans, Ian?” Mickey asked with a small chuckle. 

“Hope to be a nurse practitioner, so no. No bed pans if I can help it.” 

“Wow, good for you” Mickey said, proud of Ian already. He had always pictured what they would be doing together, never thinking Ian wanted to be a nurse, but now that he knew it seemed good. 

The boys ate in silence for a bit, each smiling at each other over their food. 

“Can I ask you something personal?” Ian said, not wanting to trigger Mickey. 

“Not guaranteed I will answer, but okay” Mickey said, a little nervous by Ian’s words. 

“Do you have a diagnosis?” 

“What?” Mickey raised his eyebrows confused. 

“Like I was diagnosed bipolar, do you have an official diagnosis?” Ian asked, tilting his head, awaiting Mickey’s answer. 

Ian knew it was really hard and scary when he got his, but at the same time it was relieving to know an official cause of his mania. And once he was diagnosed he began to get the treatment he desperately needed, though he was not so accepting at first. 

“I” Mickey started, biting the inside of his cheek uncomfortably. He had been told what was “wrong” with him, but he never felt sick, he wasn't sick, it was all a misunderstanding of him getting upset sometimes and his sexuality, he was sensitive is all and tended to over react. 

“Kinda, never really seemed right...Was a misunderstanding” Mickey said, that the closest he could come to an explanation without telling his life story.

Ian nodded, wanting to press but deciding against it. 

The boys ate the rest of their food without heavy conversation, each talking about their hometowns and what brought them to University of Vermont. (I didn't know what school they should go to, but it's my state school.) Both of them mostly wanting to get away from home and the city. 

The boys exchanged phone numbers, and stood out front of the diner. Mickey was reluctant to leaving Cherry even though he had his number and knew he would seem him again, they already talked about hanging out next Friday. 

“Text me whenever you want” Ian said with a smile, moving over closer to Mickey. 

“I will, probably too much” Mickey chuckled back, his hand resting lightly on Ian’s shoulder. 

Ian then pressed his hand to Mickey’s cheek, tilting his head and leaning down slightly to kiss the dark haired boy. 

Their lips pressed together in a sweet kiss, Mickey melting at the touch already. 

“See ya around Mick, I am really happy we met” Ian said braking away. 

“Yeah me to” Mickey said with a smile, wanting to just keep kissing Cherry. 

“Talk to you later” Ian smiled, waving goodbye to Mickey as they went their separate ways. 

Mickey’s heart was fluttering. Not only had he slept in Ian’s bed, had the best blowjob of his life, but he had just had the best first date you could ask for. He was just head over heels for his beautiful Cherry.


	8. Taking Notes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kinda a mix of things, i'm sorry. I just thought It was better to do that way than have a couple super short ones. Hope its alright anyways.

“Omg tell me all about it?” Claire squealed sitting on the opposite end of Mickey’s bed. Their textbooks and papers spread out between them. 

Mickey rolled his eyes, his face blushing slightly.

“We just hung out, crashed late and woke up early, had breakfast.” Mickey explained referring to just last Friday and Saturday. It was now Tuesday.

“You guys didn't fuck? come on” Claire said throwing her arms up in the air. The more Mickey got to know Claire the more he liked her bubbly personality, it was something he needed in his life.

“Oral” Mickey said, not really wanting to share his new found personal sex life.

“Hot” Claire giggled again, looking up to picture it. “It sucks you are fucking gay, you are sexy. And Ian, he is a goddess. Would love to have a three way with you two.”

Mickey let out a guttural laugh, spilling the papers that where rest on his lap.

“A girl can dream” Claire said smiling wide.

“We are gonna hang out again this Friday” Mickey said, adding, “I’m sorry I bailed on you Friday, wasn't cool.”

“It’s all good” Claire said, swatting at him playfully. “I disappeared voluntarily, flirted with some dude for a while but he ended up being a dick and I threw my drink in his face.”

“Wow, now that is more interesting than what Ian and I did.”

“No way” Claire said, telling her story anyways.

*

That night Mickey carefully detailed the past few days with Cherry. Explaining everything from their dance, to his breakdown and the next day's breakfast. He also journaled about what he wanted for their upcoming date and life together.

\-- _ I hope Cherry and I have sex and I don’t freak out, I think now that I know him it will be more calming than anything. Also his fucking eyes looking up at me for that BJ was amazing, that needs to happen again.-- _

He talked about how Ian’s life as a nurse and his life as some business dude would fit together, working out possible calendar schedules so they would have plenty of time together despite working long shifts.

He talked about everything he noticed in Ian’s room, from his messy dark navy sheets that smelled like him, to the family photo. He detailed Ian’s plaid boxer briefs, and even how Ian looked when he brushed his teeth, not wanting to forget anything, not one second.  

All together his journal was the longest yet since he got to school, taking up a total of six pages. He wondered how long the next one would be after spending even more time with Cherry.

*

Wednesday Mickey debated if he should walk through the green in between his classes, it seemed wrong not to as it had been a long held habit and tradition, but at the same time Cherry would definitely notice him, and might ask why he was there. 

He thought about it as he packed his stuff up, deciding on doing it anyways, it would be nice to see Ian, he had been missing him since the second they were not together.

Mickey spotted Ian instantly in his spot, headphone in and his head in a textbook. Instead of silently walking by like he had the past few months he took a breath and headed straight in Cherry’s direction.

It took a second for the redhead to look up, but when he did, just to see Mickey hovering over him a wide smile spread across his perfect lips. Mickey happy that yes, he had made the right decision to go through the green.

“Hey” Ian said pulling out his headphones and closing his book.

“Don't want to interrupt your peaceful studying, but I had to come say hello.”

“Happy you did, nice to see you” Ian replied patting the spot next to him on the grass for Mickey to sit.

Mickey knew he would be late to his next class if he sat next to Ian, but that was way worth it, so he sat down.

Ian immediately placed his hand on Mickey's thigh once the boy was seated cross legged next to him.

Mickey could not help the fucking ridiculously stupid smile that came across his lips as Ian set a warm strong hand on his thigh, immediately putting his own hand atop Cherry’s.

“Missed you” Mickey admitted, somewhat embarrassed.

“Missed you to, was actually gonna text you.” Ian said pulling out his phone.

“Better make it good” Mickey joked.

“Got high standards?” Ian cracked, bumping him on the shoulder.

“With you? Nah you could like” Mickey thought “punch me in the face and I would still want to bang you.”

“Only want me for my dick” Ian said, mock bewildered.

“Shut up” Mickey said with a smile.

Their laughing slowed after a moment, both boys just looking at each other.

“Want to hang out tonight?” Ian asked

Mickey was taken aback slightly, but happy about Ian’s proposal.

“I get out of my last class at 5:45” Mickey said.

“Can i meet you at your dorm at 6:00? Will bring food.”

“Fuck yeah” Mickey said a huge smile on his face.

“Sounds good, I have to get to class” Ian said starting to pack up his things.

The boys stood up together, both with their backpacks on their shoulders.

Ian quickly leaned forward to press a kiss to Mickey’s lips, before running  down the green shouting “see ya later!”

Mickey only laughed, his heart happy. 


	9. Better Than Love

“Think you could uh, hang out somewhere else for a bit?” Mickey asked Ale, uncomfortable that he had to ask but he wanted to be alone with Cherry. 

“Why?” Ale asked not looking at him,“someone coming over? Give me like 30min.”

“Yeah” Mickey replied.

“No banging your girlfriend or whatever in my bed.”

“I'm-” Mickey started when he heard a knock on the door. 

He opened it to see a smiling Cherry with a bag of takeout food. 

“Hey.” Mickey said with a smile, the sight of seeing Ian making him warm all over. 

“Uh, Ian, Ale” he said taking his seat back on the bed as Ian came into the small dorm. 

The two shook hands then Ian plopped down next to Mickey, sitting so close that the outside of their thighs pressed together. 

“I got burgers, hope that's okay” Ian said, unpacking the food. 

“Awesome!” Mickey smiled 

“You are fucking cute.” Ian smiled, the happy face Mickey was giving him the best fucking thing. Just from the short time he had know the dark haired boy Ian knew he didn't want to fuck around with anyone else, Mickey was gonna be a real relationship. 

Mickey blushed, popping a fry into his mouth. 

Ian laughed, pressing a kiss to Mickey's lips.

Mickey hummed, kissing back.

“You're fucking gay?” Ale said causing the boys to break apart. 

“Not gonna try and suck your dick in your sleep or nothin.” Mickey spat. 

“That mouth is just for me.” Ian giggled, sweeping his thumb across Mickey's bottom lip. 

“Whatever, I don't give a shit, just don't get jizz everywhere.” Ale said packing up his stuff and leaving. 

“Sorry about that, we don't know each other very well.” Mickey said. 

“No problem.” Ian replied kissing Mickey on the cheek before taking a bite of his food. 

Mickey could not get his mind of the fact that Ian had said his mouth was only for him, did that mean Ian wanted to be together? Like not see anyone else together? Like fucking be boyfriends? 

“You being serious?” Mickey said a minute later. 

“What?” Ian said through a mouth of food. 

“You only wanna do, uh, stuff with me?” Mickey said biting at his lip uncomfortably. 

“If you are into it yeah, I know there is a lot of gay dudes on this campus.” Ian said back, really wanting Mickey to be with him. It had been a long time since he had a real relationship and he was ready to jump back in. 

“I want to, yes.” Mickey said shaking his head yes with excitement, his heart pounding. Cherry was his, right now Ian was saying he wanted to be just with him and it was incredible. 

“Yeah?” Ian said smiling wide “can you handle all of this Mick?” Ian smiled as he ran a hand down his torso. 

Mickey quickly moved the food off of his and Ian’s lap, choosing to set it on the floor since there was no better spot. 

“I was still eating that.” Ian laughed, happily annoyed. 

Mickey took no time in straddling Ian’s lap, their lips pressed together forcefully. Mickey needed Cherry to be inside him like right now. All his hopes and dreams were coming true like a fairy tale and he needed all of Cherry. He needed to love and possess every inch of him. 

Ian’s hands went immediately to Mickey’s ass, sliding him forward more onto his lap. Their tongues shoving into each others mouths with each little grind.

Mickey let out a small moan as Ian pressed his hand down the back of Mickey’s jeans, his hot fingers cupping around his ass cheek. 

“I like to top.” Ian said between feverish kisses, the redhead leaning down to suck at Mickey’s neck. 

“Fuck, really” Mickey said, enthralled with joy. 

“I generally don’t flip” Ian said, concerned that they had come to an impasse. 

“No, no!” Mickey said cupping Ian’s face “I love being fucked, I’m glad you wanna top.” 

Ian smiled, happiness moving straight to his dick. 

Ian flipped them over so he was hovering over Mickey, their lips connecting again as he tangled a hand in Mickey’s dark hair. 

“Shit, I’m sorry, do you need me to go slower?” Ian asked, remembering what happened last time when things got heated like this. He didn't want to overwhelm Mickey. 

Mickey took a breath, thinking about it. He was happy Ian asked, but he was feeling great.

“I'm good, thanks for asking” Mickey said with a soft smile. 

“Okay, let me know if you wanna slow down, k?” 

Mickey nodded, and pressed his lips just under Ian's jaw line, biting gently. 

Ian hummed and moved his hands down to unbutton Mickey’s pants. Mickey allowed it and lifted up so Ian could slide off his jeans, tossing them to the floor. 

Ian then tore off his own shirt, adding it to the growing pile. 

Ian took some time to run his hand up Mickey’s thigh, he could not help but notice all the red angry scars that tattooed the pale flesh. 

“I don’t do it much any more” Mickey mumbled noticing Ian’s reaction to his scars, “They are an ugly bitch.” 

“It’s alright.” Ian said kissing him than lifting up Mickey’s shirt, the brunette helping throw it aside. 

“Stupid of me” Mickey said in between kisses, unable to get the thought of his self-harm out of his mind. Since he had gotten to college he stopped doing it, being away from his abusive father really helped on that account. Though he often felt like hurting himself even when he was not super upset. Old habits he told himself; and tried to distract himself, so far the tactic had worked. And with Ian around he was happier than ever before, so self-harm was a thing of the past. 

“We all do stupid shit” Ian breathed between more sloppy kisses, his hand reaching down to rub Mickey over his boxers. 

“You ever do that?” Mickey asked as they broke away, Cherry’s green eyes looking down into his blue ones. 

“Done a lot of self destructive stuff” Ian admitted “never that though.” 

Mickey nodded, and reached down to rub Ian as well, having difficulty undoing his fly because of the angle.

“Here” Ian said, standing up and striping off his pants and boxers, his large perfect dick springing to life. 

Mickey pulled off his boxers as well, both boys now completely naked. 

“You look really good” Mickey said, looking Ian up and down. 

Ian smiled, “not bad yourself.” 

Ian's compliments always made Mickey smile, they seemed to give him life. 

Ian moved back to the bed, kissing down Mickey’s body until his mouth was hovering over the dark haired boys cock. 

Mickey watched as Ian licked the pre-cum away that had started to drip from his slit, than took him down in one open mouthed gulp, a loud moan escaping from Mickey’s lips. 

Ian bobbed his head a couple times before moving off of Mickey with a wet pop. He than lowered himself a bit more, and kissed at the inside of Mickey’s thighs. His teeth nipping lightly at one of the puffier scars. 

Mickey felt kinda uncomfortable with the attention his self hatred was getting, but at the same time it was very sweet of Ian, so he continued to let it happen. Ian would run his teeth over a scar before kissing it gently, repeating that all the way up and down both his thighs. Maybe he was counting them Mickey thought as Ian did not seem to miss a single one. The action causing Mickey to be overly aware of just how many he had. He was about to stop Ian when the redhead moved his mouth back to Mickey’s dick, licking him a couple times. 

“Flip over” Ian said, his voice soft, but it was not a question. 

Mickey did, a gasp escaping him as he felt Ian’s tongue on his cheek, and his hands spreading him apart. 

Then he felt Ian’s tongue licking over his hole, an array of moans coming out of his mouth at the motion. He had never been eaten out before, and this was fucking amazing. 

“Holy shit!” Mickey gasped as Ian pressed his tongue into him, his hands gripping at the sheets. 

He felt a vibration as Ian hummed, the redheads tongue darting and swirling in and out of him.

Mickey began to rock his hips needy into the bed as Ian opened him up more. He needed friction on his dick, all of the sensations to great to hold back. 

“You taste so good.” Ian said after another minute, moving up Mickey's body, planting kisses between his shoulder blades. 

“Never done that before” Mickey admitted, his mind filled with only lust. 

“A shame. I’m gonna treat you so good Mick. If no one has done that for you then they don’t deserve you.” 

Mickey bit his lip, both good and bad emotions bubbling up at Ian’s words. He loved that Ian would do that, and that Ian was gonna be good to him, better than anyone else. But it also made him think about his last relationship, one that ended with him in a psychiatric hospital. He always thought James was good to him, at least before the dickhead ended it. But looking back he didn't even come close to Ian. 

“You okay?” Ian asked at Mickey silence, also noticing his body stiffen under him. 

“Just thinking about my last relationship, the dude should have done that, you are right” Mickey said, shaking his head to try and get the thoughts out. 

“Well you have me now, and I’m gonna make you feel so good.” Ian said against his skin, pressing his lips to what of Mickey’s cheek he could get at in this position. 

“Already are” Mickey replied, turning his head so he could kiss Ian. 

Ian huffed his appreciation, leaning off of Mickey to unzip his backpack, grabbing a bottle of lube and a condom. 

“You come prepared” Mickey chuckled as Ian place a couple drops of lube onto three of his fingers. 

“Just for you” Ian smiled, knowing how to please. He than slid a finger down Mickey’s ass, easily pushing it in from the stretching he had managed with his tongue. 

“Fuck” Mickey hissed as Ian added another finger and slowly scissored him. 

“You good?” Ian asked, slowing his motions a bit. 

“Yeah, yeah, feels really good.” Mickey said into his pillow. 

It did feel fucking amazing, everything about Cherry felt amazing. Mickey could never see himself getting tired of it. 

“You ready?” Ian asked after adding another finger for a moment, continuing to slowly finger the boy under him until he got an answer. 

Mickey moaned, nodding his head, “yes, fuck me please.” 

“Aww shit” Ian moaned, Mickey’s words turning him on even more, he loved a needy bottom. 

Ian took no time in rolling the condom down himself and lining up, one hand pressed into Mickey’s hip to stable himself. 

Mickey let out a loud “fuck” and a moan as Ian pressed into him, his girth spreading him apart with force. It hurt somewhat, even with Ian’s prep, but he was expecting that. it had been a long time since he had sex, but Ian felt fucking incredible despite the slight discomfort. 

“You can move” he said as Ian was just sitting inside him. 

Ian laughed, Mickey seemed to always make him laugh, it was a big turn on. 

Ian bit down on his lip, slowly starting to rock his hips back and forth, watching as he moved in and out of the dark haired boy under him. 

“Shit, you are so hot” Ian breathed, picking up the pace a little as Mickey moaned more and more with each thrust. He was so fucking tight, and warm, the sensation around Ian’s cock one of the best fucks he had experienced in forever. But that was probably also do to the fact that he was into Mickey, that they had agreed to just be with each other, and the idea of a new found relationship that also had great sex was the best thing Ian had done in probably his whole life. 

Ian leaned forward so his chest was flank to Mickey’s back, reaching forward to tangled their fingers together and kiss at the back of Mickey’s neck as he continued to rock his hips at a steady pace. 

Ian then wrapped a hand around Mickey’s chest, forcing the boy under him to bend upward some, his head turning back to lock their lips in a heated open mouthed moan. 

“Cherry” Mickey moaned, his mouth falling into a perfect O as Ian angled his hips to hit the brunettes g-spot. 

“Likin that nickname more and more” Ian moaned out, thrusting in deep quick motions.

Mickey was falling apart under his Cherry. The redhead was now hitting his prostate with every impeccable thrust, and the even though he would love to get a hand on his dick the friction of it rubbing against the bed was enough to send him into a shaking moaning mess. He wished in that moment that he had talked to Ian sooner, because this was damn amazing and he never wanted it to stop. 

“Need-” Mickey gasped, making fist into the sheets. 

“What Mick?” Ian asked, “need what?” Ian slowed his thrust somewhat. 

“Need to cum” Mickey said trying to get a hand on his cock, but Ian was pressing him into the bed. 

“Yeah, yeah” Ian rasped, tilting himself up onto his knees so Mickey could get onto his hands and knees, never leaving from inside the boy. 

“Mmmh, thanks” Mickey moaned as Ian started ramming into him again, his hand going between his legs to stroke himself at a furious pace, his orgasm right around the corner. 

“Cum for me Mick” Ian uttered, his hands gripping into Mickey’s hips as he fucked into the boy under him. Mickey was clenching around him as he became more and more worked up, the feeling almost pushing Ian over the edge, but he will himself not to finish until the dark haired boy did. Ian was determined to make this the best fuck Mickey had ever had. 

“Awww, Cherry!” Mickey practically roared as his orgasm hit him, sending hot streaks of cum all over his hand and bed, his whole body shaking at an alarming rate as he stuttered out moans. 

Ian followed in suit, his thrusts erratic as he pushed into the mess of a boy under him just a couple more times, his cock twitching desperately as he finished, his breath ragged and chest heaving. 

“Jesus” Ian smiled, pulling out of Mickey to flop down on the bed next to him. 

Mickey rolled onto his side so he could look at the out of breath redhead next to him. Mickey had seen what Ian looked like after sex, but this was better than all those times at parties. This was with him, in his bed, and Ian looked like the sexiest blissed out thing in the world. His skin was glistening with sweat and his cheeks were flushed. His hair a mess and sticking to his forehead in places. His pupils were wide, and the smile he was giving Mickey made him feel like this was better than love.


	10. Days Gone By (Catching up)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short in between chapter to move things along for the next steps in their relationship.

Things had been great for the past 2 months. Ian and Mickey saw each other practically every day. And the days they did not hang out together Mickey found himself gossiping and giggling with Claire, her boy stories always bringing a smile to his face. 

When he spent time with Ian they fucked like the first time, or went on adorable dates to the movies and downtown. On their first month anniversary they went to a nice restaurant having a fancy meal, and on normal days they had even more worse meals curled up together on one of their twin sized beds. 

Mickey learned all about Ian’s family, and the horrific process of being split up family and children services. Ian told the tale of how at first he hated his adoptive parents but then learned to love them and be thankful for them. 

Mickey learned of Ian’s first kiss, and how in that moment he knew for sure he was gay. He learned about Ian’s diagnosis and how he felt so alone and scared in the hospital after one of his first manic episodes. The boys relating deeply to the feeling of being lost and like your mind was betraying you. 

Ian tried to push, tried to ask Mickey more about his mental illness, but the dark haired boy was always reluctant, starting to cry or shake whenever Ian pushed too far, always causing him to drop the issue. The farthest he had gotten was that Mickey did in fact spend some time in a psychiatric hospital after attempting suicide by overdose. But as Ian asked more about It and Mickey refused to tell what lead up to the decision Mickey would always get upset, and start yelling or panicking. It made Ian both sad, and angry. He had taken Mickey into his life, spilled his guts for the boy, but was not quite getting the same honesty back. But he tried to ignore it, Mickey would talk about it one day. 

Ian learned that Mickey’s dad was both physically and emotionally abusive to Mickey, it only worsening after he came out as gay. Mickey did note that his cutting started after that, and even though Ian wanted to ask more Mickey had started to cry and they just ended up holding each other until Mickey fell asleep. 

Mickey told him about how he was very close to his sister, and how she got the sexual side of their families abuse. And also how after Mickey attempted suicide, and Mandy made him be admitted that their relationship dwindled, even though they do still talk over the phone. 

Ian related a lot of Mickey’s mental instability to his abuse, even though Mickey didn't quite seem to always equate the two, more blaming himself it seemed for his sensitive nature. 

But even with everything the two boys had been through so far, they were here for each other now, and their lives had seemed to only get better after meeting one another.


	11. Only Wanna Dance With You

“Hey” Mickey explained plopping down in the chair next to Ian at the coffee shop that had become one of their meeting place since snow had overtaken Ian’s spot on the green. 

“Hi" Ian replied, immediately cupping the back of Mickey’s neck to pull his boyfriend into a kiss. 

Mickey hummed, pressing his lips harder into Ian’s, he could never get enough of the redhead. 

“Greedy today” Ian chuckled, pecking him once more before returning to his book. 

“Can’t get enough of my Cherry” Mickey smiled, his hand running through Ian’s red hair automatically. Both boys had become accustomed to the nickname, Ian finding it unique compared to all the other ones his hair had gained him over the years. 

“Can I come over tonight?” Mickey asked in a sing-song tone, Ian always made him giddy. 

“Was thinking we could go to a party, been a while, have not really gone since the night we met” Ian said, reluctant to push Mickey to do anything since he tended to be sensitive, but the thought of Mickey grinding against him was to big a turn on to ignore. 

It had seemed like so long ago now Mickey thought. Almost 4 months since that heavy night together, the night that changed his life so dramatically for the better. 

“Yeah, yeah” Mickey agreed, the idea of Ian under those colorful lights both sexy and overwhelming. Mickey worried that the scene would make him recall the times Cherry danced with other boys, and thus had always brought up other things for them to do instead. But the idea of dancing close to his boyfriend, being possessive of him on the dance floor also seemed hot. 

“Yeah?” Ian asked, his whole face lighting up; and damn was that not enough for Mickey to promise him the world. 

“Yes, will be fun! Have some drinks, dance dirty” Mickey smiled, his dick hardening just from thinking about it. 

“Gonna be a bad boy, Mick?” Ian laughed, leaning over to kiss him on the corner of the mouth. 

“Fuck off” Mickey said, pushing Ian on the shoulder. 

“Fuck you” Ian smiled, pushing him back. 

“I dare you.”

“Not like I haven't before.” 

This whole thing was turning Mickey on even more, their flirting was always great, but he wanted Ian in his pants now. 

“Wanna go back to my room and deliver on that?” Mickey said, giving his best sexy smirk, though it probably looked more ridiculous than anything. 

“Can’t, gotta study. Than class soon, and you have class too bitch” Ian said, trying to focuses back on his book, but Mickey was making that more than challenging. His hand roaming over Ian’s thigh, and his blue eyes batting at him.

“We should skip, you are giving me blue balls” Mickey said, with a pout. 

“Will fix that after class” Ian replayed, beginning to pack up his stuff, he could not afford to miss a class this late in the semester, he had already missed more than he could account for because of Mickey’s sex drive, which he loved so he really should not be complaining. He was part of the problem after all. 

“But meh” Mickey whined, standing up to walk with Ian out of the coffee shop. 

“Your class is not in this direction” Ian said knowing as Mickey followed him to the wrong building.

“Fine, fine” Mickey said, wrapping Ian in his arms for a tight hug. 

Ian hummed, pressing his lips to Mickey’s before parting. 

“See ya later Mick” Ian said, “gonna get all dressed up and dance like the devil with you at that party.”

“Damn right, see ya.” 

They kissed one more time, Mickey’s hand lingering on Ian’s shoulder before they broke apart and went to their respective classes, both boys late as per normal on a Friday. 

*

Ian looked hotter than ever. He was wearing a black v-neck waffle sweater, and silver/grey pants that hugged his hips and ass like a bitch. 

Mickey could not believe how lucky he was that he ended up with Cherry. 

“You look sexy as hell” Mickey said, placing a kiss on his boyfriend's lips. 

“You too, ready to go?” Ian asked, both boys looking out onto the snow covered sidewalk. 

Mickey nodded and they both headed to the party, bracing in the cold winter night air. 

Mickey tangled his fingers with Ian’s, not wanting to loose him in the sea of college students. 

The music was loud and happy, and the whole house seemed to shake with people's dancing and fun energy. Mickey didn't realize he liked this scene until now, he had only gone because his redhead might be around. But with Cherry grinning ear to ear next to him he was in love. 

The boys found the drink station, Ian picking up what looked like a jello shot and knocking it back into his mouth, than handing Mickey one. 

Mickey plopped what tasted like cherry jello and vodka into his mouth, swallowing it down after a second. 

“Yum” Ian said doing another one before filling a solo cup with beer to hand to his boyfriend. 

Mickey had learned that Cherry liked anything sweet, candy being a big weakness of his.

Mickey took the beer, it was cheap but would get him drunk. Ian followed suit filling his own cup and leading them over to lean against one of the walls where not to many people resigned. 

“Thanks for goin out” Ian mumbled as he wrapped his arms around Mickey from behind, his lips pressing to Mickey’s temple. 

“Course” Mickey said, turning his head to lock their lips. Ian tasted like the cherry jell-o, how ironic Mickey thought as they licked at the inside of each other's mouths.

Mickey was intoxicating to Ian, just his kisses making him high. 

“Finish your drink and come dance with me” Ian giggled, gulping down his beer and dropping the cup to the floor. 

Mickey followed suit, letting out a loud burp. 

“Gross” Ian laughed, taking Mickey's hand and leading them onto the dance floor as Shape of You by Ed Sheeran started to play, Ian immediately grabbing onto Mickey’s hips to sway them to the music. 

As the chorus hit, Ian rolled his body against Mickey’s, the dark haired boy reaching up to clasp his hands around Ian’s broad shoulders. 

Ian ground his pelvis into Mickey’s, a soft moan leaving the brunettes lips as Ian pushed against him to the beat of the catchy song.

Mickey was fully hard in his jeans. Ian was grinding and rolling his body against him, his dance skills as amazing as ever. Mickey just swayed to the music and let Ian take the lead swaying them however he wanted. 

“Turn around” Ian whispered against Mickey’s ear, the dark haired boy listening dutifully to his sexy-ass boyfriend. 

Ian wrapped his arms around Mickey, pushing them flush together as he swayed his hips against the ass he had grown to love so much. 

Mickey turned his head, wrapping a hand around the back of Ian’s neck to pull him into an open mouthed kiss. 

Ian gasped into Mickey’s mouth, letting the other boy probe his tongue into his mouth. Ian kept grinding his hips against Mickey as the song and the kiss came to an end. Both boys out of breath as they broke apart and Mickey turned back around to press his chest against Ian’s.

“I love you” Mickey said, a wide smile on his face as he managed to get the words out he had been thinking since he first spotted his Cherry at a party like this one. 

“Love you too Mick” Ian said without missing a beat, wrapping his arms around Mickey to pull him into a hug. It was true, he had grown to really fucking love Mickey, all their time spend together seemed amazing and meaningful. 

“You do?” Mickey said into Ian’s shoulder as he hugged him back. 

“Fucking love you so much” Ian said into Mickey’s ear, his hand tangling in the messy dark hair he loved. 

“Fucking love you Cherry, so fucking much” Mickey breathed, cupping Ian’s face in both hands so he could look into his green eyes. “You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.” 

Ian pressed his lips to Mickey’s, pure passion in the movement as yet again the boys fell into each others moans and mouths. 

They continued to kiss for a while, and then spent another hour dancing to the various songs, falling into a make out session whenever one of them felt like it. 

Later that night they stumbled into Ian’s dorm room, lips not leaving each others as they stripped and fell into bed. All the while whispering ‘love yous’ to each other.


	12. Love, Lust, And More Love.

“Need you inside me” Mickey gasped as Ian’s lips popped off his cock with a wet sound. Ian had been teasing him with long slow licks and sucks, and a single finger slowly fucking him. 

“Wanna to make you feel so good” Ian said sucking just above Mickey’s hip bone as he slid another finger into him, slowly scissoring as his lips kissed up Mickey’s dick again. 

Mickey was squirming, he had already wrapped his lips around Cherry and the taste and moans Ian was giving him just from that almost sent him over the edge. And now, now Ian was driving him fucking crazy with small touches and teasing. 

“Please Ian, I need to you fuck me, please” Mickey whined, his whole body twitching as Ian continued to finger him slowly. 

“Fuck” Ian said, moving up Mickey’s body to connect their already red, sore, puffy lips. 

Ian loved it when Mickey was needy, when he begged for him like this. It was a big turn on and only made Ian more crazy about the new love of his life. 

“Love you, please Cherry, need you in me” Mickey said again, bucking his hips up into Ian. 

“Love you-” Ian paused, throwing Mickey's legs up into the air and sliding into him with one long thrust forward,“-too.” 

Mickey’s head was spinning, the emotions and pleasure coursing through him fucking powerful and overtaking. He was both shell shocked and busted open, all of him flooding into Ian, into their life together, their love and lust together. 

Mickey could have seen himself going into a panic attack in a moment like this, but Ian could sense at the slightest tense when Mickey was having a hard time, adjusting accordingly to keep Mickey stable and happy, always bringing him back to the pleasure rather than the suffering. 

“Feel so good Mick” Ian mumbled into the brunettes skin as he slid in and out of him with perfect thrust, hitting Mickey’s g-spot accordingly to Mickey’s upward hip movements.

Mickey’s legs wrapped around Ian’s waist, his hands digging and scratching needy at Ian’s freckled back as breathless gasps and moans left his sore lips. Both boys orgasms building up quickly in the heat of the moment. 

“so good” Mickey proclaimed, sucking and biting at Ian’s neck desperately, his whole body quaking under the redheads. 

“Want you to cum for me babe” Ian rasped, his thrust becoming more erratic with each push and pull. 

“Babe?” Mickey asked questioningly, not really giving a shit because Ian could say anything to him right now and he would love it. 

“Just touch yourself, on close” Ian said, his voice heavy with pants as he drilled in and out of the boy under him. 

Mickey nodded, dropping his hand between them to trike himself in time with Ian. 

Ian locked his lips to Mickey's, each boy capturing each other's moans as they were pushed over the edge. 

Mickey dug his nails so hard into Ian's shoulder that he was sure he drew blood, but neither cared as Mickey yelled out “fucking love you” and spilled all over his own stomach and chest, his body clenching hard around Ian as his back arched and he let out heavy pants and gasps. 

Ian finished followed suit, coming deep inside Mickey, all notions of a condom lost at the words “I love you.” He gave one last little thrust, his cock over stimulated and twitching as he pulled out and fell onto his side next to Mickey. 

Mickey could feel Ian's cum leaking out of him onto his thigh and bed sheets, but he didn't care. He was fucking loved in his own and now Cherry’s and he loved it. 

“God, that was the best” Ian said, planting a kiss on the corner of his wrecked boyfriends mouth. 

“Mmmmhmmm” Mickey said closing his eyes, he could drift into sleep right now. 

“No sleeping, need to get cleaned up” Ian said, but he didn't move either, his body sore and blissed out. 

“Can do in the morning” Mickey mumbled, turning on his side to wrap an arm around Ian. 

“Fine, but if Rick is pissed that we are laying naked covered in cum when he gets back I am blaming it all on you. “

“Okay” Mickey said, to sleepy to care. 

Ian rolled his eyes, reaching up to turn off the light and bring the sheets up over them. 

“Love you” Mickey mumbled, pressed a small kiss to some place on Cherry’s skin. 

“Love you to, have good sleeps” Ian replayed, running a hand through Mickey's sweaty hair and falling quickly to sleep himself.


	13. Nightmare

Ian sat up quickly in bed, Rick turning on the light as another scream came from Mickey's mouth, the dark haired boy still fast asleep but shaking and mumbling. 

“Fuck, make him stop” Rick said, turning the light back off and falling into bed, a pillow over his head. 

Ian hated it when Mickey was in distress in his dreams, it made Ian sad that he could not even escape his abuse when sleeping. 

“Shhh, you are okay” Ian whispered running a hand through Mickey's hair, to hopefully softly wake up the boy in his bed. 

Mickey started, his eyes shooting wide open as he shot up, and moved his fish forward, a loud cracking noise and a “fuck” coming from beside him as he realized what had just happened. 

His eyes filled with tears as he found Ian the dark next to him. 

“I'm sorry, fuck I'm so sorry” Mickey said through sniffles, tears rolling down his cheeks as Ian flicked on the light again, eliciting a groan from his roommate. 

“Shit, Ian I'm so sorry” Mickey said as he noticed the blood pooling out of Ian's nose. 

Ian grabbed a handful of tissues, wadding them up against his nose before turning back to the crying boy next to him. 

“It's okay, you didn't mean it, you were sleeping” Ian said resting his free hand on Mickey's bare shoulder to try and comfort him. Mickey normally work up startled when he was having a nightmare, but never quite like this. 

“Your nose, fuck, let me get you Ice” Mickey said jumping out of bed and pulling on his boxers, trying to stop the tears that were still water falling out of his eyes. Both from the nightmare and from the fact that he just hurt his boyfriend.

“It's okay, not broken, just knocked it, will be fine” Ian said trying to calm the mess of the boy now standing in the middle of the room. 

“Leave or go back to sleep” Rick said from under his pillow. 

“I'm sorry” Mickey said, his whole body shaking. 

“Look, not even bleeding anymore” Ian said moving the tissue away from his nose. 

“Okay” Mickey nodded, getting back into bed slowly, still unsure. 

“Shhh” Ian said wrapping his arms around Mickey as tears continued to roll down his face. 

“I'm sorry, I'm such a fuck up” Mickey said burying his head into Ian's shoulder. 

“No need to be sorry, you were having a nightmare and got startled, normal” Ian said running a soothing hand in circles on Mickey's back. 

“Not normal to punch your boyfriend in the face while you sleep” Rick said with a grown. Normally Ian's roommate was a nice guy, but be was hungover and needed some shut eye. 

“I'm sorry, fuck” Mickey said, the distorted images from his dream still running through his mind. 

“Here, here” Ian said shutting off the light and pulling Mickey down so both boys were laying down, Ian as the big spoon. 

“Bad dream, eh?” Ian said, his lips pressed to the small of Mickey’s back. 

Mickey nodded, the images still running circles in his mind. 

“What about?” Ian whispered, his nose killing him, but at least it was not bleeding anymore, plus he could not tell Mickey that. 

“Just fucked up images” Mickey said, trying to close his eyes but that only made it worse. 

“You can tell me” Ian said softly, wanting Mickey to let him in, let him take some of the burden. 

“Some lady getting fucked up, but like by monster looking things, and I couldn't do nothin," Mickey managed, swallowing hard and shaking his head to try and get the pictures to go away. 

“I’m sorry, sounds scary.” 

Mickey nodded, forcing himself to close his eyes so he could hopefully go back to sleep. He focused on Ian’s warm breath against his back, and the arms that were protectively wrapped around him, taking slow deep breaths that matched Cherry’s. 

“Love you, I’m sorry” Mickey said again.

“Love you to Mick, gonna be okay.”

Both boys fell asleep, Mickey still shaking somewhat In Ian’s arms.


	14. Good And Gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has some important background information in it, but it also features Mickey harming himself, it is fairly detailed. I have put a warning right above where the scene starts, it ends when the chapter does. Also the harm scene itself does not have super pertinent information so you would not miss anything by skipping it. 
> 
> Additionally, this chapter contains the song “kiss me again” by Jessica Lea Mayfield.

It had been a week or so since the incident in Mickey’s sleep. The boys loved each other as much as ever, but Mickey was unable to forgive himself for hurting Ian, and the stupid bad dreams had only worsened. Mickey was unable to sleep over at Ian’s worried something else would happen. But at the same time that left him lonely in his own bed. 

Ian was worried, Mickey would not forgive himself no matter how many times Ian told him that it was okay. And after the nightmare, Ian had done some digging into Mickey’s mental health symptoms. He desperately wanted Mickey to tell him, talk to him about it, but pushing never ended well so Ian did research to hopefully get some answers.

He know a lot about being Bipolar, hell he lived it, but Mickey was not like that. He would have depressive episodes sure, but he was not completely delusional or manic. He read about PTSD and found many of Mickey’s symptoms fit. And with his background in an abusive home it seemed very possible.

He had been thinking about bringing it up to Mickey since he did the reading the other day, but Mickey was already stressing about that upcoming Christmas brake that would lend itself to both boys having to return home for the 2 week vacation. So Ian stayed quiet, no matter how hard it was not to push, not to ask or mention when Mickey seemed lost, or stuck on an images in his head.

And now, now Mickey’s phone was ringing again as it had the past week, his sister seemingly desperate to talk to her brother.

“You should pick up Mick” Ian said, handing the phone that he had just been using as a calculator to Mickey.

“Shit, fine” Mickey said his phone ringing in his hand. Ian and himself were studying in Ian’s room, books and papers spread out everywhere.

Ian nodded and shoved on some headphone, keeping the music low so he could still hear what Mickey was saying to his sister. Ian knew he shouldn't but he was always desperate for more information about his boyfriends past and family.

“Hey Mandy” Mickey started. Ian could not hear Mandy's side of the conversation, only having to guess what Mickey’s sister said based on the dark haired boy's words.

\---

“Yeah just been busy hanging out with Ian, I’m sorry.”

\---

“I know, I know, how is school?” 

\---

“I’m glad, yeah classes been good.”

\---

“I don’t know, we are busy.”

\---

“No, it’s not the fucking same, this is different.”

\---

“Mandy I will be fine, drop it.”

\---

“I can handle it, promise, please don’t worry.” 

\---

“Yeah, I will call if…..It’s not gonna happen so nothin to worry about.”

\---

“Yeah, will call you tomorrow, try and keep in touch better.”

\---

“Love you too, bye.”

Mickey hung up the phone, his conversation with Mandy bringing back all the thoughts of his last relationship and breakup he had been trying to avoid, and doing well at for the most part. He overreacted to things, he knew that, and Mandy was just worried about his reaction if Ian broke up with him or something stupid that would never fucking happen.

“Everything good?” Ian asked, worried slightly about Mickey's words, wishing he could have known what Mandy had said to cause Mickey to say what he did.

“She is just worried you are gonna brake up with me, but she does not know you” Mickey said defensively, sitting back down on the bed next to Ian.

Ian nodded, “I would never, like you to damn much.”

“Thanks” Mickey smiled, giving his Cherry a quick peck on the lips.

“What happened?” Ian asked, pausing somewhat. He knew he should not push, but he needed to know, deserved to know, he just wanted any idea of what could have contributed to Mickey’s possible PTSD. “To make her worried If we broke up?, your last relationship?”

“Ian” Mickey sighed. Cherry had tried to ask him before, and Mickey occasionally brought it up, but he hated thinking about what happened with James,  let alone talking about it.

“I know you don’t like talking about it, but I think I deserve to know, I’m not gonna judge you or anythin,” Ian brought his hand to rest on Mickey’s thigh, trying to be supportive.

“You will anyways, plus Mandy always makes it so dramatic,” Mickey said moving away from Ian slightly. Talking about this was not gonna happen, Cherry would hate him no matter what he said. And it was in the past, it didn't matter anymore, why did everyone have to keep bringing it up?

“So you tell me” Ian said, looking right at Mickey, but Mickey would not look back at him.

Mickey could feel his whole body tensing, his hands were in fist and he was gnawing a hole in the inside of his cheek.

“Please Mickey? Just something?” Ian begged, seeing Mickey was getting worked up, but if he was gonna keep committing to Mickey like he wanted to, he needed to know.

“I broke into the guy's house, okay? Trashed his stuff and then swallowed a lot of pills, that's it!” Mickey was standing now, grabbing handfuls of school work and shoving them into his bag. What he had just said was all true, but it didn't get into the full affect of what he did, that would be to close to how he catalogs his time with Cherry. But he could not get into this, not ever. He just wanted to forget, but the world seemed to keep asking him to relive it all.

“Mickey it’s okay, calm down please” Ian said, trying to get Mickey to stop, to sit down; but Mickey just kept pushing him away.

“Leave me alone, you got what you wanted” Mickey said, as Ian tried to wrap his arms around him again.

“No, I love you, I don't care what happened.”

“You are lying! Shut the fuck up!” Mickey spat, his fist connecting with Ian’s jaw as Ian tried to hug him again. Ian stumbled and fall with the force of Mickey’s punch, his eyes beginning to water as he crashed to the floor.

“Fuck you” Mickey said even though he did not mean it, he loved Ian too, but talking about this was just too much for him. He ran out of Ian’s dorm room, slamming the door behind him.

Ian did not know who to blame. Mandy for bringing this up with her call? Mickey for overreacting? or himself for pushing? It all seemed fucked up. He was not lying, not even a little bit. He loved the dark haired boy, even with his issues. No matter what mistakes Mickey made, he loved him. God knows he fucked up a lot in his life, Mickey was allowed to as well. But the boy would not forgive himself, and therefor not let Ian in on what he was thinking.

“Fuck” Ian breathed, standing up, his jaw aching.

 

**WARNING:**

Mickey stumbled into his room, tears falling down his face. He was happy to find his dorm empty. He turned on some music, and found his favorite knife and a carton of cigarettes. He striped off all his clothes but boxers, and laid back on his bed, lighting the cigarette between his teeth and letting the smoke fill his lungs.

_ You got me where you want me but, I ain't all there _ .

He slid the flat side of the knife against the inside of his thigh. This would be the first time he hurt himself in months, but he needed relief, needed something to ground him.

_ My head is gone, my brain is fried, 'nd I'm standing right here. _

His mind was racing and spinning, he could not get the images out of his head. His dad beating him, James breaking up with him, his suicide attempt; and Ian...Ians fucking face as Mickey punched him.

_ You can touch me if you want to, oh I don't really care. _

He tilted the knife so the sharp edge pressed into his skin. He exhaled a large puff of smoke, simultaneously pressing and sliding the knife diagonally across the pale flesh of his inner thigh. He lifted the blade up and watched as a red line appeared, and a drip of blood ran down.

_ But I have ruined everything that I ever loved. _

Mickey took another puff of his cigarette, and slide another cut just next to the last, watching as a large red stain began to pool into his bed sheet. He didn't care, they would be thrown out if needed. Right now he just needed to feel the string on his skin.

_ I guess we have to play the cards we've been dealt. And I guess I got nothing. _

It was hard to breath, his nose was stuffy from crying and his lungs where heavy from the smoke, but he took another puff anyways, letting it out as he slid a deeper cut onto the outside of his other thigh, this one hurting more than the last 2, but it was easy. Easy to fall into this habit, it felt as good as anything like this could. It always gave him some relief, but not as much as he ever needed. Ian gave him that.

_ But whatever happens happens…'cause my life is falling apart, Or is it getting better?- I don't know. _

He put out the cigarette into an half empty soda can that was sitting on the desk by his head, sitting up slightly to let the flat side of the knife press into his forearm for a second before moving it back down to the field of damage he already had.

_ Well you can kiss me again if you want, I don't mind. _

He made a couple more rapid cuts, some of them intersecting with scars as he marked up his skin, his tears subsiding as empty loneliness filled him. The pictures in his head faded into blurry red images as he closed his eyes, and felt nothing but the sting and warmth of his self and past abuse.

_ Well you can kiss me again if you want, oh that'd be fine. _


	15. Let Me In

“Open the door Mick, please” Ian said leaning against Mickey’s dorm door, he could hear Mickey in there, he knew what his sobbing sounded like, but for the past 20 or so minutes he had been pleading to silence.

“Should I tell you about all the fucked up stuff I have done?” Ian finally said since nothing else seemed to work. 

“I stole my brother's identity and caused a fucking helicopter to blow up, try fucking shit up, right?” 

He waited, and finally the door opened an inch, a single puffy tear stained blue eye looking at him.

“Really? You blew up a helicopter?” Mickey said, astonished. 

“Yeah, had to go to a military trial and everything” Ian said with a small smile, luckily the whole thing had been dismissed. 

“Fuck man, makes my shit look small” Mickey said, still not wanting to let Ian in, there was blood running down both his legs, that was not a good look. 

“Just as real” Ian said, shoving a hand in the door so Mickey could not close it. 

“I’m sorry” Mickey said, seeing the blooming bruise on Ian’s jaw line, his nose still bruised from the previous punch. 

Ian rubbed his jaw, “it’s fine, should have punched ya back” he laughed a little. 

“I deserve it, got two on your ass” Mickey said, forcing a small smile. 

“Let me come in, and I can make that happen” Ian said, trying to lighten the mood. 

Mickey looked down at his legs, than back at his bed, a large red stain covered the sheets that probably socked into the mattress. 

“Not pretty in here” he admitted, now really feeling his cuts starting to sting as his adrenaline had come down. 

“I don’t care” Ian said, unsure of what that meant. 

Mickey owed his boyfriend, he knew that. He owned him the world, so with reluctance he pulled on a shirt and opened the door. 

Ian immediately wrapped his arms around the dark haired boy, one hand on the small of his back as the other cupped his neck. 

His eyes could not help but wonder to the large stain that adorned Mickey’s bed, it still looked wet. He swallowed, feeling nauseous, not because of the blood, but because Mickey could have done that in the short time between the fight and when Ian came to his door. 

The boys broke apart after a second and Ian’s eyes shifted downward to the blood that ran down Mickey’s thigh out of various cuts the boy had made. 

“I’m sorry, I felt like I needed to” Mickey said noticing Ian looking at him. He ran a finger just above one of the open slits, it stung, but he deserved that. 

“Hard to see that” Ian admitted, looking away. He hated that his boyfriend felt like he needed to harm himself, felt like he could not go to him to get that relief. 

“I’m just really stressing about going back home soon, and..and Mandy made me think about all that shit with my ex,” Mickey felt weak as his legs began to hurt more and more, walking back to take a seat on his bed. 

“I’m sorry I pushed it” Ian said, feeling guilty. But going over to stand in front of Mickey, no place to sit on the bed that was clean, other than where Mickey was already.

“No, it’s okay, I’m sorry. Just a sore spot” Mickey said, leaning forward to press his forehead into Ian’s stomach. “i’m a shitty boyfriend.”

Ian placed both his hands in Mickey’s hair massaging the boy's scalp lightly. “No, your not Mick, just been dealt a bad hand in life.”

Mickey sighed, that was not an excuse he felt like he could use, he knew what he did. He knew all the mistakes he had made, was making. But he needed to make it up to Ian.

“I was in denial, that he broke up with me” Mickey started, taking a deep breath. Talking about his ex was a nightmare, but Ian just waited calmly. “I didn't believe him...so I followed him around, pretended we were still together, or I thought we were still together, I don't know,” Mickey could feel himself getting shaky, but forced himself to focus on Ian’s touch. 

“You don't have to say more Mick, I should have not pushed” Ian said, the boy below him starting to tremble and breath heavy. 

“You wanna know though?” Mickey asked, looking up into Ian’s green eyes, his whole body aching.

“Yes, when you are ready” Ian said, though he did want to know now, but thought better of that. 

“Might be never” Mickey said, a tear running down his flushed cheek. 

“Okay” Ian said, looking down to see the blood that was now almost dry on Mickey’s legs. “We should get you cleaned up, don’t want those getting infected or nothin.”

Mickey ran a finger over one of the more minor cuts. Somehow it was calming to look at them fresh like that. Cutting gave him control when he felt like he could do nothing. “Only ever had one get that way, when I first started, didn't know how to take care of that shit,” he said matter-o-factually, grabbing a tissue to wipe what was still wet away, the rest would need water. 

It hurt Ian, that Mickey talked like cutting was normal, but maybe to him it was. 

“You don’t have to watch, or help, I know what to do” Mickey said, noticing that Ian’s face had gone pale and bleak looking down at his open wounds. 

“Doesn't it hurt?” Ian asked, a worried look on his face as Mickey gathered his shower stuff. 

“Kinda part of the point” Mickey said, putting on sweatpants to walk to the bathroom. It stung, but he didn't want to show off his damage to anyone who might be in the halls. Would need to throw his sheets in the wash as well he noted, his head clearer now that he had calmed down some. 

Ian was fidgeting uncomfortably, he had examined and touched every one of Mickey’s scars, but seeing him open like this made him feel sick and sad. 

“I got it, not gonna do more if you leave me alone” Mickey said, resting a hand on Ian’s shoulder. He was beat but could tell Ian was internally struggling with the sight of his self-abuse. 

“Promise?” Ian said, looking into Mickey’s pale blue eyes, still bloodshot from crying. 

“Mhmm” Mickey said, pecking Ian on the lips, “I’m sorry. Fuck, I feel like you don’t deserve me.” 

It was true, here he was cutting himself open, denying his issues and past abuse, and Ian just stood idly by, waiting to literally and metaphorically catch him when he falls.

“Love you so much Mick, we are gonna take care of each other, okay?” Ian said, his hands cupping Mickey’s face. 

“Love you to Ian” he replied, pressing his lips to his Cherry’s. 

The boys kissed softly with open mouths, each one savoring the others taste and feeling, hands wondering softly over each others faces and hair as they took in the love they had for each other.

But in the back of both boys minds they had worries. Ian worried about Mickey's upcoming trip to visit home, and what his father might do. He worried about how Mickey would handle being away from him, and how he would handle any issues they might have in the future. He worried Mickey might do something like he did to his ex if things ever got bad, and how they would handle it. 

Mickey worried about how seeing his father after so long would affect him. But most prominently he felt that Ian did not deserve him, feeling bad that he was keeping his previous stalking of his boyfriend hidden away. 

Mickey took a long cool shower, cleaning himself up while Ian stripped his bed, throwing the soiled sheets into a trash bag, probably unsaleable. When the boys met up again in Mickey’s room they laid on the new sheets and blanket Ian had put on the bed. Arms tangled around each other as they kissed softly and let hands wonder; Ian careful not to touch the wounds Mickey had bandaged. 

“Love you” Ian whispered, his hand lazily combing through Mickey’s damp hair. 

“Love you too Cherry” Mickey said, his eyes falling closed by Ian’s soothing touch, his whole mind and body beyond exhausted. 

They fell asleep in each other's arms, not caring if they missed dinner.


	16. Make It Quick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut chapter before the boys head home for the holidays. Wish Mickey luck.

Mickey awoke to Ian hovering half an inch above him. Ian’s morning breath sweeping over his face, causing him to both grimace and smile. 

“Need to brush your teeth Gallagher” he said, wrapping his arms around Ian to pull him down next to him, resting his head on his boyfriend's chest.

“Your one to talk” Ian said, kissing Mickey anyways, a smile brimming on both their lips as hands found their place under shirts and lips moved slowly and sleepily together. 

“No fucking with me in here” Ale said, making a disgusted face as the boys continued to sweetly make out. He had walked in and woken up to the shit enough. 

“Next year we are getting our own place, no dorm bullshit” Ian said, running a hand through Mickey’s mess of hair. 

“Are we now?” Mickey said, they had never talked about that. 

“Or at least a dorm together, than we can fuck all we want” Ian laughed, sitting up some.

“You do that already” Ale commented, rolling his eyes. 

“Look way then” Ian said, kissing Mickey again before dropping down under the blankets and moving down Mickey’s body. He was horny and wanted Mickey’s dick in his mouth about 20min ago.

“Cherry” Mickey smirked, grabbing his shoulder so the redhead could not move any further down. 

“Are you denying head?” Ian smiled up at him, resting his chin on Mickey’s stomach. 

Mickey’s eyes went wide, because yes that was definitely something he wanted, Ian was amazing with his mouth in every possible way. But his roommate was right there. 

“When can I get someone to suck my dick?” Ale said to the air as he clambered out of bed, grabbing his bathroom stuff. “Make it fast, gonna go shower, and when I get back I don't want to see any dicks.” 

“Oh, Mickey is not going to last long” Ian smirked, poking his head up from the blanket. 

“Shut the fuck up” Mickey said, smacking Ian on the top of the head lightly. 

Ale only grumbled, exiting the room. 

“Fucking mood killer” Ian said, dropping back down under the blankets to pull Mickey’s boxers down to free his semi-hard. 

Mickey was about to say some witty remark, but then his dick was in Ian’s mouth and all he could do was drop his head back and let out a happy groan. 

Ian smiled around Mickey’s dick, his lips wrapped around the head and tongue swirling as his hand worked the shaft. He hollowed his cheeks and slowly bobbed his head farther down, taking Mickey until the head of his cock hit the back of Ian’s throat. A loud moan came from Mickey’s mouth. 

“Fuck” Mickey breathed as Ian licked up his cock only to bob his head down again, nose nuzzling into the small patch of dark pubic hair. 

“Like that?” Ian asked, popping off with a wet sounds. 

Mickey nodded, throwing the blanket off of Ian so he could watch him work. 

Ian went to kiss the inside of Mickey's thigh, his hand stocking Mickey's hard on. But he stopped as his lips almost landed on a square bandage that took up a good portion of the right expanse of Mickey’s skin. His breath hitched as he felt thrown off. It had been a couple days from the incident, and each time he was just as startled as the last as he looked upon the bandages and scabbing cuts. 

He took a breath, and moved his mouth back to Mickey’s dick, abandoning the thigh kissing. 

Mickey tangled a hand in his favorite fiery hair, and felt his smile drop some as Ian hesitated at his cuts. And although his mouth continued to feel amazing Mickey felt bad, like he had betrayed Ian and reminded the redhead every time he saw his legs. 

“You don't have to continue, I know it’s a turn off” Mickey said, Ian was not looking at him like he normally did, and he didn't seem as eager as before. 

“Wanna make you feel good” Ian hummed, moving a hand up Mickey’s torso as he licked from the base to the tip, plunging his tongue into the slip, eliciting a loud moan from the boy under his touch. 

“Mouth feels so good” Mickey moaned, his hand pulling slightly at Ian’s hair. “Wanna get you off too, let me suck you, or you could fuck me.” Mickey moaned again as Ian deepthroated him, before pulling off. 

Ian wanted to fuck Mickey, he always wanted to fuck his sexy as hell boyfriend, but he was not sure there was time for that. 

“Think we can fit it in?” He said, raising an eyebrow as he moved up Mickey’s body to crash their lips together. 

Mickey gasped, no they could not fit it in before Ale got back, but fuck did he want Ian inside him. 

“Fuck me please” Mickey begged, his hands finding Ian’s ass to push their pelvises together, cocks rubbing together as moans escaped into each others mouths. 

“Can’t say no to that” Ian gasped, biting at Mickey’s neck. “Hands and knees.” 

Mickey took no time to do as Cherry said, pushing his ass into the air as he dropped his head between his shoulders, Ian’s large hands immediately massaging his ass cheeks. 

Ian slid off his boxers and shirt, sucking two of his fingers into his mouth eagerly. He then slid his wet fingers down Mickey’s crack, circling them a couple times before pushing one inside. 

Mickey let out a loud groan as he felt Ian press into him, rocking his hips back into the touch. 

“Fucking tight” Ian gasped, leaning forward over Mick to kiss in between his shoulder blades as he opened the boy under him up. 

“Should speed this up” Mickey moaned, not wanting to but knowing they needed to. Ian felt so fucking good circling two fingers inside him, but Ale could be back anytime. 

“Mhmm, lube” Ian said, scissoring him which only elicited a gasp out of Mickey. 

Mickey leaned forward to grab a half empty bottle of lube that was still on the desk from last night. He turned his head back to look at Ian as he handed it to him, watching as Ian quickly removed his fingers, put a helping dollop onto his hole, than on the redheads own cock. 

“Ready? I can open you more” Ian said, normally paying more attention to that step then they were. 

“Yeah, it’s fine, get to it Cherry.”

Ian chuckled, lining up than pushing into his boyfriend. Both boys let out a loud moan and Mickey dropped his head again, letting the pleasure of being filled up wash over him. 

“Love this, love you” Ian said, rolling his hips as he bottomed out, his chest pressed to Mickey’s back. 

Mickey hummed, rocking his hips back some into Ian. “move,” he demanded. 

Ian laughed again, grabbing onto Mickey’s hips as he started pulling out to the tip than slamming back in, his breath quickly speeding up as he moved his hips faster. 

“Awww, Cherry” Mickey breathed out, his legs shaking as Ian tilted his thrust slightly to hit his g-spot.   
“Said you wanted to speed it up” Ian smiled. Out of breath as he continued to pound Mickey in the place that drove him crazy. 

“Fuck..o.o.off” Mickey barely managed, shaking under Ian as he was being undone with pleasure. 

A knock came on the door than, “decent?” Ale called from the other side. 

Mickey was about to yell no, but just at that moment Ian wrapped a hand around his cock, eliciting a loud string of moans instead. 

“Fucking hell” Ale called from the hall, Mickey’s moan a clear ‘no’ in and of its own. “Hurry up, I have class, you have class...jesus.” 

“I think your roommate hates me” Ian said, his orgasm not far off. 

“Just fuck me firecrotch, i’m close” Mickey said, leaning down more so his head rested on the bed, reaching back to jerk his dick as a quick pace. 

“I can do that” Ian breathed, baring down on Mickey. Talking was done at that point, it was all skin slapping and moans as pleasure built up. 

It was only with a couple more skilled thrust and strokes and Mickey was shaking and finishing all over his hand, his body restricting around Ian causing him to climax with a moan of Mickey’s name, filling him up to the hilt. 

As Ian pulled out Mickey flipped over onto his back, grabbing Ian to pull him down into a kiss. Their heavy breath filling each others mouths as they kissed with all tongue and post-sex bliss. 

Ian climbed off the bed after a moment, pulling on his boxers so at least Mickey’s roommate could come in, not like he had not see Ian’s dick before. 

“Put these on” Ian said, tossing Mickey his own underwear. Mickey did, only noticing now that Ian’s hands digging into his hips had opened up the top of one of his fresh cuts, a smear of blood running over his thigh. 

“All clear” Ian yelled, gathering his discarded clothes. 

“Jesus, seriously no more fucking in this room” Ale spoke, grumpy as he entered the dorm room. He looked to Mickey, since it was their shared room, noticing the brunette just looking down at a thin line of blood running down the outside of his thigh. “What happened to you?” 

Ian tuned, looking down at where Mickey sat on the bed, only noticing what he had done then. “Shit, did I do that?” Ian asked, pulling on his shirt.   
“It’s fine” Mickey quickly said, suddenly self conscious of his lack of clothes as both Ale and Ian where looking at his fucked up legs. He grabbed a pair of pants, throwing them on quickly.”Should go shower” he mumbled, grabbing a clean shirt and boxers to head to the stalls. 

“I’ll go with you” Ian said, worried he had hurt Mickey. Mickey nodded, leaving the dorm with Ian tailing him. 

“Sorry, should pay more attention” Ian said, taking Mickey’s hand in his own as they made their way to the bathroom at the end of the hall. 

“It’s okay, doesn't hurt..just” he took a breath “I hate that it keeps reminding you, reminding me.” He regretted the whole thing, he had over reacted and done it when there were other options of things that would make him feel better. When he was home and had harmed he had nothing else, nothing better. But now, the other day, he could have gone to Ian, could have talked to him rather than jumping to self-harm. 

“Love ya all the same, and soon it will just be a scare” Ian said, not really knowing how to make his boyfriend not feel bad about it. 

‘Another scar’ Mickey thought, thankful for Ian all the same. “Love you too.” 

The boys took a shower together even though that was prohibited in the shared boys bathroom. They didn't go for a round two or anything, just kissing and touching lightly as they washed off, relishing in each other. And going to class late.


	17. Heading Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Lots of homophobic language in this chapter.

Brake had gotten here faster than ever. Mickey had reluctantly been talking to his sister every day to prepare them both for going home for the Holiday. His other brothers would only be there for Christmas Eve and day, but Mandy and himself would be staying the whole 2 weeks.

“Gonna call me every day, text me every second” Ian said as Mickey finished packing up his stuff, Ian already all set to head home for the vacation.

“Will when I can, don't know if I will get much time alone” Mickey said, looking away from Ian, his anxiety going up by the second as his drive home became a reality.  He had lived with Terry's bullshit for 19 years, what was 2 weeks? But really being away from home was the best fucking thing that had happened to him in what seemed like forever, so going back would be hard.

“Okay, well...I will be thinking of you” Ian said, placing a hand on Mickey's chin to force the boy to look at him.

Ian did not know the details of Mickey's abuse in relation to his father, all he knew was it was bad enough to endure PTSD in the brunette. Thus having to see Mickey go back to that environment was heartbreaking. He wanted to tell someone, say something, but he didn't know who, plus Mickey didn't want that, he would rather pretend nothing happened.

“Love you” Ian added, as Mickey only looked at him briefly.

“Love you too, have a good vacation, don't worry about me” Mickey said, forcing himself to look at Ian and give me a small smile.

Ian sighed, giving his boyfriend a quick peck. He would miss Mickey more than anything, and for sure would be worrying about him every second. But at the same time he was excited to see his family. He loved his adoptive parents and he would get to see all his siblings. He wished Mickey could come with him. He had offered, but Mickey said he had to go home, his dad wanted to see his children if he was paying for them to go to expensive universities.

“Gotta send ya off” Ian said as the boys walked out to the car. The cold December air stinging their faces. Mickey would be doing the 6 hour drive back to New Jersey, and Ian was flying back home tomorrow morning.

“Drive safe, k?” Ian said, wrapping Mickey in a tight hug.

Mickey nodded, pulling away only so he could press his lips to Ian's.

“So thankful for you” he mumbled, kissing Ian again, this time adding in tongue.

“Same, gonna leave me horny though if we keep this up” Ian said, his lips puffy already. Cheeks cold.

Mickey smirked, kissing his boyfriend one last time before sliding into the driver's seat.

“Let me know when you get there” Ian said, ruffling Mickey's hair.

“Will do, love you so much Cherry.”

Ian leaned down and kissed his boyfriend yet again, closing the door.

He smiled and waved as Mickey drove off, not caring how freezing he was. He waited until Mickey was fully out of sight before heading back inside. He really hoped his boyfriend would be okay.

Mickey stopped twice on the long ride, each time sending a message to Ian and Mandy. Mandy went to school in NYC, so she had already arrived home, so far everything had gone well.

From Ian:

_Let me know when you get there, love you <3_

To Ian:

_Will do, gonna start driving, love you too._

Ian was restless, pacing back and forth and taking way more smoke breaks than he would normally. He just wanted to be there with Mickey, punch his fucker of a father in the face. But he couldn't. He really hoped that he would not be this worked up for the rest of brake. Being away from his boyfriend was already agonizing and it had only been a couple hours.

Mickey focused on listening to music the whole ride, not letting his mind think about bad possibilities. He also let his mind play out kinky scenarios with Ian, and that kept him busy.

Before he knew it, he was in his hometown, and than parking in front of his childhood house. The red brick just as he remembered it. Before he got out of the car he sent Ian a message, knowing once he was inside he would be unable to use his phone.

To Ian:

_Just got home. Everything is gonna be fine, will text when I can. Love you so much,  so thankful to have you, Ian. Don't worry about me, plz. *kissie face*_

Ian shot up from bed at Mickey's text. He had been idly lying there, listening to music and trying to read, but his mind just kept wondering to everything that could happen to Mickey.

He shot a message back as fast as he could.

To Mickey:

_Will try, probably not gonna work tho. Love you just as much._

Ian waited, and waited, but than an hour had gone by with no more text from Mickey. He decided to try and go out with some friends, because it was not healthy to sit here and worry.

Things were awkward to say the least for Mickey.  He had gotten the same homophobic and degrading words in his father's casual conversation, but nothing overly dramatic had happened so far. And it was actually nice to hug his sister. The family was sitting down for dinner, full plates of chicken parm in front of them. Mickey waited as he had been programmed to for his father to start eating before he could. Being careful to cut his food, and wipe his mouth.

“Mick, how is school, meet any nice girls?” Terry asked, swirling a long piece of pasta into his mouth.

His dad knew he was gay, but dismissed the fact at every chance.

“Kinda” he said, Ian was the equivalent.

“What's her name? Why have I not heard of this?” Terry didn't look at him, instead finished off his 3rd beer.

“Ian” he said, his stomach turning, but he forced himself to took at his father.

“Strange name for a girl” Terry wiped his face and placed a fist on the table.

“Cuz he is a guy” Mickey said, raising his eyebrows at his father. Mandy only fidgeted uneasy in her seat.

“Get away from me faggot, I don't want to look at your face” Terry said, turning away from his son and waving a hand at him. Mickey got up from the table, leaving to go to his room. All things considered that was great reaction from his father.

He called Ian as soon as he got the chance, making sure his door was locked before falling back onto his bed.

“Gotta, gotta, take this” Ian said, walking out of his friends dorm room he had currently been drinking and hanging out in.

“Hey babe, how's, howsss it going?” Ian said, not realizing until now when he was trying to have a real conversation that he was very drunk.

“Not too bad, just got sent to my room for mentioning you, but that was a blessing.”

“Talkin bout me, hhhmm” Ian said with a smile.

“You drunk?” Mickey asked, he could hear the slurs in Ian's voice.

“Little, could not stop thinkin bout you, missed you Mick” Ian said, leaning against the wall only to slide down to the floor.

“Sounds like more than a little” Mickey said, “and you saw me this morning.”

“Miss that perfect ass of yours, always get horny when I drink.”

“I know” Mickey laughed, wishing he could indulge Ian in that right now. Would be a nice distraction.

“Fuck, didn't know I could miss you already, 2 weeks is long” Ian said with a sigh.

“Try and have a good vacation, will be back together soon” Mickey said, trying to reassure his boyfriend, but fuck if he didn't miss Ian already as well.

“Yeah, drunk fun” Ian giggled.

“Don't stay up to late, your flight is early” Mickey reminded him.

“Mhmm, how's you going?” Ian asked.

“Lots of homophobic slurs, but nothing I can't handle.”

“That's not okay” the smile dropped from Ian's face.

“Could be worse” Mickey said. Though he had not been home long.

“Sorry” Ian said, his head spinning from the alcohol.

“It's okay, you should probably try and get some rest” Mickey suggested, Ian clearly wasted.

“Mhmm, will, drank tooooo much” Ian said, his words slurred. He was feeling tired now that he had left the party environment of the dorm room.

“Don't do nothin stupid” Mickey said, not too worried.

“Nah, only wanna be with you, Mick” Ian said. God did he miss him.

“Was thinkin about kinky stuff on the drive up here” Mickey said, a dirty smile moving over his lips.

Ian hummed on the other end, “gonna tell me bout it?”

“You probably have whisky dick.”

“So, can't use it on your right nows anyyways.”

“Fuck off” Mickey chuckled. He was exhausted as well.

“Well I will hear about it sometime” Ian said, closing his eyes.

*knock, knock* came on Mickey's door, he stiffened and sat up. “Yes?”

“Dad wants you to come help do dishes” Mandy's voice said from the other side.

“Be right out!” Mickey shot back, quickly returning the phone to his ear.

“Gotta go Ian, you should hit the hay” he said into the phone.

“Meh..miss you babe” Ian said. He was drunk and all he wanted his boyfriend in his bed.

“Don’t call me that” Mickey smirked, secretly liking it. “But really, gotta go, will talk to you tomorrow. Don’t miss your flight.”

“I want you to give me head, Mick, you are sooooo good at that” Ian slurred, not paying too much attention to his boyfriend's words, to focused on his drunk body slouched on the floor.

Mickey chuckled, he would love to stay on the phone with Ian, talk dirty maybe. But he needed to get out there or his dad was not going to be happy.

“Get some rest Cherry, gotta go, love you.”

Ian groaned, unhappy that Mickey was leaving him drunk, lonely and horny.

“Say it back Ian, need to hear it” Mickey said, his voice going serious. Ian’s love was keeping him standing.

Ian smiled, realizing he had not said it back, somewhat ashamed. “Course, fucking love you!” he practically sang it, “love you Mickey!”

Mickey laughed again, despite how much anxiety this trip home was already giving him Ian always made him smile. “Bye.” and he hung up the phone, quickly making his way to the kitchen, knowing he had already taken too long.

“Where the fuck have you been?” Mandy whispered to him, washing the last plate.

“Ian would not get off the phone” he said back, looking over his shoulder to where his dad sat in front of the tv.

“So you hang up on him” Mandy said, it seemed to her that being away from this shit had made Mickey forget. How could he forget? They had learned to walk on eggshells, it had been programmed into all the Milkovich children.

“I’m sorry, he was drunk” Mickey said, like it would make up for it, drying the dishes his sister had washed.

“Mickey, son, come here” Terry yelled from the couch. Mickey tuned, stiffening automatically as he made his way over to his father.

“Sit” Terry demanded, glancing to the love seat that sat adjacent to the couch.

Mickey did, holding his breath.

“You will not being seeing that fag, whatever his name is anymore” his dad said, picking up a pamphlet that was sitting on the coffee table. Mickey had not noticed it until it was being shoved into his hand.

“I-” Mickey started, looking down on the pamphlet that featured a large cross and ‘dealing with unwanted attraction, a camp for troubled boys’ on the cover, and a picture of two teenage boys smiling. Mickey didn't know what he was looking at, he flipped it open, it featured a number of headed paragraphs, the first reading ‘what is conversion therapy, and how it helps.’ Mickey could not breath, he felt like he was going to vomit, pass out, or both. He just stared at the pamphlet not able to read anything but the same title over and over again. This could not be real? Right, his dad was not really doing this. He quickly thought of his best argument, blurting it out abruptly.

“I can’t miss school, I am doing well, love my major.” he said, forcing a smile as he looked his dad in the eyes, the action only causing him to feel more nauseous.

“You will finish up the year, not seeing that fag you think you might have something with, and go in the summer, it’s a 8 week program” Terry said it like it was nothing, looking back at the tv.

Mickey’s mind started running circles. First off there was no way he would stop seeing Ian, he would rather die, he would rather his dad beat him to death than that. And second, he could not go to a camp that would try and brainwash and traumatize him more than he already was. He could probably get away with faking not being with Ian, but not going to the camp? How the hell would get out of that. If he didn't go his dad would un-own him, he would be on the street with nothing.

“Having anything to say pussy?” his dad said, looking back at him now. Mickey swallowed, his hands going into fists. He wanted nothing more to yell, scream, tell his dad to fuck off, but that never ended well, he stopped doing that once he was old enough to know what the words meant.

“Okay” is all he said, looking down. His dad would not see him cry.

“Gonna get you some help son” Terry said patting him on the shoulder. Mickey only continued to look down at the paper still in his lap, breathless and stiff.

Than a hand fell on his back again, hard this time knocking the air out of his lungs. “Be fucking grateful faggot.”

Mickey bit his lip, tasting blood before forcing himself to look at his father.”Thank you.” The words hurt to say, but the faster he got them out the faster he could get back to the safety of his room.

“Get the fuck out of my sight, i try and do nice things for you ungrateful bastards!” Terry yelled, the crash of his beer bottle being thrown onto the hardwood floor caused a small gasp out of Mandy who was still in the kitchen. She quickly grabbed the dustpan to clean it up, an old habit.

Mickey didn't say anything, just headed to his room his sister following close after. He heard Mandy’s door close across the hall from his own, sitting down on the edge of his own bed, letting the tears fall now. He curled into a ball on his side, his chest heaving. He fell asleep like that, in his jeans curled up on top of his blankets, cold and alone like he had been until he met his Cherry.


	18. Brunch

Mickey awoke at 6:00am when his phoned dinged. 

From Ian:

_ Just getting on the plane, will let ya know when I land in the city, love you <3 _

Mickey looked at the text, the brightness of the screen burning his already sore eyes.

To Ian:

_ Have a good one, love you too *cherry emoji*  _

He didn't get anything back, figuring Ian had to turn his phone off. Mickey let his head fall to a pillow this time, striping off his jeans and pulling the blanket over himself. They would be going to brunch at 10:30, so he at least wanted to try and get a little sleep before whatever nightmare that would be.

*

“Mickey, this is Emma” Terry said, introducing a work friend's daughter to him, she seemed to be around his age. Mickey refrained himself from rolling his eyes. Of course his dad had set this all up just to try and get him with a girl. He shook her hand and took a seat at the table. 

He was sandwiched between Emma and Mandy, his dad on the other side of the table with his work buddy and his wife.

“So Mickey” Emma started, batting her brown eyes at him, “you go to school in Vermont right? I have always liked the countryside.”

“Yeah, mountains are nice” he said, looking over the menu.

“I’m gonna be going to NYU next year” Emma explained, and continued to say things Mickey did not pay attention to. He idly bit at his nails, willing this whole thing to be over already.

“Blueberry, good choice” Emma commented after Mickey had ordered his brunch, taking a sip of his second cup of coffee.

“M’ favorite” he said, giving Emma a quick glance. It made him think of his first date with Cherry. How he had gotten the biggest stack of blueberry pancakes, and how Cherry had stolen a bite right off his fork, and held his hand across the table.

He pulled his phone out than. Ian had texted him a couple hours ago saying he had landed, Mickey had not gotten a chance to msg back, and even though he should not be right now he could not resist, he needed him.

To Ian:

_ Glad you got there safe, miss you <3 _

He than shoved the phone back into his pocket before his dad could notice. Food arrived short after, and Emma continued to ask him questions about his life, to which he only gave one words answers and nods, she just didn't seem to understand that he was not interested. After he was done with his food, he turned to Mandy.

“Gonna go grab a smoke, wanna come?”

“I’ll go” Emma quickly chimed, pushing her seat back.

Mickey let out a breath, and Mandy gave him a knowing shrug.

“Whatever” he said, pushing back his seat as well and standing up.

The street was cold, and the New Jersey sky was as smoggy as ever. He missed the clear air of his school campus, the safety it gave him.

He pulled a cigarette and lighter out, putting it to his lips to lite it before offering Emma one.

“I don’t smoke” she said, lightly pushing his hand away.

“Why the fuck you come out here then?” he asked through a puff of smoke.

“So I could be alone with you, your dad sold you very well ya know.”

Mickey let out a sarcastic little laugh, he never thought he would hear those words, but yet again Terry always had an agenda and would say anything to get there.

“Why is that funny? You are handsome” Emma said, taking a step closer to him. 

“I’m a shitty boyfriend” he said, looking down at the snow dusted sidewalk. “And you are not my type.”

“I’m sure you are a fine boyfriend” she smiled, seeming uncomfortable with his comment, but she put a hand on his shoulder anyway.

He stepped away from her, shrugging it off, “not my type Emma, nothin personal.”

“Kinda seems personal, I don't think i'm ugly or anything” she shrugged, tapping the heel of her boot on the sidewalk.

“Your fine looking, just…” he took a breath, stomping out his cigarette and turned to look at her. “I’m seeing someone.”

“Your dad said-” she started, but Mickey cut her off.

“My dad doesn't know shit about my life, he hates my partner.” Mickey hated using the word ‘partner’ but he was not about to let Emma know he was gay.

“Oh, i’m sorry” Emma said, looking even more let down than before.

“Like i said, nothin personal” he felt bad, how did he always end up making people feel bad?

His phone dinged then, he pulled it out to see a text that made him smile, Ian always made him smile.

From Ian:

_ That’s cute Mick, miss you too. Really nice to see my family, they all say hey, wished you could have come visit with me.  _

Mickey wishes that too.

To Ian:

_ Glad you are at least having a good time, the shit here is a nightmare. _

He didn't want to distract Ian from his vacation, from his happiness of seeing family he liked, but Mickey could not get the thoughts out of his head that he was gonna have to go to that damn camp, and it was beyond terrifying.

From Ian:

_ That bad?  _

“That her?” Emma asked. Why was she still out here? Mickey thought. 

He nodded however, replying to Cherry.

To Ian:

_ Yeah, can tell you later, have a good time.  _

“Ian, interesting name for a girl ” Emma spoke, her eyes widening.

Mickey turned, why the fuck was she looking at his phone? what right did she have?

“Fucking rude to look at someone else messages” he informed her, fuming as he shoved his phone back in his pocket.

“So, gay huh?”

“What do you care?” he said, running a hand over his chilled face.

“Your dad don't like that you are gay?” Emma said, turning side to side to try and stay warm.

“He is not a fan, don’t say nothin? K? I’m not supposed to be still seeing him” Mickey let his voice get softer, it would not be good if his dad found out he was still in contact with Ian.

“I won't, i’m not a dick like that” she raised an eyebrow.

Mickey huffed with a small laugh.

They headed back inside, taking a seat at the table.

“That took a while” Terry said, a grimos on his face as he looked directly at Mickey.

“We were just getting to know each other in private” Emma spoke up, giving Mickey a quick wink.

“That so?” Terry said, eyeing them.

“Yeah, that's all” Mickey said, biting his lip.

Terry nodded, grabbing the check from the middle of the table.

*

Soon after arriving home Terry had to head to work, leaving Mickey and Mandy home alone, something they were both thankful for.

“Tell me about Ian” Mandy said, flipping through channels on the tv.  

“So you can just tell me not to freak out if we break up? No thanks.”

“Maybe because I want to get to know my brothers love interest” she snapped back, shooting him a glare.

He huffed, “I don't know...I love him, like a lot” Mickey said, ducking his head. “Hes all I think about.”

Mandy sighed, she loved her brother but worried about him getting hurt, or caught up to much with someone. Mickey did not handle situations like that with grace.

“Would love to meet him, even talk on Skype or somethin” she suggested, finally picking something to watch.

“Yeah” Mickey said, standing up, he should call Ian while he gets a chance. “I’m gonna go call him, while dad is out.”

“Alright, I will be here” Mandy said, giving him a small smile.

Mickey quickly made it to his room, locking the door and sitting on the edge of his bed as he hit call. It only took a couple rings and he could hear Ian’s voice on the other end, and other voices talking and laughing in the background as well.

“Yeah, yeah, it’s Mick” he heard Ian say, clearly not talking to him quite yet. It made Mickey mad, that Ian could so blatantly talk about him with his family, and not be afraid to even send a text.

“Hey” Mickey said, bringing his knees to his chest.

“Hey, so shit’s not going well, huh?” Ian said, his voice calm as the noise in the background faded.

“It’s a lot” Mickey confessed. He wanted to tell Ian about his dad saying they can’t see each other anymore, and about the camp, but at the same time he didn't want to ruin Ian’s vacation.

“Do tell, i’m listening” Ian said. He was afraid of what every Mickey was about to tell him, hoping at the least that it did not involve physical violence towards his boyfriend.

“Wants us to stop seeing each other” Mickey said, feeling overwhelmed even more now that he had said it out loud, his chest automatically rising and falling faster.

“Oh” Ian froze, he was not about to stop seeing Mickey if he could help it, the idea made him sick.

“Not gonna, not even thinking about it” Mickey quickly added at Ian’s silence, something that was uncommon for his boyfriend.

“Good” Ian chuckled, releasing a breath, “was worried for a second.”

“I could never, love you so much Ian, you keep me breathing” Mickey admitted, his head hurting from the anxiety and constant edge state his father kept him in.

“Love you too” Ian said in a soft tone.

“There is another thing” Mickey said after a moment, his anxiety rocketing once again; he could feel his whole body tense as he thought about the camp.

“Mick?” Ian said, he had waited for Mickey to tell him what the other thing was, but it had been a good minute and all he could hear was Mickey’s quick breath on the other end.

Mickey pressed his palm to his eye, trying to keep himself from crying, or going into complete panic mode.

“Sorry, hard to talk about” he said, his voice a mere whisper.

“Take your time, i’m here” Ian said. He wanted to hold his boyfriend, wrap his arms around him and keep him safe, but Mickey was a whole plane ride away.

“Sendin me to a conversion camp when school gets out” Mickey said, his voice hitching on the last word as he started to fade, the room beginning to spin as the words felt to real, to bad and scary. He could not breath, his throat tightening like it did when he had a panic attack, his heart beating a mile a minute as the room started crushing him, baring down and making him feel so small and lonely.

“Jesus” Ian said after a second, shock taking him over. “You can't, he can't make you.”

Mickey wanted to say more, but he could not breath, all he could do was fall backwards onto the bed, one hand clutching his chest as the other held the phone to his ear.

“Mickey, breath, deep breaths” Ian said. He could hear stifled wheezing coming from the other end, a sound he had become to accustomed to in the months knowing his boyfriend.

“Can’t” Mickey managed, dark spots coming into view as he struggled to inhale and exhale properly. His mind spinning with all the possible horrible stuff that could happen at that camp.

“You have to Mickey, you can” Ian said, trying to keep his voice calm even though he was freaking out. Mickey could not go to a camp like that. He had read about all the terrible things they did. And to add to it right now he was powerless in helping his boyfriend, Mickey was having a panic attack and he was not there.

“Can’t breath Cherry” Mickey said again through gasps, his whole body trembling.

“Breath with me Mickey” Ian said, forcing his tone to stay level. “In..out..in..out.”

Mickey took a shaky breath as Ian told him to, focusing on his boyfriend’s voice on the other end of the phone. “In..out..in..out” Ian continued.

Mickey closed his eyes, willing himself to inhale and exhale when Ian told him to. He told himself it was okay as he managed to follow Ian’s instructions, his panting evening out after a couple minutes as he came down from the overload of worry.

“I’m here Mick” Ian said after a couple minutes of silence, Ian could hear that Mickey’s breath had evened out.  

“I’m sorry” Mickey whimpered, his eyes closed as he held the phone to his ear.

“It’s okay, gonna figure it out together” Ian assured, a frown on his face anyway. He would do anything to insure his boyfriend did not go to that hell camp, no matter what it took. But still it was a scary thought.

“Thanks” Mickey said, his heart still pounding in his chest.

Ian heard a knock on his door than, putting his hand over the speaker as he turned to look at his brother entering the room.

“Ma wants you off the phone, it’s been like 30min” Lip told him, shrugging.

Ian nodded, “be right out.”

“You still there?” Ian said into the phone once Lip had left.

“Yeah, I miss you” Mickey said, his eyes closed as he pictured his Cherry next to him.

“What ya doin for the rest of the day?” Ian asked.

“Dad is at work until 6:30, so Mads and I are just hanging at the house, gonna probably make dinner before he gets home though, likes it to be ready.”

“You never cook for me” Ian giggled a little, trying to lighten Mickey’s mood before he had to hang up.

“Don’t really have a kitchen in my dorm room” Mickey said, rolling his eyes. 

“Well when we get our own place next year you can cook for me, make me somethin good.”

“Is that so?”

“Mhmm” Ian smiled. He pictured all the nights himself and Mickey would eat naked on their couch together, it would be the dream life.

“Mandy does the real cooking, I just wash dishes and cut the onion” Mickey told the redhead, smiling anyways. He would cook anything Ian asked for, his boyfriend deserved it.

“Well we will have a lovely diced onion on our very clean plates then” Ian laughed.

Mickey let himself laugh, the feeling good.

“Sounds like a plan than” Ian smiled, he loved Mickey’s laugh, even when it was a little forced.

“Listen Mick, I gotta go, if you are gonna be okay” Ian said, he wanted to stay on the phone with Mickey until he was back in his arms, but family called.

“Yeah, go ahead” Mickey said nodding, he would miss talking to Ian, but getting the things his father had said off his chest helped, he was no longer alone with the information. 

“K, call me if you need, will have my ringer on high” Ian said, he wanted to be there as much as he could.

“Love you, say hi to everyone for me” Mickey said, forcing his voice to perk up a little.

“Love you too” and with that Ian ended the call.

“Everything okay?” Ian’s mother asked him as he made his way back into the living room where everyone was gathered.  Ian was angry and exhausted, he wanted to kill Mickey’s father. And keeping Mickey calm on the phone was exhausting.

Ian shrugged, it was not okay but he didn't want to get into it with all his family around.

“Well i’m just finishing up the cherry pie, if you wanna come help?” his mother said, walking in the direction of the kitchen..of course it was cherry pie. But Ian was glad that his adoptive mother got those little hints.

Ian went over to the sink, starting to wash the dirty baking utensils as his mother dried them.

“So, talkin to Mickey?” His mother said, giving him a loving smile.

“Yeah, his home life is really shitty” Ian said. He had told his family about Mickey, and mentioned briefly that he had some issues similar to Ian’s bipolar, but that was as much as he had shared, not wanting to break Mick confidentiality.

“How so?” she asked, resting a hand on her son’s shoulder.

“Dad is prick, very homophobic” Ian said, leaving out the plethora of abuse.

“That's hard, you know he could have come here for the holiday, would love to have him anytime, Ian” she said. Ian could not think of a more kind person than his adoptive mother. Hell she had adopted 3 kids from the south side.

“I offered, his dad wanted him home” Ian said, scrubbing a spoon.

“His mom?” she asked, brown eyes looking up at him.

“She died, when he was little, I don't know how” Ian said. It was always something he wanted to ask his boyfriend, like so many other things, but he knew it would be to hard for Mickey to talk about.

She nodded, “you are so kind, make sure you are taking care of yourself too.” She knew her son was stable, taking his meds and going to counseling, but a mother always worried, things had been very hard for Ian most of his life.

“I know mom, I am, i’m good” he said, setting the last dish in the drying rack.

“You think you love him?” she asked, leaning against the counter as Ian did the same.

“I know I do, said it awhile ago” he said, cheeks flushing slightly just from the mention of his love for Mickey.

“And him?” she asked back.

“He said it first, actually.” It made Ian smile, remembering that wonderful night on the dance floor.

“Well it sounds like you are the best boyfriend, just take care of yourself for me.” She wrapped her arms around him, Ian towering over her as he did the same.

“Wanna know something funny about cherries?” he asked as they made their way back to the bustling living room.

“Cherries are funny? Just thought they were delicious” his dad said, feverishly trying to beat Lip in a GTA V race.

“Well kinda” Ian said. He never wanted his adoptive dad to say cherries were delicious every again, considering that was Mickey’s primary nickname for him. “But please never say that again.”

His dad laughed, DNFing anyways, “why?”

“It’s awkward now” Ian said, taking the remote from his dad, he knew he could beat Lips ass.

“Cherries? I wanna know” Fiona chimed in.

“Just Mick’s favorite nickname for me” Ian said, blushing at the silly confession.

“How fucking gay” Lip chuckled elbowing his winning brother playfully.

“Hey, its cute” his mother said, sitting in the arm of the couch.

His dad only laughed again, cheering as Lip lost.


	19. Merry Christmas, I guess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s weird writing about Christmas in May. Also i’m sorry if Mickey is turning into a more dramatic and depressed version of myself...oops.

It was Christmas morning and Mickey was sitting next to his brothers and sisters as they passed presents out to each other. Both Mickey and Ian had spend a whole day shopping for Christmas presents to give their family, and Mickey thought he had done a good job considering. In addition Mickey had gone out one day without Ian to pick his boyfriend up a gift he would give when they came back from break. 

It was actually kind of fun to watch his siblings open each other gifts. Mickey receiving the nicest thing from Mandy of course. It was a leather bound journal, and hand carved wooden pen. She knew how much Mickey liked to write, and the gift was beyond thoughtful. His brothers had gotten him gift cards, or gag t-shirts, but that was okay, it made him remember some of the good times back home. 

On the other hand his father had gotten him nothing, he had given the other Milkovich children a nice piece of jewelry. Mickey knew he was his father's least favorite, he always got the worst of everything, but to be so bluntest about his disgust made Mickey hate him even more. So as his siblings put on new watches, and Mandy a necklace he just fiddled with the sleeve of his sweater, waiting until he could go back to his room. 

“Thanks so much Mads, this means a lot” Mickey told his sister after all the wrapping paper had been cleaned up and it was just him and her in the kitchen, everyone else still in the living room watching a game. 

“Of course” she smiled, wrapping him in a hug “i miss when we were close.” 

Mickey closed his eyes, embracing his sister. She was not a bad person, he knew that. She had stood up for him more than anyone else, had been by his side through everything.. Yet he had pushed her away, not that his reasoning was not strong. She had outed him, admitted him, made his already hard life worse. Even if that was not her intention. 

“I can’t, i’m sorry” he said, backing away slightly, “thank you for the gift.”

She gave him a sad look, shaking her head as she made her way back to the rest of the family. Mickey took a deep breath and joined them. Iggy’s girlfriend, as well as family friends had arrived at this point, everyone focused on the football game Mickey could care less about, he just wanted to go back to Vermont, go back to his life with Cherry and at school. And soon after that everyone was sitting around the table, enjoying Christmas dinner. 

That night Mickey did not say a word, utter a sounds. And it seemed like no one noticed, no one even blinked in his direction, but he was okay with that, it was better than the alternative. He ate his dinner, helped clean up, and made it to the safety of his room by 8:30pm.

His night did get even better however when Ian called him at about 10:00pm. 

“Merry Christmas” Ian exclaimed on the other end of the phone. 

Hearing his boyfriend's voice immediately brought a smile to his face, the first smile of the whole damn night. “Merry Christmas Ian.” 

“Get anything good?” Ian asked, looking down at the brand new Kindle his parents had gotten him. 

“Mandy gave me a very nice leather notebook and wooden pen, she said they are both handmade.” Mickey told him. He had been journaling and doodling in it since he made it to his room, only putting it down now to talk to Ian. The paper was thick and expensive, and the pen flowed magnificently. 

“That's thoughtful, you are always scribbling” Ian smiled, thinking of Mickey curled in a pile of blankets noting about whatever. Ian never asked and Mickey never showed him, but it seemed to be therapeutic for the brunette, so he didn’t interfere. 

“Yeah,” Mickey reflected, feeling kinda bad that he had pushed her away again tonight. “What about you?”

“Got a Kindle, so all my textbooks are digital,” Ian said.

Mickey scrunched his nose. He hated how heavy the damn things were, but there was something about physical paper he liked that could not be replicated. But he was happy for Ian, his boyfriend loves to read. 

“That's awesome, books are heavy” Mickey said. 

Ian nodded even though Mick could not see him, he was kind of afraid to ask his next question, but it needed to be done. “How’s everything else goin? Your dad and stuff?” 

Mickey instinctively started biting at his nails, an immediate response to any kind of stress, even though nothing more had really happened, he just hated talking about anything that had to do with hard times. 

“Dad didn't get me anything... And normal slurs, but nothing more, just keeping my mouth shut for the most part,” Mickey confessed, laying back on his bed. 

“He didn't get you a gift?” Ian asked, shocked, that was beyond rude. He could not imagine not getting a plethora of things from his parents. Maybe his biological ones, but not the ones he called mom and dad.

“Yeah, it’s okay” Mickey said, closing his eyes. Ian’s voice made him feel safe. 

“Did he get stuff for other people?” 

“Mhmm, got my brothers each a watch, and a necklace for Mandy.”

“I’m sorry Mick, that sucks, not right.” It made Ian mad. He wanted to punch Terry in the face just for that, not to mention everything else. He better never meet the guy or he is going to definitely kill him. 

“I just wanna go back to school, back to our life” Mickey said with a sigh, he wanted to forget this whole damn holiday. 

Ian hummed, although he was having a wonderful Holiday, and he didn't miss homework, but he did miss Mickey. 

“Well, next Christmas you are gonna be here, and i’m gonna kiss you under the mistletoe” Ian stated matter-o-factly. He had watched his older sister and fiance do it, and only thought of Mickey. 

“That so?” Mickey said with a small chuckle, he would like that very much. 

“Mhmm, and gonna do more than kiss ya too.” Ian smirked, he had been horny since he fell into bed a half hour ago. And well every time he let his mind wander to a picture of his naked boyfriend; which was kinda often. 

“Not under the mistletoe, that shit is normally in public” Mickey guests, he knew what Ian meant, but he liked to tease. 

“Shut up. I mean in my bed, its a queen, so lots of room.” Sex in a twin bed had gotten pretty lame, though he was not complaining. 

“Gonna spread me out?” Mickey said, lowering his voice to a whisper.

Ian closed his eyes, letting his hand wander down under his boxers to where he is already hard. 

“What would you wanna do?” Ian prompted, slowly stroking himself. 

“You wanna fuck me over the phone gingersnap?” Mickey asked, his voice low as he let his hand wonder to his dick, stroking himself to hardness. It was a bad idea, his door was locked but he knew he was one to be loud. But right now he needed to feel good, and this was it. 

“Mhmm, gonna describe just how I wanna fuck you, make you moan for me Mick.”

Mickey let out the slightest of whimpers, he knew how much his moaning turned Ian on. 

“What you wanna do?” Ian asked again, his head falling back as he fully started to jerk off. 

Mickey licked his lips, thinking about it for a second “wanna suck you,” he decided on, Ian deserved it and fuck if he did not taste amazing. 

“Want my cock in your mouth? Down your throat?” Ian smirked. Fuck did that sounds good right now. 

Mickey made another low and quit moaning sound. 

“Shit, you touching yourself for me? I want you to touch yourself” Ian moaned, looking down to see his hand moving on his dick. 

“Yes, feels good” Mickey said, a whisper into the phone. His hand moving faster on himself now. 

Ian let out a louder moan now, not caring if he was heard, it felt good and that's all that mattered to the redhead. “How you gonna suck me Mick? describe it for me.” 

Mickey took in a sharp inhale, and an even longer exhale as pleasure washed over him. “Would lick you real fucking good, get you all wet.” moan “play with your balls as I took you as far as I could” gasp “swirling my tongue around the head.” 

“So good” Ian moaned, surprised how turned on just dirty talk was making him. “You want me to fuck you? I know how much you love my cock filling you up, making you feel so good.” 

“Yes Cherry, fuck me please... i’m so hard, fuck.” Mickey had not jerked off once over the vacation, and thus he was ready to burst already, keeping himself on the edge with light pointed touches. 

“Gonna fill you up, make you moan my name..fuck love that nickname Mickey.” 

“Cherry, i’m gonna cum if you keep talkin like that” Mickey warned, using the nickname because of Ian’s words. 

“Yeah” Ian teased. “Gonna fuck you so hard, but so sweet, worship your ass.” 

“Ian, I want you in me so bad.” It was true, Mickey would die for Ian’s cock, it was addictive and he would always come back for more. 

“Cum for me Mick, think of me fucking you, making you moan and shake, stroking your dick to make you feel good all over.” It was one of Ian’s favorite things. Even when Mickey was depressed or in a mood, he could always make him feel good physically, always pleasure him like no one else. 

Mickey let out a shaky moan as he let his hand move fast and hard, jerking himself a dozen more times before coming into his hand and boxers, his back arching as he let it all out. 

“Good, so good” Ian cooed, stroking himself roughly to follow suite. He loved hearing Mickey climax. His breath had quickened and become airy, and the fucking whimpers dorve Ian crazy. It was enough to send him over the edge of pleasure, covering his whole chest as he finished with a fuck. 

Both boys just breathed heavy into the phone as the came down from their high, bodies now lax and tired. 

“Who knew phone sex could be that good” Ian laughed, cleaning off his chest “kinda got everywhere, haha.”  
“Didn't have my ass to catch it all” Mickey chuckled back.

“Fuck off, you love it.” 

“So?”

“So shut up,” Ian laughed again. 

“Jesus, have not cum all damn week, almost better after some time” Mickey noted, looking at the heap of jizz as he stripped off his soaked boxers and put on a clean pair. 

“You telling me not to fuck you everyday? Cuz I don't know if I can do that.”

“We don’t everyday” Mickey said, rolling his eyes. 

“Pretty much, or at least a handy” Ian said, laying down in bed and switching off the light, it was bedtime. 

“Whatever Cherry” Mickey said, sarcastic. 

“Love you” Ian sing songed. 

“Love you too, miss you so much.” 

“Only 4 more days” Ian commented, he would miss his family, but he missed Mickey more. 

“Can’t fucking wait.” 

The boys chatted a bit more. Mostly just listening to each others breaths as they became dozy, getting off the phone just before they fell asleep. Mickey had honestly not slept so sounds all week, this might have to be a nightly thing until they are back together.


	20. Put Em’ Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter features physical abuse to Mickey from his father, I have put in a warning so you can skip it if you like. I have put in a note saying **End** when the fight is over. Additionally there is a lot of blood in this chapter.

Mickey would be leaving tomorrow morning and he could not wait. He was so giddy and ready to see Cherry, he was getting in tonight.

He was sitting eating with Mandy and his father, a stack of pancakes in front of them. His dad had kept asking him about Emma, if they were going to stay in touch. Mickey just shrugged, saying she was okay. Truthfully he wanted nothing to do that that annoying girl, but he had to please his father for the sake of his wellbeing. 

“Any interesting girls around campus? Do you go out Mickey?” his father asked him after commenting on the pretty girl on the cover of the magazine he was reading. “Nice tits too” he added, pointing at the skinny blond girl on the cover again. 

He watched Mandy cringe out of the corner of his eye, and just shrugged again. 

“Come on man, gotta take some interest” his father said, patting him too hard on the back. 

Mickey’s mind raced, girls, girls. Girls at school who he liked and talked to, and who would pretend to be his girlfriend...well he only knew one girl, but he was pretty sure Claire would be up for it. 

“There is one, Claire, she is nice, funny” Mickey said, both statements true. 

“Good tits?” his father asked nonchalant. Mickey cringed and took in a small breath. He had never paid attention to that. He had only ever looking at her face, deep brown eyes, wavy dark brown hair...She was pretty, but in no way was he attracted to her, he could never be. 

“I guess, never really noticed,” he paused, he needed to say more “she has nice eyes” he added, terrified he would say the wrong thing.

His dad huffed, picking up the beer bottle that was now empty. In one quick motion he brought it over his head and slammed it down onto the kitchen tile, the shrill sounds of glass breaking filled the air as pieces of the green bottle scattered across the floor. Both him and Mandy jerked than stilled, looking down at the broken bottle, afraid to move or say anything. 

“Well fucking pick it up!” his dad shouted, throwing his arms up in the air. 

Both Mickey and Mandy stood quickly, Mandy going to fetch the dustpan and broom. 

“Not you” Terry spoke again, pointing to Mandy, “sit the fuck down.” 

It always surprised Mickey how fast his father could shift, shift from being just an asshole to being a nightmare, it was so fast and he rarely knew what caused it. This time he figured it was his lack of personal interest in Claire, in girls. He knew he should have tried harder, tried harder to care about it, to make it work just to have a front...but he couldn't. Especially after being at school. Vermont, and especially his university campus was a proud place to be gay. Half the people there were queer and constant rainbow flags flew high. It made him nervous at first, but he had quickly opened up to it. Not necessarily being outwardly gay, but not hiding it by any means...and damn if it did not feel good. It was so amazing to be out, be happy with the fact of who you like. And Ian, he just made it even better. Mickey didn't care if they kissed in public or held hands, he loved it and no one there seemed to give a shit. So maybe, just maybe he had forgotten, his time in an open community had made him soft, taken his guards down. And now this, this was his punishment, just waiting until the very end.

Mickey dropped down to his knees, carefully piling up the bigger pieces of glass, he would need to sweep to get the small ones. But it was hard, his hands were shaking and he kept dropping pieces again. 

His dad stood than towering over him, Mandy just looking at him out the corner of her eye, a scared look on her pale face. 

**Warning:**

“The fucks wrong with you?” Terry said, bringing his foot back before swiftly kicking Mickey in the ribs, causing him to topple to the side, all his breath leaving him as he cradled into a ball. And than another kick came, his father's boot digging hard into his side again. Mickey writhed on the floor, his palm getting cut by a piece of glass as he tried to balance himself to stand up, but another kick had come to his stomach, causing him to lose balance and fall back down, the glass piece digging itself further into his skin. 

He could feel his eyes well, not only because of the pain but because of this, this familiar display his father was putting on. The one he wanted to forget but was always there, in the back of his head tormenting him, and now it was coming to life once again. 

“Stand the fuck up faggit, gotta fight back.” Terry wiped a hand across his nose “fucking pussy of a disgraceful son.” 

Mickey stood, shaky. His legs felt like they could not hold him but he willed it, and his side, it felt like someone had stabbed him. But he stood, facing his father, blood dripping from his slit hand. 

“Gonna just fucking stand there? Punch me!” his dad taunted, raising his fists. 

Mickey took on a breath, balling his hands as he swung a right hook at Terry’s jaw. He clipped him slightly, but his father had moved, and now he was swinging, really swinging, the punch hitting Mickey directly in the eye, a loud cracking sounds exploding as Terry’s first ment Mickey’s face. Mickey fell back again, this time catching himself on the counter before he could hit the floor. 

A loud sheek came from Mandy’s lips as she stood, the chair toppling to the ground. It was just enough of a distracted for Mickey to charge forward, shoving his dad in the chest before swinging for his face again, this one connecting with the guy's nose. 

“That’s right, fight like a fuckin man!” Terry shouted, cupping his nose as blood flowed from it. Mickey was huffing, he could not see out of one eye, and he could feel the warmth of blood running down the side of his face. He fell backwards again, leaning against the counter. 

“Fight me!” Terry shouted again, stepping forward, getting right up in Mickey’s face as he raised his fists again. 

Mickey just looked at him, right in the eye, blood pooling down Terry’s face and soaking his shirt and the floor. “No!” Mickey shouted back, he knew what his dad was doing, trying to rile him up, this was not the first time. He would not be that person, not again, not anymore, not after Cherry. 

Terry gritted his teeth and raised his fist, and then it seemed like it was all in slow motion. Mickey closed his eyes as he felt the punch to his eye again, he tried to reach out, tried to hold himself up but couldn't. He fell to the floor, slipping and toppling down as a kick came to his side, than another to his stomach, and lastly one more punch to the face. 

**End**

He heard his dad swearing and shouting, Mandy crying and screaming, but it was all just high pitched static, dark spots filling his eyes as he tried to blink, tried to stay awake. But then he was being dragged down, dragged down by the same monsters in his dreams, the ones that tormented him, made him terrified. The poor women, the poor innocent women with long dark hair screaming into the dark, being torn up, limb by limb. And there he was watching, mouth open in a soundless scream, hands reaching out, but she was so far away, to far away. Than it was all dark, until he woke up. 

He was lying on the kitchen floor still, Mandy hover over him dabbing at his forehead with a towel, he brought his hand up, taking her wrist. 

“How-” he started, his head felt like a thousand sledgehammers and his body felt like cinderblocks. 

“Maybe a minute, not long,” Mads said, helping him sit up, leaning his back to the bottom cabinets. “He left.” 

Mickey picked up his hand, the cut one. There was a piece of beer bottle judging out, and blood continued to flow down his arm and onto the floor from it. “Shit” he said. 

“Here” Mandy said, handing him a fresh towel. He pressed it to his palm, it stung but he needed it to stop bleeding. 

“There is glass in it, will need to be pulled out” he said, wincing as he pulled the towel away to look at it again. 

“I can do it” Mandy said, standing “be right back, don’t move.” 

He tilted his head back and closed the eye that was not swollen shut. He just felt so tired, so damn tired, he wanted to crawl into the darkest corner and never move, never speak or see or hear anyone. Everything hurt and he wanted it to stop, he didn't want this to be his life anymore. The nightmares, the eggshells, the no gifts, no appreciation. He wanted a life without this, needed a life without this, maybe no life at all. 

Mandy came back with a full first aid kit, it was not the first time she had tended to Mickey’s wounds. 

Mickey held out his hand for her, she shuffled around in the first aid box before pulling out a pair of tweezers. “Gonna hurt like a bitch” Mandy told him, holding his hand gingerly. 

“Already does, just get it over with” Mickey responded. He closed his eyes and clenched his teeth, preparing his body. 

Mandy leaned down, putting her face close to her brothers palm as her eyes found the small piece of green glass sticking out. She carefully placed the tweezers on it and pulled up, the glass sliding out of Mickey’s palms as more blood danced around the cut. 

Mickey swore under his breath, placing the towel back over the cut before looking up at Mandy again. 

“Thanks” he said, pressing the towel down hard even though it hurt, if it did not stop bleeding soon he would need stitches, and there was no way he was going back into any hospital.

“Just above your eye, there's a cut, not as bad as this one” she gestures towards his hand. “But should clean it, and your eye.”

She stood, grabbing some paper towels and wetting them, she crouched back down and wiped the blood off Mickey’s face and neck, being careful around the worst parts. 

After doing what she could with water she dabbed at the cut with some antibacterial shit, it stung but he just clenched his teeth. She put a butterfly bandage over it and deemed it treated, enough at least. 

“How's the hand?” She asked, looking down at the blood soaked towel. “Looked really deep Mick.”

It was, he could feel it, the loss was making him lightheaded but he would not admit that, he couldn't. 

“Will be fine” he said, trying to stand, he wanted clean clothes and to sleep. 

“Wow, wow” Mandy said, quickly jumping to his side as he stood. 

“Need to wash off and lay down.” He tried to take a step, but his feet felt to wobbly. 

“You need to get your hand stitched Mick, it's bad.” Mandy said, worry all over her face as he looked down at the slow drip of red falling to the floor. 

Mickey raised that arm, putting his hurt hand above his head, that would slow it down..hopefully. 

“S’ fine, help me to the bathroom.” 

She did, setting Mickey down on the toilet, his arm still above his head, as heavy as it felt. 

“Let me look, maybe I can glue it,” Mandy says, reaching for his palm. 

Mickey lets her look, it hurts like hell but seems to be clotting. She turns his palm slightly and frowns. “Really think you should get stitches, and pain meds.” 

Mickey sighs, he just wants to sleep, sleep and never wake up. “Think i’m just gonna go lay down, it’s okay Mads.”

She looked concerned, but wrapped his hand up again, tighter this time and helps him to his room. 

Mickey falls into bed, it all hurts but it felt good to lay down, helped the room stop spinning some. 

“Gonna wake you in 30 minutes, leave the door unlocked” Mandy said, pulling the blankets around her brother. 

“Just let me sleep Mads” he grumbled, burying his head deeper into the pillows. 

“Not if you have a concussion, will get you some ice.”

Mickey sighs, closing his eyes. He didn't even know he had drifted off until cold hits the side of his face. He opens his eyes and tries to raise up but Mandy puts a soft hand on his shoulder, easing him down. 

“Help with the swelling and pain” she said, pressing the ice pack a little harder to his temple. 

“Thanks” he murmurs, taking it from her and resting back down, this time on his back. “Thanks Mads, really.” He swallows hard and can feel his eyes, or more like the one that is not swollen shut start to gloss over. He blinks, willing it to go away, but it only causes the first tear to fall. 

“I'm sorry” he practically whispers. He can feel his whole body fill with emotions. The adrenaline completely gone leaving him filled with pure pain. 

“I'm sorry” he whispers again, the tears falling more freely now as he knows there is no point in fighting them, once they start it is useless. 

“Shhh, I forgive you” Mandy said softly, brushing his hair back. “You know I forgive you, just want you to be okay.” 

“But what about you?” Mickey said. He knows Mandy never had it easy either. She would be tormented just like him, but yet she had seemed to keep it together so much better. 

“I'm okay Mick, it only happened a couple times.” She pauses, taking a breath and blinking. “You, it was almost every day.” 

Mickey closes his eyes and lets himself feel his sister's general fingers in his hair. Was it that often? He didn't think so, had he really gotten that used to it? He opens his eyes again to look at Mandy. “Will you call Ian? Tell him?” 

Mickey does not think he can do it, he does not have the strength right now, maybe ever. At least it feels like that. But Ian needs to know, needs to be prepared. He will be seeing him tomorrow and there is no hiding his jacked up face and body. 

“Yeah, yeah.” Mandy nods. “Anything specific you want me to say? Or just...you know?” 

“Tell him I'm okay, I'm excited to see him tomorrow.” 

“Course” Mandy smiles, reaching for Mickey's phone on the night stand and standing up. 

“Thanks” Mickey says, giving his sister a small smile as she finds Ian's contact and hits ‘call.’ 

It does not take long and Ian is picking up, Mandy tries to speak first, let Ian know this is not Mickey calling but the ginger beats her to it. 

“Hey handsome, been thinkin about the other night all day.” Ian is happy Mickey called, he had just gotten back to school early this morning and was beyond excited to see Mick. He was sitting in his small bed, and his sheets smelled of Mickey. 

“This is Mandy actually, Mickey's sister” she says tentatively, cringing a little at whatever happend the other night. 

“Oh” Ian's smile immediately drops and worry takes him over. 

“Yeah...um.” She has never talked directly to Ian before, and now? Now she is calling to tell him Mickey is all jacked up. 

“Is Mickey okay?” Ian asks. She can hear the panic in his voice. 

“Um, yeah, he is okay.” She looks down at Mickey, his eyes are closed but she knows he is listening. His face is so red, so purple, so swollen. 

“He just wanted you to know.” She takes a breath. “He does not look so good and he wanted you to be prepared, not surprised when you see him.” 

“What? What happened? Is he okay? Can I talk to him?” Ian can feel his heart racing, he needs to talk to Mickey now, hear him, see him. 

“He is beat up, but okay. resting now.” Mandy said, trying to keep calm for everyone's sake. 

“What? What happened?” Ian said. He knows what happened but he can't bring himself to say it. How could anyone, let alone a father do that.

“Terry” Mandy starts. She can visibly see Mickey stiffen. “Mick got a good punch in though, busted his nose pretty good” she adds it to try and help, but knows it doesn't. 

“How, how could he do that? Did he need medical care? What, what..” Ian feels lost. He feels like he is as supposed to stop this, but he failed somehow. He told Mickey he would keep him safe, but he failed. 

“I patched him up, tried to get him to go.” She pauses as Mickey opens his eye. “He cut his hand on some broken glass, think it should get stitched, but he is stubborn.” 

Mickey let's out a small huff. His hand had stopped bleeding. 

“Get him to go!” Ian says quickly. He would make him go. If he is hurt bad. 

“You know Mick, he does not do what he doesn't want to.” Mandy said even though her brother gives her a dirty look. 

“Well…” Ian's head is spinning. “Can I talk to him?” 

“Think he just wants to rest right now, he is excited to see you tomorrow though. “ Mandy said. Mickey made it clear that he didn't want to relay this. 

“Please? I need to know he is okay, from him.” Ian said, he sounds desperate. 

“Mickey” Mandy asked covering the speaker of the phone “he really wants to talk to you.” 

Mickey shakes his head no, he can't talk to Ian right now. It would only cause him to sob. 

“He just wants to hear your voice, make sure you are alright.” Mandy adds. She knows the panic Ian is feeling. She has felt it so many times with her brother. 

“Just for a second” Mickey said reluctantly, reaching his hand out for the phone. Mandy gives him a small smile. 

“He can only talk for a second” she tells Ian, handing her brother the phone. 

“Hi” Mickey whispers into the phone, tears dripping down his cheek. 

“Oh Mick” Ian said. Mickey could hear his voice wavering and heavy. “I’m gonna fucking kill him” Ian said, he can feel his eyes glossing over. 

“It’s okay Ian, i’m, i’m alright” Mickey breathed out, the tears falling harder now, like he knew they would. He hated that Ian had to deal with this, deal with him like this. 

“Mandy” Ian started, sucking back the tears as much as he could “she says you need to get stitches.” Ian would try and convince his boyfriend, he knew he had a better shot than Mandy, but he only wished he could be there, hold Mickey tight. 

Mickey took in a shaky breath, his whole body was aching and he needed to sleep. He needed to try and forget. “S’ okay, stopped bleeding.” 

“Mick, if you need-” Ian started when he was cut off. 

“Its fuckin fine, just need to get some sleep.” 

“I just want to make sure you are alright, I care about you” Ian said. He didn't know what to do, he was not there and Mickey was not listening and he was crying. He felt so lost right then, helpless. 

“Look” Mickey said, closing his good eye. “I will see you tomorrow Ian, i’m good.. just need to sleep.” 

Ian shook his head and sniffled into the phone, putting a hand over his eyes. “Okay.”

“Good, I love you, i’m sorry.” 

“Don't be sorry, it’s not your fault.”

“I’m just…” Mickey started before stopping himself from going there. “I'll see you tomorrow.”

Ian was gonna ask what Mickey was gonna say before he thought better of it. “I love you too.”  
Mickey hung up the phone, setting it on the nightstand before turning over. 

“So, no stitches then?” Mandy said tentatively. 

“No fuckin hospital.” 

“Okay…” Mandy said with a frown. “Let me know if I can get you anything.”

Mickey grunted and murmured “thanks.” Mandy exiting the room to go clean up the disaster that was their kitchen.


	21. Don't Want To Be Alone

Ian tried to hang out with some friends who had also gotten back from winter break. But he could not get his mind off his hurt boyfriend. He was so angry. Angry that someone could do that, angry that Mickey had to go through that again. He was also sad about it however, and worried. He knew before break Mickey was already fragile, and that the smallest things could set him off. Now however a big thing had happened, and he was worried about the boy that would be coming back to him tomorrow. How broken he would be and if Ian would be able to piece him back together. 

Additionally, he didn't sleep that night. His roommate was yet to get back and the room felt surprisingly lonely. Normally he relished having the small dorm to himself, or more specifically to Mickey and himself. But tonight the silence and the dark room was too much. He tossed and turned, letting his mind wonder to what Mickey might look like. It made him think of the times he would get into fights, his own face cut open. It made him shiver. He was stable now, but still everyday he was reminded of his mental illness. He would have times when things just repeated itself over and over and over again in his head. Or times when he would feel overly angry for no reason. Or times when little things would trigger him back in time to a manic episode. 

He like Mickey hated hospital, they reminded him of the bad times even though they had helped him in the long run. He was happy now however that his treatment was being fulfilled through a small practice in a cozy building that felt way more like a house than a medical facility. He would go to his therapy appoints every 3 weeks, take his pills 2 times a day and he was good, happy and healthy. He wanted the same for Mickey, wanted him to know he could feel better. But even bringing it up in the slightest would freak his boyfriend out, so it always seemed to slip by. He knew however that Mickey could not be made to get help, he would have to find it on his own. Ian was scared about what could happen to push him so far down that he finally searched out for it. In the meantime however Ian was gonna do the best he could, he knew he made Mickey happy, and he wanted to keep that up. 

These were the kind of thoughts that trailed through his ginger head as the hours passed by that night, the sun setting, mooning rising than falling, only to have the sun come up again. Little dabbles of sleep ever so often, but nothing sound. 

He got a text that morning saying Mickey had left and was heading back to school. Ian wondered what shape he was in to be able to drive, but knew Mickey could not stay another day at his father's house. 

Mickey arrived back at school around 3:00pm, his head and body were still killing him, and many times throughout the drive he thought of how easy it would be to just drive off the road. Just hit the gas and crash. It was tempting, so tempting. But he hold himself Cherry was waiting for him, told himself that Ian and Mandy would miss him, that they would not want him to do that. But even than it was hard to resist. 

As he reached his dorm, parking in the permitted lot he flipped down the visor and looked at himself. He looked as bad as ever. The whole right side of his face was green and purple. His eye was still extremely swollen and he could barely see out of it. The cut on that eyebrow was crusted over and had fucked up his eyebrow. He huffed, he didn't want to face Ian, face anyone looking like this. He rested his head on the steering wheel, taking a couple deep breaths before turning off the car and stepping out. 

He told Cherry he would go to his dorm when he got back, Ian had promised he would be there for the day. So as Mickey made his way up the stairs, and down the hall to Ian’s dorm it was the hardest walk to that room ever. Every student he passed seem to frown when they saw him, their eyebrows knitting together with disgust and horror as his appearance. He realized that this could just be his perspective, no one really cared. But it felt like everyone was looking at him and judging him. Telling him he should just die already so they would not ever have to look at him again. 

He gave the door a quick knock, it opened a moment later with Ian’s roommate Rick looking at him. 

“What the fuck happend to your face? Are you okay?” Rick quickly said, letting Mickey in. 

Mickey just looked away from him, noticing Ian was not in here. “Where is Ian?” He asked, taking a seat on his boyfriend's bed. 

“He just went to the bathroom, should be right back” Rick said taking a seat in the wheely chair. “Are you okay? Get in a fight?” 

“Somthin like that” Mickey said laying down and closing his eyes. He still felt like he needed to rest, the drive had taken a lot out of him and the room was spinning. 

He heard the door open a minuet later, opening his eyes and sitting up to see his favorite redhead coming into the room. 

Ian’s face immediately dropped as he saw Mickey. The dark haired boy watched as Ian tried to correct the look, giving him a soft smile, but he didn't miss the horror that fell over Ian’s freckled face. Ian quickly made his way over to Mickey, wrapping his arms around him in a tight hug. Mickey did the same, burying his head into the softer fabric of Ian’s hoodie. He let the comforting and familiar feeling and smell wash over him. It made him lightheaded, but in a good way. 

“I’m so sorry” Ian said into Mick’s dark hair. 

Mickey just shook his head, he knew if he tried to talk it would only be tears. It seemed like everything had been tears lately. 

After a moment Ian back away to lightly put his hands on either side of Mickey’s face. He took in the whole picture. Mickey was a swollen bruised mess, half his face almost distorted. It brought a sick feeling to Ian, to see him so hurt. It made him want to scream. Mickey looked away from him however, staring down into his lap. 

“Oh Mick” Ian said, his eyes searching. 

Mickey wanted to say something, but he didn't know what. It was good seeing Ian, made him a bit lighter, but he just felt so tired.

“Drive was long, wanna sleep” Mickey mumbled resting his head on Ian’s shoulder. “Hope that's okay.” 

“Yes, of course” Ian said quickly, gently stroking Mickey’s hair. 

Mickey made a small grunt, his full weight resting forward on Ian. 

“You wanna go to your room, or here?” Ian asked softly, not quite sure what the right move was. Mickey seemed so off and it hurt Ian to his core. 

“Don't wanna be alone” Mickey said. Ian could feel wetness on his shoulder, he knew Mickey was crying softly. 

The truth was Mickey was scared to be alone. He had been alone all day in the car, and the temptations to drive off the road just kept coming in waves. And right now the temptation to hurt himself was running marathons in his head. He wanted to tell Ian he wanted to be by himself. Tell him he would be fine. But he knew that would be a lie. If he got the chance right now to be alone, he was unsure of what he would do, but he knew it would not be good. So with reluctance he made himself stay with Ian. 

“I’m here Mick, right here” Ian said, rubbing soothing circles on his back. “Why don't we go to your room, get you some comfy clothes and lay down.” Ian took a deep breath. “Sound good?”   
Mickey nodded. He swayed forward some as Ian stood up, but didn't fall. He stood up, he felt so heavy, so tired, so alone. But he followed Ian back to his own dorm, plopping down on the bed the second he got a chance. He watched as Ian rummaged through his drawer and pulled out a pair of sweatpants, and a cotton night shirt. 

“I don’t want you to see” Mickey said as Ian set the clothes down next to Mickey. His body was just as bad as his face. There were big bruises all over his sides and stomach, and in at least two places you could see a clear indent of the toe of his dad’s boot. 

“All, alright.” Ian said, unsure, his face solemn as he turned around, facing the opposite bed. Mickey changed, then told cherry he was done. They both got under the blankets together, Mickey resting his heavy head on his boyfriend's chest as Ian gently combed his hair. 

“I’m scared” Mickey said after about 10 minutes, his eyes wet but tears not falling anymore. He didn't think he had any left. 

“You are safe now” Ian said, holding his boyfriend a little tighter. 

Mickey didn't mean it like that. He was scared of himself, scare of how he was feeling. It had only gotten worse when he woke up this morning. When he looked in the mirror and saw the damage, felt it every second. When he thought about his father's threats, and the camp he would be going to soon enough. It was too much and he was so done and tired of dealing with it, feeling it. 

It was so hard to talk about this, he hated it, and never knew how to get the words out. But he needed to tell someone, he knew he needed to or he was going to end up dead the second he was left alone. But as he tried to push the words out they would not come. So Mickey just shut his eyes. He thought maybe he could not say them because he didn't want to, he wanted the chance, the chance to end it. But he knew that was no good either. So like the coward he felt he was he closed his eyes and tried to pretend it was okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is a game changer, so stay tuned..thanks to everyone who as been reading.


	22. Crashing Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry that these have all been so sad, like the last 4 chapters have just been all drama and sadness...and this one is just as bad...but like….After this it starts to get better. Also there is a verbal fight between Ian and Mickey, as well as vomit and blood in this chapter...I am sorry… If you do not want to read these things it is pretty much the whole chapter, so I have put in a non-graphic synopsis at the end notes. If you do skip the main contents of the chapter please read the synopsis or the rest of the story won't make sense...again sorry..will try and add some happy stuff in soon, it does get better. Thank you to everyone who has been reading, commenting and sticking along, love you all

When Mickey woke up the room was dark, the sun having set. He lifted up slightly and felt next to him, Ian was not there. He quickly started to panic, blinking in the darkness. “Ian” he said, his voice almost a whisper.

“Right here” Ian’s voice came from behind him. Mickey turned to see the dim outline of Ian sitting at the desk, a small light streaming off of what he assumed was his boyfriend's new Kindle.

Mickey let out a sigh, falling back onto the bed. Ian flicked on the lamp than, going over to sit next to Mickey on the bed.

“You hungry? I’m starving” Ian said with a small smile.

“Not really, you can go eat though” Mickey said. He knew he should not be alone. But he would be fine while Ian went to the cafe, wouldn't he be?

“You sure? I’m gonna get you somthin. When was the last time you ate?”

Mickey thought for a second. Mandy had tried to get him to eat dinner yesterday, but he just threw it back up, and this morning he did not even bother. So the last time he ate was the breakfast right before his dad had beaten him up. He frowned, Ian was right, he should eat. But he was just not hungry. “Yesterday morning” Mickey said, not looking at Ian as he knew he must be frowning.

“Gotta eat Mick, even if you don't feel like it.” Ian said. He knew better than anyone that feeling. He had gone days without barely eating. And when someone forced food down his throat he threw half of it up. But not eating was not an option. At least he had been told that by the nurses shoving the spoon in his mouth. Or his mother bringing plates of food to his room that would only sit there before being taken away. “I’m gonna go get us food, you want anything specific?”

Mickey looked up at Ian, “no, whatever is good.”

“K, will have my phone on me if you think of anything, should only be gone a little bit, cafe only opened an hour ago for dinner” Ian said, leaning down to press a light kiss to Mickey’s forehead.

As Ian went to the door the word stop kept repeating in Mickey’s head, over and over again, until the faintest sound escaped his lips.

“Yeah?” Ian said truing around.

“No, not safe” Mickey said, he knew the sentence didn't come out how he wanted, but the words were all messed up, he was all messed up.

Ian looked puzzled “what's not safe, dinner?” he let out a small laugh.

Mickey took a deep breath, closing his eyes before opening them again, saying the words in his head. “I don’t feel safe with myself” he could feel his eyes welling and his face going pale “being by myself.”

“Oh” Ian said, realization flashing across his face. “Okay. Yeah, course.”

“I’m sorry” Mickey said, wiping his eyes.

“No, it’s okay. I can ask Rick to go get us some food I’m sure he won't mind.” Ian took a seat next to Mickey on the bed.

“I don’t just mean” he took another shaking breath, silent tears rolling down his pained face. “I feel like I want to die.”

An influx of pain, worry, and horrible feelings moved through Ian. The realization that Mickey was not only talking about cutting, but that he was suicidal. Ian also knew in that moment that he could not deal with this by himself. He could not not watch Mickey for the next 72 hours at least, by himself. Sure he loved Mickey, knew what it was like to feel like this. But Mickey needed help, professional help.

“Mick” Ian said tentatively, wrapping an arm around him. He knew Mickey would freak out if he mentioned calling someone, or taking him to the hospital; but a surprise attack on his boyfriend would not be good either. “I think we need to call someone, get some help.”

“No, no” Mickey said shaking his head “you are helping.”

“I know, and i’m not gonna leave your side, I promise.”

“No! Ian, I can’t” Mickey said standing up suddenly.

“It’s gonna be okay, but you are not gonna stop feeling this way without the proper treatment, and I can’t do that, not by myself.”

“No, shut up” Mickey said, pacing back and forth in the small space.

“Please” Ian said, “I just want you to feel better, help you.”

“That's not helping me Ian!” Mickey said through sobs, anger and confusion plastered across his already busted up face. He could not understand why Ian was doing this. Those words were so hard to get out and now Ian was betraying him. His mind raced, and he suddenly turned and opened the drawer of his desk, pulling out a switchblade. The action also causing 2 of his older journals to fall to the floor.

“Mickey what the fuck?! put that down” Ian said, panic rising up in him.

“No, you can’t, I can’t” Mickey said, opening the blade and pressing it against the pale flesh of his inner arm. Not enough to cut, not yet.

“Please” Ian said, reaching out a hand “give it to me Mick, please.” Ian was feeling frantic but forced himself to try and keep a level voice. He could not believe this was happening, could not even fathom this. But it was all too real.

“I’m the worst fucking boyfriend! the worst fucking son!” Mickey yelled, the blade shaking in his hand. “You don't deserve me Ian, you are better off without me, everyone is.”

All his fuck ups in life where running through his mind, all his lies, all his denials, all his wrongs. His mind was telling him to do it, to press the blade down, swipe it upwards. Telling him it would all be over. He would not have to pretend anymore, he would not have to go to that camp, he would be nothing and that felt like the best option.

“No you are not, I love you” Ian said, more volume to his voice now.

“You don’t even know!” Mickey said an almost evil smile spreading across his lips. The urge to make Ian hate him was rising up, he knew that in the end that would be better. He no longer wanted Ian to miss him. He wanted to end his life, and not have anyone care.

“I know you better than anyone” Ian yelled again, throwing his arms up.

“No you dont, you dont know Ian, you have no idea” Mickey shouted, he turned slightly to pick up one of his old journals. Glancing down at the first few pages to make sure it had the incriminating evidence. He than threw it at Ian, it hit his stomach than fell to the floor.

Ian swallowed, confused and hurt. He leaned down and picked up the journal, standing again as he flipped to a random page.

_\---September 14th: The lights flashed on Cherry so beautifully tonight, I could picture myself dancing up close, but that would be stupid, to good to be true. He wore a light blue v-neck, the air still warm enough not to care about layers. He wore the same shirt when I saw him on the green, but it looks better now somehow. I think about him letting me wear his clothes, maybe the hoodies that would be too long for me, but fit him so perfectly.---_

_\---September 20th: He was listening to music and reading what I think is a science textbook. I wonder what music he likes, I hope it’s the same as me. I can picture us blasting it together in the car. I can’t wait to watch him dance again, it is always wonderful, I hope he shows up. I love you Cherry.---_

All the color drained from Ian’s face as he read the first 2 entries he saw. They were marked way before they had started dating, way before Ian had even noticed Mickey at parties or in the dorm. He remembered Mickey telling him about stalking his ex, thinking they were together when really they weren't, but he could never have thought Mickey could do something like that with him. It’s sickening and Ian feels like he is going to throw up, no wait, he definitely is going to throw up. He quickly turns for the trash can and heaves twice before letting it actually out. Coughing roughly as he wipes his mouth and stands up straight again.

  
This seems like a nightmare. How could Mickey do this to him? He knows he was sick, this is him being sick and not getting help. But still it is mortifying to know Mickey had been watching him like this, fantasizing about him. It felt like all his trust had been taken away.

“You see? You don't deserve me!” Mickey said, causing Ian to turn around and look at him again. Ian’s green eyes are filled with tears, and his whole body is shaking. But even then, the betrayal and sickness he feels, he does not want Mickey dead, he wants him to get help. He takes a breath, willing his voice to try and come out even.

“Put the fucking knife down Mickey.”

“The fuck is wrong with you?” Mickey shouted taking a step closer to him, “I was stalking you, for months, following you around.” All rational thoughts are gone from Mickey’s head right now, all thinking that makes sense. It’s all raw raging emotions. It's all truth.

“What you did was wrong, but I don’t want you dead” Ian said, with equal force.

“Fuck you, fuck this, you are too fucking perfect! and I am a monster, a horrible monster, who, who-” Mickey’s voice trails off as he is no longer the bystander in his dreams. He is the one ripping the women apart, pulling her limb from limb. As his sentence trails off he presses the blade to the inside of his wrist, dragging it upwards until it stops just below his elbow. A deep gash immediately appearing and dark red blood spurting upward. Ian lunges forward now as Mickey started to press the blade to other wrist, not getting a chance to move it before Ian grabs it from him, throwing it as far away as he can. He catches Mickey as he starts to fall to the floor, blood covering his hoodie and hands as he tries to press down on the gushing wound.

“Let me go, No! No! No!, please!” Mickey shouted as Ian pressed him down to keep him from struggling, Mickey is thrashing and blood is pooling all around them.

“Help! Help!” Ian shouted as loud as he can, hoping someone is in the hall or the dorm next door will hear. Ian continues to shout for help as He holds Mickey down by the shoulder with one hand and grabs the shirt Mickey had been wearing before, pressing it as hard as he can to the deep gash all the way up the dark haired boy's arm.

I knock come on the door then, and Ian quickly shouts for the person to open it. It swings open, and he looks back to see a group of about 5 or so students standing there. “Call 911!” Ian yelled, tears pooling down his blood splattered face as he frantically tried and hold Mickey down and stop the bleeding. For a second the kids in the door looked completely shocked, but then one, a guy Ian only recognized runs into the room, holding Mickey down as he directs Ian to keep pressure on the wound.

“No, let me die, fuck you, no! Please!” Mickey keeps shouting as he is now unable to thrash with the guy Ian only recognised holding him down. A voice from behind comes again.

“An ambulance is on its way.”

“No, no hospital, Ian please” Mickey said again, his voice lower now that all his energy is spent, the lightheadedness and dark spots coming into view.

“It’s gonna be okay Mick, gonna help you okay, it’s okay” Ian said, looking into Mickey’s blue eyes, tears streaming down both their faces.

“Mickey, it’s Mickey right?” The guy helping Ian said looking between the two of them, his voice surprisingly calm. Ian nods. “Stay with us Mickey, help is gonna be here soon.”

And it is, probably less than 5 minutes. But it feels like forever, and Ian can see Mickey start to fade in and out of consciousness. The EMT’s quickly move into take the guy Ian does not knows place.

“You need to move” one of the EMT’s said to Ian, tapping him lightly. Ian dose, but it all feels so fozzy and stange. They quickly get Mickey onto a stretcher and tigh off his arm. “What is his name, full name, and age?” One of the EMT’s asked, gently putting a hand on Ian’s shoulder as the other 2 EMT’s put Mickey into the flashing ambulance.

“Uh” Ian said, the flashing light so bright against the dark cold night. “Mickey Milkovich, 20.”

“Good thank you.”

“Can I go, please? I am his boyfriend.” Ian asked as the EMT starts to walk away.

“You can meet at the hospital , but can’t ride in the vehicle.” Ian nods, but he does not quite know what he is nodding at. He just watches as the snow falls and the ambulance pulls away. After a second he feels a hand on his shoulder, he turns quickly shocked out of his lost mind. Its Rick, looking just as puzzled as everyone else bundled up behind them. Apparently the incident had gotten everyone's attention in the dorm building, but most people where going back inside now.

“I can drive you to the hospital” Rick said. Ian only nods again. The cold winter air hitting his tear stained cheeks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Synopsis: Mickey is feeling suicidal, thus prompting Ian wanting to get him some help because he can’t do it alone. Mickey denies this and in a fit of emotions, pulling out a knife and threatened to slit his wrists. He also shows Ian one of his early journals exposing his stalking to hopefully make Ian not care about him. Ian is rightfully freaked out about this, but does not want Mickey dead. Anyhow, Mickey does end up cutting one of his wrist and is taken to the hospital.


	23. Hospital Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it has been a couple days. :( My mother in law is visiting and it is hard to explain gay fan fiction to an older Christian lady...

Ian was told Mickey had been stitched up and given blood, and that he was doing well but had to be sedated, and thus Ian could not see him. 

Ian protested saying even if Mickey was asleep that he wanted to be there. Both good and bad however Mickey was being placed on a 72 hour hold, and would be released after that. Either being let out, being put on a longer hold, or self admission. 

Through questions from the nurse Ian gave the best medical history for Mickey he could. Telling the doctors about Mickey's previous attempt and issues with abuse. He did not even try to hide the fact that all of Mickey's swelling and bruising was from his father. A social worker would be getting in touch with him soon enough. The nurse was unsure however that he could be charged with with child abuse as Mickey is over 18, but at least it would be aggravated assault, and they would be looking into past incidences when Mickey and his siblings were just kids. Even if Mickey hated him for telling, he knew it was best, and maybe they could have some justice. 

He was told to go home, that he could come back tomorrow when Mickey was wake. He protested at first, wanting to be there if and when he woke up. But after much debate, and his blood soaked clothes he did go back to his dorm, and would go see his boyfriend first thing in the morning. 

After Ian had cleaned off, he laid down, flipping through Mickey's journal. 

“Didn't know he was that bad” Rick commented after a little bit. 

“Yeah, didn't-” Ian took a breath “he stalked me.” 

“What?” Rick said, sitting up. 

Ian turned gesturing to the journal “it's all here, what I was wearing, what I was reading, who I left parties with.” 

“So before you started dating?” 

“Yeah, just after the beginning of the school year” Ian said, continuing to read over a page. 

“You are gonna break up with him?” Rick asked, eyebrows raised. 

Ian sighed “he is sick, did this cuz he is sick.” 

“That's not a good excuse, and it's creepy as all hell man” Rick said, eyebrows raised. 

“I love him, but yeah..” An imagine of bloody Mickey flashed through his mind, making him feel sick. “This is not easy to get over though.”

“I could not deal if a girl did that to me, fuck em.” Rick said, falling back on his bed. 

“He is just so fragile right now, he needs to get better, get on some meds” Ian said, his mind was racing but he was also exhausted. It had been a long ass night and he was so worried about Mickey. He could only hope that this was the start of Mickey's recovery. Though he was unsure how he could get past the fact that Mickey had stalked him. 

Rick shrugged. 

“I'm gonna try and get some rest” Ian sighed, closing the journal and dropping it to the floor. 

“Sounds like a good plan man, you gonna go see him tomorrow?” Rick asked. 

“Yes, the nurse said I could.” 

“Well I can drive ya if you want.” 

“Thanks” Ian said back, flipping off the light and pulling his blanket over him. 

He loved Mickey, he really did. And he wanted him to get better, but he was unsure what was going to come after this. Would Mickey be willing to get treatment? Would he be able to get over the fact that Ian knows about his stalking. Could Ian get over that himself? It was all worrisome ideas that drifted through his mind as he fell into sleep. 

*

“I'm here to see Mickey Milkovich” Ian said to the guy sitting behind reception at the hospital.

“Okay, one moment” the guy said typing away at his computer. “Looks like he has been moved to the psych floor, let me just call up to see if he can have visitors.” 

Ian nodded, nervously tapping his foot. 

*

When Mickey had been brought into the hospital he was fading in and out of consciousness, but once they got extra blood in him he started to awaken again. He was not proud of this, but he had started to struggle and thrash, not letting the doctor stitched up his arm, and pulling the tubes of blood and fluids out of his arm, making a real big mess. He just wanted them to let him go, he had been here before and failed, and now he had failed again to end his life. He didn't know what happened next, he figured they sedated him, but when he woke up he was in a different room with both his ankles and wrist buckled down to the bed, and his head dizzy. He had a large bandage on his arm, as well as his cut palm, seems as they had stitched that up that as well. It hurt, he was on pain meds, he could see the tube running into his vain, but it was mild. He was also wearing a hospital gown. 

He looked around, he was in a curtained off room, beeping machines next to him, and the curtain in front of him pulled only half closed, nurses and patients walking past. 

“Hello?” he said, trying to sit up, the the residents keeping him down. 

“Oh, you're up” a scrubs clad nurse said, parting the curtain the rest of the way and walking into the room. Mickey had no idea what time it was, but he was exhausted. 

“Can I get out of these fuckin things?” Mickey said, pulling against his wrist cuffs. 

“Will need to talk to doctor Morris, he will be wanting to do your intake anyways now that you are up, let me go see if he can come in.” The nurse looked down at a clipboard at the end of his bed, before walking to the side, and lowering her voice to a sweeter tone. “I’m Julia, your attending nurse, so if you need anything ask for me, i’m happy to help.” She gave him a soft smile before turning away, Mickey only raised his eyebrows and pressed his head into the pillow. 

He didn't understand why the nurses and doctors always acted like he had a fucking flu or something, like everything was good and happy, like he didn't just try to kill himself and was now strapped down to a fucking hospital bed. It was all so fake and depressing...or maybe that was him. 

Mickey faded in and out again as he waited, looking up at the stark white ceiling, the anesthesia still making him kinda out of it, not to mention the trauma to his body. But he was startled when he heard a man's voice right next to his head, how did he not notice him come in? He shook his head and sat up as much as he could, looking the young, and if he was not so fucked up right now would probably find handsome doctor. 

“I'm doctor Morris, nice to meet you Mickey” He pulled up a chair next to the bed, resting his clipboard in his lap. 

Mickey sighed, “can we take off the fuckin cuffs now? hard to get comfortable with em. I just wanna sleep. Okay?” 

“That depends, can I trust you when they come off? You were very agitated when you were brought in last night” Dr. Morris said, tapping his pen lightly on the clipboard. 

Mickey clenched his fists, would he try and dig out the stitches? He might, he wanted to, still...Would be try and punch a nurse or somethin? He could see himself doing that, but he was to tired right now, that would take too much energy. He could also see himself running, he hated hospitals, but yet again that required energy he didn't have. 

“Mickey?” Dr. Morris said in Mickey’s lack of response. 

“Yeah, take em off. Not gonna punch no one or somethin.” 

“You get in a lot of fights?” Dr. Morris asked, gesturing to Mickey’s busted up face. 

“Try not to” Mickey said, clenching his teeth. He wondered if they had called his father, he was over 18 so they shouldn't have, but at the same time if they had deemed him unfit to make decisions than it was a possibility. 

“I was told your father did that, is that true?” 

Mickey closed his eyes, images of the lady and monsters in his nightmares flashing on the back of his eyelids along with images of his father's bloody face, the sounds of his voice, his slurs and yells still ringing in Mickey’s ears. He opened them again, the blue turning into pools as he felt tears he could not wipe fill his eyes. He nodded.

Dr. Morris scribbled something on the clipboard, than turned his attention back to Mickey. “Is that why you tried to kill yourself?” 

Mickey blinked, he so wished he could cover his face right now, press his palms to his eyes. “I don’t have to tell you shit, I don't know you.” He turned his head and looked back up at the ceiling. 

“I’m here to help you Mickey, you are gonna be here for at least another day.” 

Mickey pulled as his wrist restraints again, “I just want these off okay? please?” They made him feel like an animal, inhuman, trapped. 

“Will you tell me more if I take them off? I don't bullshit Mickey, so you better not either.” 

Mickey might have appreciated that sentiment any other time, but right now he could care less. “Yeah, i'll fuckin tell you about my messed up childhood, my homophobic father, my fuckin life and sh-it.” He pulled at the restraints again, raising his voice slightly, but it cracked, only causing the tears and anger in his eyes to build. 

“I’m gonna trust that Mickey, but if you try something they are going back on, we just want you safe” Dr. Morris said, undoing the padded buckles. 

Mickey sat up then, adjusting the pillows and raising the electric bed, twisting his fingers together, even though it hurt his palm and now arm. “Better, thanks” he said, under his breath as he wiped the tears that had fallen on his cheeks. 

Julia came into the room tentatively than, making sure not to interrupt. Dr. Morris turned his attention to her. 

“There is a visitor here for you” she looked over at Mickey “Ian Gallagher.” 

As strange sickness filled Mickey. Why would Ian want to see him? After what he had done..god, he had done so much, too much. It was all flooding back to him now, the things he had said to Ian, his journal. Fuck Ian had seen his journal. He felt his breathing go up, his heart rate as well. He loved Ian, he did, so fucking much and he didn't want to loose him, didn't want him gone, but Ian was probably here to end things for good, or tell him he was crazy or something.

“Don’t want to see Ian? We can tell him you can't right now” Dr. Morris asked, noticing his patient's reaction to the name. 

Mickey wanted to see Ian, he did, really...but at the same time how could he, after what happened? 

No bullshit Mickey reminded himself. “I don’t know.” 

“When you came in he had come along, said he was your boyfriend” Dr. Morris commented. “Is that correct?” 

“Mhmm” Mickey said, nodding slowly. “I broke up with him through, last night.” he took a shaky breath. “At least I think I did.” 

“You don't want to be with him anymore?” 

Mickey shook his head in a violent ‘no.’ That was the last thing he wanted, but he had fucked that up, on purpose, or at least during his breakdown...he was not sure if that could be counted as purpose.

“Than why did you break up with him?” Dr. Morris asked. 

“Cuz I'm a shit boyfriend, he should be with someone better.” The idea of Ian with anyone else but him made Mickey feel sick, but it was the truth in his eyes. Ian was way too good for him, always had been since that first day he saw him months ago. He should have stuck with the unknown facade of the boy in the corner, never have dragged Ian into his shit. 

“Do you think Ian sees it that way?” 

Mickey thought for a moment, chewing at the inside of his lip and fidgeting with the scratchy bed sheets. “Says he doesn't.” 

“Well from what I heard when Ian came in with you last night he was very worried, and now just wants to see how you are doing.” The doctor paused for a second to scribble on the clipboard. “But I understand if you don't want to see anyone right now Mickey.” 

Mickey sighed, a hug from Ian would be the best fuckin thing right now, even if it meant goodbye. “He can come” Mickey said in almost a whisper. 

Dr. Morris nodded to Julia who was still standing by the curtain door, she turned to go let Ian know. 

*

Ian had been pacing back and forth waiting on the psych floor to call back, he desperately wanted to see Mickey, to hug him, kiss him, tell him he was okay even though that would be a lie. He still was unsure about how he would get over the fact that Mickey had stalked him, but he told himself he would try, if in turn Mickey tried to get better. 

When the reception guy said he could go up and gave directions Ian practically jumped, quickly rushing to the elevator. 

He was met again by a reception desk, just beyond that where doors that you had to be buzzed in and out of. A classic psychiatric hospital, it brought back memories of Ian being dragged through doors like that. It was so strange to look at them from this side, from the perspective of a visitor. 

He gave his name and soon enough a nurse who said her name was Julia addressed him and lead him through the buzzing doors and to a room with curtained off spaces all around the edges. A large best space with multiple computers, medical machines and nurses in the middle. 

“Right this way” she said, going over to one the curtain rooms. 

Mickey was sitting in a hospital bed, his face just as bruised as before, but somewhat less swollen now. A large bandage adorned his arm. The sight brought tears to Ian’s eyes even though he told himself he would not cry. He needed to be strong for Mick. 

“I’m Dr. Morris” a man said standing up to shake Ian’s hand. 

Ian nodded, his eyes returning to Mickey who was not looking at him. 

“Mickey” Dr. Morris said turning to look at the dark haired boy again. “Would you like me or Julia to stay here while Ian is here, or would you prefer to be alone with him? The curtain will need to stay open if we are not here however.” 

Mickey swallowed, looking back at Ian. He had bags under his beautiful green eyes, and his hair was a mess, a gorgeous mess. “Just Ian” he managed. 

Dr. Morris nodded and him and Julia headed out, leaving the curtain open a little less than half way. 

“Hey” Ian said, going over to the side of the bed. “Can I hug you?” 

Mickey nodded, he needed it. He needed Ian.


	24. Hospital Part 2

Mickey held onto Ian with what strength he could, tears soaking into the collar of the red haired boys flannel. He was unsure of how long they stayed like that, arms wrapped around each other and silent forgiving tears running down Mickey’s pale cheeks, but after some time Julia came back into the room, a tray of food in hand. 

The boys broke apart, Mickey wiping his eyes as Ian sat back in the chair that Dr. Morris had pulled over. 

“I have some food for you Mickey, it would be great if you can eat some of it” Julia said, rolling the tray in front of Mickey. “And Ian, there is a cafe downstairs if you would like to get something.” 

“I'm good” Ian said, looking down at the hospital food that had been placed in front of his boyfriend. He remembered the stuff, especially the plastic spoon...it was some scrambled eggs and toast, a little packet of jelly on the side. A meal that would normally be eaten with a fork, and would also require a knife, but on the psych floor even plastic forks and knives where a no-no.

Mickey sighed, and took a sip at the water next to the food. It had been days at this point since he had eaten, but the meds made him nauseous even though he should be hungry. 

“Eat some for me” Ian said, a soft expression adorning his freckled face. 

Mickey fiddled with the spoon in his uninjured hand, luckily it was his left, poking it at the eggs. He bit at the inside of his lip reluctantly before scooping up a small amount and spooning it into his mouth. It was bland and made him want to gag, but he knew he needed to eat, and if it made Ian happy than he would do it. He took another bite before dropping the spoon and drinking more of the water. 

“Don't think they know what fuckin salt is” Mickey said, a small smile spreading on his lips as he ripped open the jelly, looking down at the tray for a knife to spread it. 

Ian let out a small chuckle “or silverware.”

Mickey nodded, using the back of the soon to spread the thick grape jelly onto the toast. It was far better than the overcooked bland eggs, and Mickey was surprised how hungry he actually felt after scarfing it all down.

“Want me to get you some more?” Ian asked, noticing how fast Mickey ate the toast portion of his breakfast. 

“I’m okay, thanks” Mickey paused, finishing off his paper cup of water. “Didn't think I was hungry, meds make me feel queasy. Don’t even fuckin know what they gave me.” 

“Probably started you on antidepressants, and some form of sedative, not to add antibiotics so you don't get an infection” Ian said, his nurse major actually coming in handy even though this was only his first year.

In addition that seemed to be a cue because Julia came back with a small paper cup featuring pills. 

“What the fuck are these?” Mickey said, looking at the small green, orange and white pills in the cup. 

“Antibiotic for you wound, as well as trazodone and fluoxetine.” Julia said, re-filling Mickey’s water glass. “We ask that you please take them.”

Mickey looked over at Ian, he knew Ian took a plethora of meds morning and evening, as well as an additional one if he was feeling more off than normal. But all the times Mickey had been fed pills it always felt wrong, misused. He knew deep down he needed them, but he was still feeling hopeless, how could a small thing like these make him better? it seemed impossible. 

“The second two are for depression and anxiety. Fluoxetine won't start working for a week or so though, and you have to take it consistently. You might feel a difference with the trazodone right away, but still also good to take it consistently” Ian said, reaching out to take Mickey’s hand gently. He could tell the whole concept of taking medications was hard for his boyfriend. 

When Ian first started on all that junk the complicated names scared him, they didn't actually tell him what it was going to do, yet he was swallowing it. He hoped even some small knowledge could help ease Mickey into it, like he wished someone had done for him. 

“Know your stuff” Julia said with a smile. 

“Nursing major, plus I have take them.” The fluoxetine never helped him and he had to switch to something different, but there was no reason at this point to think it would not work for Mick, so Ian did not want to say anything that could be discouraging. 

Julia nodded. “Need to see you take them Mickey, sorry.” 

Mickey picked up the small cup and rolled the pills around, he needed the reassurance even though it was so hard to say, so with reluctance he turned to Ian. “Should I take em?” 

Ian nodded quickly, “yes, I want you to.” 

And with that Mickey popped them into his mouth and took a gulp of water to swallow them down. It still felt wrong somehow, but he knew he needed to, if not for himself, he owed it to the perfect boy next to him. 

“Very good Mickey” Julia said. “I’ll let you guys visit for a little longer, than Dr. Morris has some things to discuss with you.” 

 

“Thank you” Ian said after she left.

Mickey scoffed. “Fuck, I should be on my knees begging for your forgiveness, don’t thank me.” 

Ian leaned over than, placing a gentle hand on Mickey’s cheek. “Its hard, really fuckin hard, and I cant just pretend you didn't do all that, but-” Ian took a breath, he loved Mickey so much, but damn was this all still a punch. “I wanna keep being with you, because I love you.” 

Mickey leaned forward quickly, pressing his lips to Cherry’s. His were dry, but he didn't care, he need to feel Ian against him right now. That as the best thing he could have ever heard, and wanted. 

Ian kissed back lightly before pulling away. “But you gotta try Mick, I mean really try. Take your meds, see the doctors, all that.” 

Mickey nodded, it would be hard, so hard, everything in him was telling him no, not to do that...but if it meant keeping Ian he would do anything. “I will, I promise.” 

“Good” Ian said, wiping a stray tear from Mickey’s cheek “i’m gonna be there, help.” 

“Thank you. I love you so much Ian, so much, i’m so sorry” Mickey said, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend once again, their cheeks pressed together. 

“I know you are.” Ian ran a hand through Mickey’s matted dark hair, kissing him once again, before pulling back as doctor Morris entered the room, closing the curtain all the way. 

“Have we made up?” Dr. Morris asked, happy to see the boys being affectionate with each other. 

“You gonna help me right?” Mickey said, looking at the handsome doctor. He felt more determined now, after this. 

“I will do all I can.” Dr. Morris said, pulling over another chair. “I would like to go over some options with you Mickey, as well as talk some more about your history.” He looked over at Ian, “this is normally done without others around, but Ian you can stay if both of you are okay with that.” 

“I want you to, you know, stay.” Mickey said, reaching for his boyfriends hand again. Ian nodded his approval. 

“So Mickey” Dr. Morris started off. “How are you feeling now compared to when you were brought in last night?” he looked down at his watch. “It’s been a little over 15 hours.” 

Mickey chewed at his lip, looking down at his hand entangled with Ian’s. “Better some, don't feel-” he took a breath, why the fuck was it so hard for him to get the words out. 

“Take your time” Ian said softly, giving Mickey a small smile. 

“Less frantic, not panicked anymore” Mickey continued, he was not even sure if that was quite right or what he was supposed to say, but it was the closest he could get. 

“That's good. Do you still feel like you want to harm yourself?” Dr. Morris asked. 

No, Mickey thought. But at the same time he still was not right. He felt unsure if he stepped out of the vicinity of nurses, of Ian, or anyone what he might do. He was just still so tired, so done with dealing with his past, his father. “No” Mickey said, chancing a small glance at Ian. He was sporting a fairly neutral, but obviously concerned face. His green eyes looked exhausted but just as green as the mountains that surrounded their school in the summer time. “But also don't feel like I should be alone,” he added, knowing it was the truth, and for the better. 

“Thank you for being honest Mickey, that's that very helpful to your treatment” Dr. Morris said. Ian also squeezed his hand softly to show his approval. 

They continued to talk about what the next day and a half would look like for Mickey, not only his physical recovery but they crisis mental health services he would be receiving while he was still mandated to stay at the hospital. Mickey also shared little bits of what brought him to the conclusion of slitting his wrist. He told the tale of how his father broke the beer bottle and beat him up. Dr. Morris asked at that point if Mickey would like to speak to a police officer about pressing charges, after some back and forth and pleading from his boyfriend Mickey agreed to at least talk to the cop who would be coming by tomorrow, as Mickey had already had a long enough day. And thus after a long time of answering questions, telling abusive tales, and tears from both him and Ian, Mickey was exhausted and could barely keep his eyes open. 

“Get some sleep” Ian said to his boyfriend after Dr. Morris had left, running a hand through his raven hair. 

Mickey nodded, lowering the hospital bed and setting his head down. 

Ian leaned forward and kissed him lightly on the lips before standing up to leave. 

“Hey” Mickey said, reaching out slightly. 

“Yeah?” Ian said quickly, turning back to Mickey. 

“Just, thank you. I love you.” Mickey said, forcing a small smile. 

“I love you too” Ian said, going back over to the bed to give Mick one last hug. 

“Will you tell Claire for me?” Mickey asked “Maybe she can come visit tomorrow or somethin.”

“Yeah, course” Ian said, kissing him again. “Get some rest, will see you tomorrow.” 

And with that Ian left and Mickey fell quickly into sleep.


	25. Not Your Fault

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am alive! Sorry it has been a hot minuet. It was my birthday, and my mother in law is still visiting. Thank you to everyone who is sticking around! Also I edited and finished this chapter half asleep but I wanted to get something out to ya, so sorry for any oopsies. <3

Ian knew he should call his mom, or therapist. This whole thing with Mickey was too much for him, but at the same time he felt like he was dealing with it pretty well. Currently he was sitting in the cafe he would often study in or meet Mickey for lunch. He scrolled up and down in his contacts deciding who to call first. His mom would want him to call his therapist so he decided to do that first. He sees her every 3 weeks, but it’s good to update when something big happens, so if he needs extra support she is aware. He makes an appointment for tomorrow afternoon before calling his mother, something he knows will be a longer conversation but will hopefully bring down his stress and worry about Mickey somewhat. 

“Hey Ian, how was the flight home?” She starts off with. 

“Good, easy as always” he replied, fiddling with the plastic lid of his hot chocolate. “Gotta tell ya something that happened, i’m okay, but.” He takes a breath. “It was really scary.” He can feel his throat get tight and his eyes swell somewhat thinking about it, about that knife in Mickey’s hand, all the blood. 

“Oh” she says, “I’m listening sweetie.” 

“Mick is in the hospital” he starts. “He uhh-” Ian does not know why it is so hard to say, but it is. It hurts to think about Mickey feeling that way, doing that to himself. “He cut himself” Ian saId, his eyelids feeling heavy as tears start to fill them. He put a hand over his face. 

“Oh no, is he okay? How?” Ian's mom asked. 

“Yeah, they stitched him up, gonna be okay.” Ian is unsure how mentally Mickey is going to be though. He seems to be willing to do all the treatments, but this is only the beginning. 

“Did he slip or something?” She said. 

Ian scoffs silently, boy did he wish that was the case. 

“No ma” Ian said. “He wanted to kill himself, cut his wrist open.” It almost seems unreal saying it out loud. 

He hears a small gasp on the other end. “I'm so sorry sweet pea.” 

“Me too, it was really scary mom, he was yelling, and, and” Ian tried to hold in the way his voice cracked but failed “there was so much blood.” 

He feels the wetness on his cheeks and hand as a couple tears fall. He thinks of the Mickey he loves. The dark haired boy smiling up at him, dancing to pop songs and giving him sweet kisses. But than the imagines of bloody yelling Mickey populate the back of his wet eyelids. Mickey following him around, taking notes about him, fantasizing about him. Mickey strapped down to a hospital bed covered in bruises and bandages. He just wants the happy memories to stick, but the bad ones seem to overflow, the exhaustion hitting him hard as he actually talks about it. 

“And his face is all fucked up” Ian said, picturing the welts and scrapes. “It just hurts so bad Ma, to see him like that.” Ian admitted. 

“I know honey, I'm so sorry” she said. 

“I think this is gonna make him better” Ian said, thinking out loud. “I mean he seems receptive, but like” Ian takes a breath, wiping his eyes. “Why did it have to go so far? I was there, he could have-” Ian trails off as one of his classmates that he sometimes hangs out with approaches the table. 

“It's not your fault Ian, it's not Mickey’s either. All that matters now is that he is gonna get better, just like you got better.” Ian’s mom said on the other end. 

“Thanks” he said, looking up at the guy who is loitering on the other side of the table. “I should go, been a long day already.” 

“Okay sweetie, just call if you need anything, I'm here.” She said. 

“I will, love you.” 

“Love you too.” 

And with that Ian ends the call, wiping his face one more time before looking over at Ben. 

“Heard what happened man.” Ben starts, sitting down. “Mick okay?” 

“Yeah, kinda.” Ian said, taking a sip of his drink. He and Mickey sometimes hung out with Ben and his friends or various boyfriends or girlfriends. 

“Really sucks, you doin alright?” Ben asked. 

Ian knows his friend is just being kind, but he has done so much fucking talking today already and he is ready to have some quiet time to himself. He wants to be alone, maybe get out of his head. 

“M’k” Ian said, finishing off his drink and standing up. 

“You goin?” Ben said, standing up to. The boys both walked outside, the cold winter hair hitting their pale faces. 

When Ian had first met Ben, when he attended a very gay party they had danced and made out. Ben was cute. He was skinny as a stick and had blond hair that reached his shoulders, but when Ian found out he was bi, he was not really into him anymore. It was not that he cared people liked both genders, it was more he wanted nothing to do with someone who had been in a vagina. So they decided to stick to friends. 

“Yeah, gonna go read or somethin” Ian said, unsure what he would do in his dorm, but he knew he wanted it to be quite and by himself. 

“Alright man” Ben said, patting his shoulder before moving closer to Ian and whispering in his ear. “Want some weed? It's on the house, I'm sure you need it.” Ian turns, his green eyes finding his friends. Ben was one to sell now and then, but the redhead was not expecting that. “Uhh” he starts but Ben is shoving a small metal tube into Ian's palm with a wink. “It's good shit, I promise” Ben stated before giving him a wave and walking away. 

Ian fist the tube into his coat pocket and makes his way back to his dorm room. 

*

“Hey” Mickey said as Claire opens his curtain only to wrap her arms around him in a tight hug. 

“I was so worried when Ian told me, oh Mick.” She said, taking her bottom lip by her teeth and sitting down on the end of his hospital bed cross legged. Her dark curls bouncing all around her face as he situates herself like she is at home. 

“I'm sorry” Mickey said, ducking his head. After Ian had left Mickey took a long needed nap, ate lunch, talked to Dr. Morris some more than was left to watch shitty cable tv, not paying attention to the flashing colors on the screen, more getting lost in his own head, so he was happy to see Claire. 

“It's okay” she said, patting his foot under the blanket. “Should have called me or somethin, always happy to hang out with your fine pale ass.” 

Normally Mickey would make some remark about his ass being gay and belonging to Ian, but even though he is feeling better he is not that better, so he just gives her a small smile. “Could not have done anything, my mind was kinda set, even though it was stupid.”

She frowned at him “well when you get outa here we are gonna have a bombing time, back to school party or some shit.” 

Mickey smiled softly. “Deal” he said. 

 

After a long conversation with Julia she let him and Claire take a walk around the hospital floor. Mickey had been sitting all day long and his legs needed to be stretched. At first it was surprisingly hard to get up. He felt week and drained, but after a couple slow steps his limbs warmed up to it and it felt nice to move around. 

“So I have a proposal” Mickey finally gets out as they round another hospital corner. 

“Oh yeah?” Claire said, swinging her arms. 

“Only if you wanna, but like” Mickey thinks of the right words. He knows it is an outlandish thing to ask, but Claire is the only girl Mickey actually knows well enough and trusts around here.

“Spit it out” she said. 

“Will you like, pretend to be my girlfriend?” The words come out kind of awkwardly, this was a stupid idea. 

Claire laughs, a real but girly bubbly laugh. The kind she is famous for. She stops in her tracks her boots clacking to a halt as she giggles and smiles at him. 

“I got a better package than the redhead, huh?” She said, making a mock gesture to grasp her crotch. 

“Don't do that” he said quickly, grabbing her hand “forget I said anything.” 

“No, course I will Mick.” She leans over and wraps him in a hug, “anything you need.” 

Mickey is happy and relieved. Hopefully they can be convincing enough on Facebook and such that his father will by it. He can only hope at least.

They talk over more details as they make their way back to Mickey's room. Claire laughing but loving the theatrics of it all. 

As the night winds down Mickey is already feeling better. Maybe it's the drugs, maybe it's realizing that people on his life do actually care. But he is. 

At the same time Ian is high, on the weed that is in fact very good shit after all. He had been smoking the joint alone until Rick had come back and said Ian needed to share, so he did. His mind was foggy from the long day and all the emotions, not to mention the drugs, but it lolled him to sleep pretty easily and he was grateful for that.


	26. Hospital Part 3 (because I didn't know what to call this chapter)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been all fucked up about tenses, so sorry...like, why is my writing shitty?

“Officer Pillar, you can call me Ellis” the officer said, sticking his hand out for Mickey to shake, he does. The officer is typical looking to Mickey, white, middle aged, but he has a nice smile. 

“You comfortable talkin here?” the officer offers, tapping his pen on a notepad. 

Mickeys eyes wandered to the pack of smokes in the officer's breast pocket, and man does that sound good. It had been days. “Would love a smoke” Mickey said, gesturing to the cigarettes. 

“I guess I can spare one” Ellis said, patting the pack, “you got a coat? It’s cold out there.” 

“Uhh” Mickey said, he did not have a coat, it was left back at his dorm. 

“I can get you one” Julia offered, she had just been quietly standing by the door. Mickey gives her a small smile as she goes to fetch it. 

 

“Cold air is not bad” Mickey said as he tapped some snow with his shoe, the officer fishing in his pocket for a lighter. 

He finally finds it and hands it to Mickey. The dark haired boy places the cigarette between his lips and brings the lighter up to it. It’s harder to light then it should be, and he keeps almost dropping it. But at the same time he does have a thick bandage on his left hand. 

“Let me” Ellis said after he noted Mickey’s rising frustration. Mickey lets him, inhaling the smoke. It makes him feel stupid and useless that he can’t even light his cigarette, but he tries to shake it off, taking another puff and looking at the snowy trees that speckle the hospital courtyard. 

“So, we should get to this Mickey. I know it’s hard to talk about-” Mickey cuts him off. “Just spit out the damn questions.” He didn't want to do this. Ratting had been ingrained in him as bad, as well as anything having to do with letting out emotions and details of his home life. But it seemed like the last few days had only been that. It was getting easier, this would be the 2nd time he told the story, and he hoped he would cry less than before. 

“So, I can see you have visible busing on your face, your father did that? correct?” 

Mickey nods, it was fading but still apparent. 

“And your arm was cut up when he hit you?”

Mickey takes a breath, closing his eyes the image of his father right up in his face popping into view. “I fell because he punched me and cut my palm on a beer bottle he broke” Mickey said, waving the cut hand in the air. “The arm is another thing, that's why i’m at the hospital.” 

Ellis nodded, jotting this down. “Would you say your suicide attempt was induced by your father's violence?” 

Mickey scoffs but starts tapping his foot nervously. He hates this, these questions, the images they bring, the feelings they wash in him. It’s not like the images and feelings ever go away, but talking about that makes it more real. “Yeah” Mickey said, his boot rhythmically tap, tap, tapping. “I mean how can you not feel like shit after your dad beats ya and calls you a fag.” Mickey says it almost sarcastically, but it is all too real. He can feel a tightening in his throat, but wills himself to try and stay calm. He takes a last puff from the cigarette and drops it into the snow. 

“So he was also verbally abusive?” the officer asked, looking over to Mickey. 

Mickey nods again. 

 

“And growing up, how often would you say he was physically and verbally abusive?” Ellis asked after Mickey tells him the full story of how he got the busted up face he currently adorns. He had to take a break halfway through, Julia handing him tissues, but he was more calm now, now that the story was over. 

“Oh god” Mickey said, biting his lip. “Like a week? a day?” He really has no idea, he is sure he blocked a lot of it out, he had to so he could survive. 

“Either, the more details the better however.” 

Mickey pinched the bridge of his nose looking down at the table he was sitting at in the small medical room. He could feel his head going foggy trying to get a number, to get something out of his mouth. It was often, that's all he knows. The bigger events do stick out, but the small things, the slaps, the words, there was too many, it was always. 

“Didn't get this bad” Mickey touches his bruised eye “too often, though it was worse when he found out I was gay.” 

“And how long ago was that?” 

Mickey clicks his tongue, was it really 3 years now? It seemed like so far away and so close at the same time. His breakup with James had prompted it all, it had started everything, including his outing. “3 years ago.” 

Ellis writes that down before repeating his question about how often. 

“Fuck, its hard to say really.” Mickey looks over to Julia who is patiently waiting for Mickey to break down...again. 

“Just do your best” she offers as they make brief eye contact. 

“At least once a day, if you are counting degrading language.” Mickey feels tears fill his tired eyes again. Fuck, why does he have to talk about this? think about it? He takes a sip of his water and picks at his nail for a moment collecting himself so he won't start to cry again. After he feels like he can get the words out he adds, “physical stuff maybe 5 times a week, at least a backhand or somethin.” 

Officer Ellis gives him an understanding and sad nod, writing it down. After talking a bit more, getting all of Terry's personal information like birthday, know phone numbers and addresses, as well as Mandy’s contacts Mickey is faced with the officer taking pictures of his injured body. For “evidence” he said. 

It’s award, especially when he has to lift up his shirt to show the boot marks that are now a faded purple. But he gets through it with a stern face before crawling back into his hospital bed, exhausted. 

“You did really well” Julia said changing the bandage on Mickey’s arm before he takes a nap. He hopes when he wakes up Ian is here, he said yesterday he would come visit in the late afternoon. 

*

Ian gets his boyfriend some stuff from his dorm, seeing as he will be coming back home tomorrow and needs clean clothes. There is a big red stain on the laminate floor as Ale lets him in. There had been a small carpet that captured a majority of the mess, but the floor would be permanently stained until the summer when they would probably replaced it. A blood stained floor was not a good look. 

Ian rummaged through Mickey’s dresser finding spare clothes as well as his phone and wallet that had been left behind days before. He shoves it all into his backpack. 

“How’s he doin?” Ale asked as Ian finally found a pair of socks. 

“Alright as you can be” Ian responded, zipping up his bag. 

Ale only nods and Ian leaves the dorm to head to the hospital. 

*

“Hey” Ian says dropping the backpack on the floor and wrapping Mickey in a hug. Mickey holds onto Ian, his day had been long, the retelling of his abuse was not easy. 

“Hey” Ian says more softly this time, running a hand through Mickey’s hair. Mickey thinks he would start crying if he had not already cried so much today. 

“Bad day?” Ian says softly again, brushing a hand over Mickey's cheek. The dark haired boy's eyes are bloodshot and his face is pale. 

“Talked to a cop for a long time” Mickey says breathing in Ian’s scent, it warms him and makes him feel less, less...like nothing. “Had to talk about everything.” 

Ian nods his understanding continuing to hold Mickey until he decided to move. It takes another minute or two but then his boyfriend leans back, blue eyes meeting green. 

“Love you” Mickey says in almost a whisper. Ian smiles before saying it back. 

They talk more mindlessly about classes starting tomorrow. Mickey will be missing the first day, but thankfully Dr. Morris had given him an excused absence. They eventually make their way to the cafeteria for dinner, it’s okay, all you can expect from a hospital. 

Ian kisses him goodbye as Julia says it’s time for bed. In that moment however Mickey really misses the stretch where he would sleep next to Ian almost every night. Not to add it had been about 4 weeks since they had sex. He had not thought about that physical need in the past few days, it was almost the last thing he wanted, but know knowing he was probably going back to school and his dorm tomorrow, and that he was feeling like this was a start of a better him, a healthier him, one that was more honest with Ian, made him want him, in every way. So right before Ian walks away Mickey wraps his arms around him one more time, whispering into his ear. 

“Can’t wait to get at you tomorrow, need to make up for lost time.” When he pulls back Ian’s eyes are wide and there is a smirk on his lips. 

“If you think you are up for it” Ian says, he knows that meds can be a big damper on labedo. When he first started his he could not get it up regularly for what seemed like way too long. 

“Wanna give it a try” Mickey says leaning close again so no one else hears. “Need to feel you.” 

Ian licks his lips, he had been jerking off, but damn did he miss touching and being with Mickey like that. “Sounds good” he says with a smile before kissing Mickey one more and exiting. 

Mickey fell back into bed, looking forward to being out of the hospital even though he knew, in the end, it was for the better. This seemed like the start of a better him, a better him with Cherry.


End file.
